Summary

Body language is a form of nonverbal communication that includes physical gestures, movements, and expressions. It can convey a wide range of emotions and intentions, and it can be used in combination with verbal communication to reinforce or contradict the words being spoken. Some common types of body language include eye contact, posture, facial expressions, gestures, proximity, touch, movement, and voice. It is important to be aware of cultural differences when interpreting body language, and to consider the context and multiple cues when making assessments. Building rapport through mirroring, or copying or imitating another person's body language, gestures, or tone of voice, can help to establish a connection and improve communication. It is also important to be aware of and control your own body language in order to communicate effectively and confidently.

1. Body language - general info

Body language refers to nonverbal communication through physical gestures, movements, and expressions. It includes things like facial expressions, eye contact, posture, and gestures.

Body language can convey a wide range of emotions and intentions, and it can play a significant role in communication. It is often used in combination with verbal communication, and it can either reinforce or contradict the words being spoken.

Some common types of body language include:

• Breathing is the most powerful techniques. If you breath in the exact same pace as another person, you will feel what they are feeling (same tempo, same location like belly, chest, throat). Note: very powerful while making love (breath in unison the entire time).

• Eye contact: sustained eye contact can indicate interest, while avoiding eye contact can indicate discomfort or dishonesty.

• Posture: posture can convey confidence, openness, or aggression. For example, standing tall with shoulders back can indicate confidence, while crossing arms over the chest can indicate defensiveness.

• Facial expressions: facial expressions can convey a wide range of emotions, such as happiness, sadness, anger, or fear.

• Gestures: gestures can include hand and arm movements, as well as facial expressions. For example, a wave can indicate greeting, while a fist pump can indicate excitement.

• Proximity: Standing close to someone can indicate intimacy or aggression. Standing farther away can indicate discomfort or a desire for distance.

• Touch: A pat on the back can indicate congratulations or support. A hug can indicate affection or comfort. A handshake can indicate greeting or agreement.

• Movement: Fidgeting or shifting weight can indicate discomfort or nervousness. Leaning in can indicate interest or attentiveness. Pacing can indicate impatience or anxiousness.

• Voice: Speaking in a low or hushed tone can indicate secrecy or intimacy. Speaking in a loud or raised voice can indicate anger or aggression. Pausing before speaking can indicate hesitation or uncertainty.

Good examples of building rapport via mirroring:

It's important to note that body language can vary widely across cultures, and it can be influenced by a variety of factors, including social context and individual personality. Therefore, it's important to be aware of and consider cultural differences when interpreting body language.

2. Read the room: building rapport & mirror people

Mirroring, also known as mimicry or matching, is the act of copying or imitating another person's body language, gestures, or tone of voice. It is often used as a way to build rapport and establish a connection with someone. Rapport is a relationship of mutual trust and understanding between two or more people. It is an essential element in building effective communication, as it allows people to connect with each other on a deeper level and establish a sense of trust and understanding. Rapport is created by a feeling of commonality (the ‘spark’ / feeling ‘real’ / become like the people you are communicating with). Matching and mirroring is the way to get it (dr. Milton Erickson).

Here are some tips for mirroring people:

1. Pay attention to the person's body language and vocal cues: Look for patterns in the person's body language, such as their posture, facial expressions, and gestures. Pay attention to their tone of voice, including the pace and volume of their speech (speed, volume ,type of words).

2. Gradually match their body language and vocal cues: Start by subtly matching the person's body language and vocal cues. For example, if they are leaning forward and speaking in a low, soft tone, you might also lean forward slightly and lower your voice slightly.

3. Be subtle and natural: It's important to be subtle and natural when mirroring someone, as overt mimicry can be perceived as manipulative or insincere.

4. Use mirroring to build rapport: Mirroring can help to build rapport and establish a sense of connection with someone. However, it's important to be genuine and authentic in your interactions and to not rely solely on mirroring as a means of building rapport.

5. Be aware of cultural differences: Mirroring can vary widely across cultures, and it's important to be aware of and consider cultural differences when mirroring someone.

Entrainment: build rapport for 5-10 minutes and then the other party starts unconsciously mirroring you (grab for their glass when you do). Entrainment refers to the process of aligning or synchronizing the rhythms or patterns of two or more individuals or systems. In the context of rapport, entrainment can refer to the process of aligning or synchronizing your own behaviors and communication patterns with those of the person you are communicating with in order to build a sense of connection and understanding.

Strategies that you can use to build rapport:

1. Use nonverbal communication: Pay attention to your body language and try to match the posture, facial expressions, and gestures of the person you are communicating with. This can help create a sense of connection and make the other person feel more comfortable. Use positive body language: Smiling, maintaining eye contact, and using open and relaxed body language can help create a positive and welcoming atmosphere, which can facilitate the development of rapport.

2. Use vocal tonality: Pay attention to the tone of your voice and try to match the rhythm and pitch of the person you are speaking with. This can help create a sense of connection and make the other person feel more comfortable.

3. Find common ground: Look for shared interests and values to create a sense of connection with the other person.

4. Use empathy: Try to understand the perspective of the other person and show that you care about their feelings and needs. This can help create a sense of trust and understanding.

5. Use active listening: Pay attention to what the other person is saying and show that you are listening by nodding, making eye contact, and asking questions. This can help create a sense of connection and understanding. Being a good listener is an essential part of building rapport. Pay attention to what the other person is saying, and show that you are listening by nodding, making eye contact, and asking questions.

6. Use open-ended questions: Ask questions that require more than a simple yes or no answer to encourage the other person to open up and share more about themselves. This can help create a sense of connection and understanding.

7. Be authentic: Be genuine and authentic in your interactions with others. This can help build trust and establish a deeper level of rapport.

8. Use humor: Humor can be a great way to build rapport and create a sense of connection with others. However, be mindful of the other person's sense of humor and try not to offend them.

9. Show genuine interest: Showing a genuine interest in the other person can go a long way in building rapport. Ask questions about their interests, hobbies, and goals, and listen actively to their responses.

Remember, building rapport takes time and requires effort. It's important to be patient and consistent in your efforts to establish trust and understanding with others.

1. How to build rapport by Tony Robbins (2 min video)

It's worth noting that mirroring can be a useful tool for building rapport and establishing a connection with someone, but it should be used appropriately and with consideration for the context and the person's feelings and preferences.

People like people who are like themselves or who are like how they would like to be. People don’t like people who are not like themselves. Not only put the words (7%) in common but also the voice (38%) and the body (55%).

Rapport is power. But be authentic and don’t rapport on everything.

Here are five ways you can form an instant connection with anyone and build a foundation for a deeper relationship.

1. Use mirroring when connecting with others: Match and mirror the energy, methods of touch, and body language of the person you're interacting with to foster a sense of familiarity and connection. Initiate the process yourself to leave a lasting, positive impression on the other person.

2. Take a genuine interest in those you meet: Show that you care about the other person by asking thoughtful and insightful questions and showing empathy. A connection will form naturally when you show genuine interest in the other person's life.

3. Make others feel good: Shine the spotlight on the other person and make them feel important and valued through compliments, kind words and thoughtful gifts. This lays the foundation for a solid connection.

4. Look for common ground: Look for areas of common ground when communicating to foster meaningful conversation. Be respectful and discreetly move on to another topic if there is potential for conflict.

5. Watch your body language: Be aware of your nonverbal cues and make sure they indicate interest and engagement. Hold eye contact, apologize and explain if you have to shift your focus, and re-establish your focus to make a good impression.

3. Fake it till you become it

1. Our bodies change our mind Our mind changes our behavior And our behavior changes the outcome

2. Fake it till you make it Vs. I don’t want to feel like an imposter?Shift your paradigm: fake it, till you become it.

3. Tiny tweaks can lead to big chances.

4. Two minutes, seriously take two minutes, before some stressful situation (talk, speech, etc.) = configure your brain to cope the best with the situation (raise your testosterone and cortisol down), do:

   1. Do the power pose (open, confident)

   2. Share the science with others (talk about, teach others)

4. General Tips to improve your body language

• 55% of communication is done with your body, 38% is the tone of voice and pacing of language, 7% is words. Your communication is based on feelings. Incongruence when there is a mismatch, it feels off. We are continually talking with our bodies.

• How you see yourself really reflects body behavior

• Get a pull-up bar and hang it, 99% of your back problems will disappear. 90 (of langer!) seconds hanging, opening up ribs, more breath. Gets you out of the mold from the bent-over position. Increase testosterone, decrease stress.

• Watch your breath, you feel how you like a breath! Continuously check your breath.

• The root of the word “Weird” origins from “control your life”. People who were weird controlled their own life.

• Spend 30 minutes on the ground. More rooted this way. When play kids, touch the earth. Or when mailing and other no-brain activities.

• Your body is a solar panel, take off clothes outside.

5. Language and your body

How often do you use the words 'me', 'my', and 'I'? Excessive use is not without danger. Research at the University of California found that people who talk a lot about themselves are more likely to have a fatal heart attack. Frequent 'I's' turned out to be a stronger predictor of heart failure than smoking or high blood pressure. The follow-up study showed that people who talk more often in the I-form are more likely to become depressed than people who talk about 'us' and 'we'.

Here are some examples of how language and body language can influence each other in negative and positive ways:

Negative:

• Using harsh or confrontational language can make your body language more tense or aggressive, which can create a sense of tension or conflict.

• Avoiding eye contact or crossing your arms while listening to someone speak can make them feel less comfortable and inhibit their ability to communicate effectively.

• Using a monotone or disinterested tone of voice can make your body language appear disinterested or disengaged, which can make it difficult to build rapport or connection with others.

• Using language that is overly critical or judgmental can make your body language appear hostile or confrontational, which can create tension or conflict.

• Using a loud or aggressive tone of voice can make your body language appear confrontational or threatening, which can create tension or conflict.

• Using language that is sarcastic or condescending can make your body language appear dismissive or uninvolved, which can make it difficult to build rapport or connection with others.

Positive:

• Using positive and supportive language can make your body language more open and welcoming, which can create a sense of trust and understanding.

• Leaning forward and maintaining eye contact while listening to someone speak can make them feel more comfortable and encourage them to speak more openly and honestly.

• Using a friendly and positive tone of voice can make your body language more open and welcoming, which can help build rapport and connection with others.

• Using language that is supportive and understanding can make your body language more empathetic and caring, which can help create a sense of trust and understanding.

• Using a calm and reassuring tone of voice can make your body language more calming and reassuring, which can help to build trust and understanding.

• Using language that is sincere and genuine can make your body language more authentic and genuine, which can help to build rapport and connection with others.

It's important to be aware of the way that language and body language can influence each other, as it can help you communicate more effectively and build stronger relationships. By using positive language and body language, you can create a sense of trust and understanding, while avoiding negative language and body language can help avoid creating tension or conflict.

Transform your words in 4 steps

“A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress. If we do not continually exercise the brain’s language centers, we cripple our neurological ability to deal with the problems we encounter with each other.” — Dr. Andrew Newberg, Words Can Change Your Brain”

Change your words, change your life.

“The words you attach to your experience become your experience. Language is one of the keys to shifting your mind, shifting your body and shifting your results.” If your internal self-talk is negative, chances are that your external experiences will be negative as well. Make your internal vocabulary more positive, and you’ll soon find out. The positive external experiences you’ll discover will amaze you. This is the power of transformational vocabulary – consciously using your words to improve and change your life.

Why is it difficult to change your words and change your mindset?

According to Compton’s Encyclopedia, the English language contains some 500,000 words. Yet, the average person’s working vocabulary consists of only 2,000 – 0.5% of the entire language. So how many words make up our habitual vocabulary? For most people, it averages around 200–300 words. (By contrast, John Milton’s writings used about 17,000 words and William Shakespeare used 24,000 words, 5,000 of which he only used one time.)

Why are we comfortable with such an impoverished vocabulary? Our brains are working at high speeds, processing information and working to become more efficient. As a result, we resort to using the same vocabulary over and over again. In the pursuit of efficiency, we often create shortcuts that then shortchange us emotionally. The human brain likes to take shortcuts. It conserves energy – and it also keeps us stuck in patterns that don’t always benefit us. The brain also likes certainty, one of our top human needs. Some certainty is beneficial, but too much of it prevents us from growing. To change your words – and change your life – you need to overcome both of these innate human tendencies and shift your way of thinking.

1. Understand the power of labeling

I first became aware of the power of labeling emotions during an intense negotiation, more than a decade and a half ago. I shared information with the other party, thinking it would help my business partners and me cut through the positioning and show good faith. Unfortunately, the other party leveraged that information in an attempt to close the deal in an unjust way.

To say it was upsetting at the time would be an understatement.

After the meeting, I was disappointed and angry, but the intensity of one of my partners baffled me. He was enraged and felt that the other party was “putting a gun to our head.” His face was beet red and he was out of control as I tried to calm him down. The intensity of his emotions struck me because it seemed over-the-top compared to my frustration. On the other hand, our other partner seemed completely unmoved by the experience.

When I asked him, “You don’t seem to be upset by this. Aren’t you angry?” He said, “Well, no, not really. I’m a little annoyed by this.” I was incredulous. “Annoyed?” I asked, “Don’t you realize what these people have done?” He said, “Of course I do. I’m certainly a bit peeved.” “Peeved?” I echoed. “What do you mean, peeved?” To which he responded, “Well, it’s really just not worth being upset over and that’s how I feel.”

I was struck by how each of us used words with such varied levels of intensity, and also how the meaning we gave to our experiences of the event were so radically different. How could it be that I was frustrated, one of my partners was enraged and my other partner was a bit peeved?

I pondered the word, “peeved.” What a ridiculous word to describe what these people had done to us. I would never use this word to describe how I was feeling, but then again, I had never been that calm in an unjust situation. I began to wonder, what if I stayed calm and labeled this injustice as “peeving me?” Just to use the word would probably make me laugh. Maybe he was on to something. Maybe my partner had already discovered that when you change your words, you change your life.

2. Identify your self-talk

For more than two decades, I’ve been testing live audiences all around the world, asking them to take on this task: Make a list of the emotions you feel at least once a week.

Go ahead. Take ten minutes and write down all the emotions you feel at least once a week (not emotions you feel once a month or year). What did you come up with?

Astonishingly, whether the audience consists of 2,000 or 30,000 people, 90% of the people write down an average of a dozen words – more than half of which represent negative feelings. That means that out of the 3,000 words we have for emotions, most people list less than six words to describe good feelings. But the words for their bad feelings are more readily available, stored and remembered.

Have you ever taken the time to think about which words you habitually use and how they affect your life and well-being? Negative self-talk and negative emotional labeling stem from your limiting beliefs and affect all of your emotions – which in turn affect your decisions, behaviors and experiences of life. How you see yourself really reflects those behaviors. Reconnect with yourself.

Let’s look at this phenomenon in another light. What if a person was asked the same question and listed 30 positive emotions? How happy and fulfilled do you think that person is in life?

3. Challenge yourself to change your words, change your life

Is it possible that the words we attach to our experience actually become our experience? Do words have a biochemical effect? Let’s go back to the business meeting that left my partner “peeved.” For the next few weeks after that meeting, I began to notice the different language patterns of others and how they magnified or softened their emotions. Can a change in words lead to a change in state?

It was time to test this theory. I created a 10-day challenge for myself. First, I would have to identify my emotional habits. Then, I would consciously replace these with a new word to break my default pattern of thought and feeling.

I got my first opportunity after a long series of connecting flights, all of which were late. I arrived at my hotel at two a.m., knowing I had to be up to speak at eight a.m. I waited another 10 minutes at the front desk while the clerk slowly searched for my name in the computer. The frustration compounded until it turned to anger. Suddenly, I turned to the man and said, “I know this isn’t your fault, but right now I’m exhausted and I really need to get any room you can find for me because I’m feeling a little bit peeved.”

Just saying that word changed the tone of my voice and made the whole situation seem silly. The clerk looked at me in confusion before breaking into a big smile. I smiled back; my pattern was broken. As ridiculous as it sounds, the replacement word broke my pattern of anger. The emotional volcano building inside of me instantly cooled. So how can words inspire change? It starts with a change inside of you.

4. Shift your emotional patterns over the long-term

Could it really be this easy? Just by changing the words we habitually use to describe our emotions, could we change our feelings and the quality of our lives? Ten days turned into a month and I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was a life-transforming experience.

This is not to say there won’t be times when you feel angry or enraged, but wouldn’t it be nice to have that be a conscious choice as opposed to a habitual negative reaction? We can be proactive in choosing our emotions – we can make experiences more pleasurable.

If you’re wondering how to change your words and change your life in the easiest way possible, start with one word. Replace one word that will transform the way you experience something “negative.” Shifting your mindset is the key to shaping your decisions, actions and life. This is how you create a choice instead of a habitual reaction.

Transformational vocabulary gives you the power to change your experiences in life by lowering the intensity of negative emotions to the point where they no longer control you. It can also be used to take positive experiences and increase them to even greater heights of pleasure.

How extraordinary will your life be when you consistently lower the intensity of negative emotions and intensify the positive ones? Start small. Note the negative words you use on a consistent basis and ask yourself how you can change them. Can you be “peeved” instead of “devastated?” On the other hand, can you feel “ecstatic” instead of “pleased?” When you change your words, you change your mindset. Start creating beneficial habits today, and you’ll quickly reach a more positive, joyful state.

The real secret to transforming your life is to wake up and become conscious of the patterns that are currently unconscious and shaping the way you feel.

Ultimately the way we feel determines the quality of your life. You could have whatever you think life’s dream is—building a billion dollar enterprise or a family that totally loves and adores you—but if every single day you live with the emotions of feeling frustrated and angry, then the quality of your life is called frustration and anger—it has nothing to do with the economic opportunities you have, much less the love you are surrounded by. The quality of our lives is the quality of our emotions.

The power of Transformational Vocabulary is its simplicity. It provides you with an immediate tool to increase the quality of your life. So here are the four steps to your 10-day challenge:

Step 1: Check yourself

Become conscious of the habitual words you use to describe your unhappy or distressing feelings. Begin to notice the labels you are putting on things.

Step 2: Identify 3 negative words

Write down three words you currently use on a regular basis that intensify your negative feelings or emotions. Maybe you use words like “I’m frustrated,” “I’m depressed,” or “I’m humiliated.” Come up with alternative words that will lower the intensity of those negative emotions. Maybe instead of “depressed” you say you are “a little bit down.”

What would happen if instead of saying you feel “humiliated” you say you are “uncomfortable” with how the situation was dealt with? You can soften emotional intensity even further by using modifiers like “I’m just a bit peeved,” or, “I’m feeling a tad out of sorts.”

Step 3: Find 3 positive words

Write down three words that you use to describe your experience that is somewhat positive. When someone says, “how’s it going?” come up with three alternative words that will amplify and intensify the positive feelings and inspire you. Instead of talking about how things are “all right,” replace those words with “incredible,” “outrageous,” and “spectacular.” What’s a positive word that if you really thought about your whole life, you could say and own congruently?

Step 4: Pick two “accountability” buddies

Get leverage so you follow through. Pick two key people in your life – a close friend and ideally someone you respect that you would not want to disappoint. Pull them aside and explain to them your commitment to replace two or three key words in your vocabulary.

6. The power of touch

7. How to recognize people’s patterns

Become a student of possibility. Constantly gauge and calibrate the people around you. Take note of specific patterns they have for perceiving the world and begin to analyze if others have similar patterns.

Metaprograms are mental filters or decision-making strategies that individuals use to process information and make decisions. They are based on an individual's past experiences and beliefs, and can influence how they perceive and interact with the world around them.

Some common metaprograms include:

• "Towards vs. Away From" - whether an individual is motivated by moving towards something they want or away from something they want to avoid

• "Internal vs. External" - whether an individual relies on their own internal values and beliefs or external factors such as social norms and expectations

• "Match vs. Mismatch" - whether an individual is more inclined to look for similarities or differences in situations and people

• "Big Picture vs. Details" - whether an individual prioritizes understanding the overall concept or focusing on specific details

• "Specific vs. General" - whether an individual is more comfortable with specific, concrete information or more abstract, general concepts.

There is not much research on metaprograms, but some studies have found that metaprograms can be used to predict behavior and performance in different settings, such as work and education.

Applying metaprograms to one's life can help individuals understand their own decision-making patterns and how they may be influencing their behavior. By recognizing their own metaprograms, people can become more aware of how they process information and make decisions, and they can learn to use different strategies in different situations.

For example, a person who prioritizes the "big picture" may benefit from taking a step back and focusing on specific details in a task, while a person who tends to be "away from" oriented may need to focus on positive aspects of a situation instead of the negative ones.

To change a metaprogram, individuals can focus on becoming aware of their own decision-making strategies, and try to adopt new ones that better suit the situation. For example, if someone is used to making decisions based on external factors, they can try to rely more on their own internal values and beliefs.

It's important to note that metaprograms are not fixed and can change over time as a person's experiences and beliefs change.

There are several ways to change metaprograms:

1. Self-reflection: Reflect on your own decision-making patterns and try to identify which metaprograms you tend to use. Ask yourself questions like "Do I focus more on the big picture or the details?" or "Do I tend to move towards or away from things?"

2. Seek feedback: Ask friends, family, or a therapist for their observations of your decision-making patterns. They may be able to point out metaprograms you may not have been aware of.

3. Challenge your assumptions: When you encounter a situation, try to challenge your initial assumptions and approach it from a different perspective. For example, if you're used to making decisions based on external factors, try to rely more on your own internal values and beliefs.

4. Experiment with different strategies: Try out different decision-making strategies in different situations and see how they work for you. For example, if you're used to making decisions quickly, try taking more time to consider your options before making a decision.

5. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness practices like meditation, yoga, or journaling can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions, which can help you identify and change your metaprograms.

6. Seek professional help: A therapist or coach trained in metaprograms can help you identify and change your metaprograms and develop strategies to improve your decision-making and overall well-being.

It's important to remember that changing metaprograms takes time and effort, and it may be helpful to set specific goals and track your progress over time. Additionally, it's important to be flexible and open to changing metaprograms as your experiences and beliefs change over time.

8. How to have more confident body language

Confident body language How to look confident – even when you don’t feel it

The moment you step into a room, people immediately form some sort of impression of you. They make snap judgments about what type of person you are – trustworthy, sincere, capable. Much of this is based on whether you present with timid or confident body language.

Did you know that 55% of our communication is nonverbal? Vocal inflection is just 38%, while our words constitute only 7% of our communication. No wonder we say that actions speak louder than words. Subtle physical cues – from how you have your hands placed to how you set your shoulders – set the tone.

If you know how to look confident, people will be more inclined to give you the attention and respect that you deserve. If you appear uncomfortable and insecure, on the other hand, people may be quick to dismiss or discredit you. Confident body language is an integral part of communication and the way you carry yourself may be communicating more than you know to the outside world. That’s why it’s vital to learn how to look more confident – even when you’re not feeling that way.

So how do you communicate a confident look that reinforces your intelligence and capability? By learning about confident body language. Unfortunately, many struggle with self-doubt. Many also believe that if you aren’t born with confidence then you are out of luck. That’s far from the truth. Learning how to look more confident is a skill, and it starts with making small changes to your physical movements, your mindset and your daily routine.

1. Align your shoulders

Slouching displays a lack of confidence and sincerity. Discover how to look confident by standing up straight, pushing your shoulders back slightly and opening up your chest. Be sure to keep your shoulders even, as unevenness conveys indecisiveness. Also, be sure to square your shoulders toward your speaking partner. We point our bodies where our mind wants to go. So if you are speaking to another but your body is facing the door, it comes off that you would like to exit the conversation. The person you are speaking to may think you are discourteous or uncomfortable. Squaring your shoulders toward your partner conveys a sense of interest and confidence and helps you make instant connections.

2. Curb the fidgeting

One of the biggest habits that destroys confident body language is mindless fidgeting. This is a dead giveaway that you feel uncomfortable. Have you ever watched a professional newscaster? They never touch their face, adjust their ties, pull at their clothing or play with their jewelry. They are trained to get you to believe what they are saying; if they didn’t know how to look confident while delivering their message, you would not trust nor believe them. If you find yourself fidgeting, relax. Stay present and fold your hands in your lap or on top of the table in front of you.

3. Steeple your hands

What’s the most confident look? A single hand gesture could be the answer. Many people are used to what is called the “fig leaf” gesture, in which one hand cups the other and rests over the groin area. But this hand gesture conveys insecurity and weakness. To unlock how to look more confident, you want to use the hand steeple, in which the fingers come together to form a point. When someone steeples in the chest area, it signals that they are confident about what they are saying. When someone steeples in the lap area, it means they are confident about what they are hearing.

4. Make eye contact

Eye contact is one of the most powerful forms of confident body language. Follow the 80/20 rule: for 80% of the time your eyes are meeting your speaking partner’s; for 20% of the time, your eyes are roaming as you determine what to say in return. Good eye contact allows your speaking partner to feel that you are interested in what they are saying. They will also appreciate and respect you more for meeting their eyes and ultimately view you as a caring, confident individual.

5. Have a firm handshake

Those who know how to look confident understand that a good handshake can set the tone for your interaction with another individual. The best handshake starts with you holding your hand in a vertical position with your fingers together and your thumb extended upright. Then, when shaking your partner’s hand, make a close, assertive connection in which the web of your hand meets their web. Approach their hand as evenly as possible, as the way a person extends their hand says a lot about their intention. When someone’s hand is facing down, it means they want to control you. If their hand is facing up, it conveys that they are submissive.

If you want to go the extra mile to project a confident look, “anchor” the handshake. This means using your other hand to touch the person softly on their forearm between their wrist and their elbow. Done correctly, this move conveys that you are fully committed to speaking with the person. Just be sure to not go any higher than the elbow, as this could make the person feel like you are invading their personal space.

6. Walk with ease

Want to know how to make yourself look confident when entering a room? Change how you walk. The way you walk can show if you are nervous, happy or upset, as well as indicate if you are relaxed or in a rush. Whether you are walking into a networking group where you want to impress others in attendance or you’re entering a board room to gain the upper hand in a negotiation, the right type of walk will make you appear all the more confident.

Those who walk fast and keep their arms tight against their bodies appear nervous and unsure of themselves. Walk slowly with your arms held loose by your sides. Pair this walk with an open expression and be ready to shake hands when you encounter others. Your confident body language will draw others to you.

7. Create confidence-building habits

Once you can employ confident body language in the moment, you can begin to work on changing your daily habits to promote real confidence. There are plenty of habits you can start, but three of the most powerful are priming, visualization and incantations.

8. Master your emotions

Truly mastering how to look more confident starts with the ability to control your emotions. If you let life’s small annoyances make you angry or you are living in a state of fear, your confidence will be constantly overruled by your emotions – and letting your emotions rule your life only leads to disappointment. Start by first identifying and acknowledging what you feel, without letting it overtake you. Ask yourself what the emotion is telling you, then take action to bring balance back to your state. You can even use some of these confident body language tips to “trick” your brain into letting go of the negative emotion so that you can replace it with a positive one.

9. Address your limiting beliefs

When you change how you think about yourself, you change your life. This includes the words you say out loud and the words you say in your head. It’s much easier to learn how to make yourself look confident when you feel confident about yourself and your abilities.

Much of this has to do with addressing limiting beliefs about who you are and how others see you. If you’ve been told in the past that you are not good enough or that no one will respect you, you probably believe, deep down, that it’s actually true. When you adopt empowering beliefs about yourself, you increase your self-esteem and this will show in your outward appearance.

10. Model someone else

Some people make confident body language seem easy. You can create your own confident look by choosing one of these individuals to model yourself after. This person can be a celebrity you follow on social media or a person in your community who impresses you. The ideal role model will be knowledgeable and well-rounded; they will show concern and respect for others in addition to appearing confident in multiple types of situations. Your role model can be someone you observe from a distance, or you can reach out to them and develop a mentoring relationship.

Learn how to look more confident, as well as other secrets to success, with Tony Robbins’ 30-Day Personal Power program.

9. Learn how to make the right impression and master non-verbal signs

Let’s take a look at ten of the most common body language mistakes that could be costing you more than you realize:

Poor posture

Power, status and confidence are nonverbally communicated by how you use the space around you. When you slump down, caving your shoulders inwards and making yourself smaller, you give off the impression that you are insecure and basically insignificant. But by keeping your posture upright, your shoulders back and your head high, you are expanding yourself and taking control of the surrounding space. This not only gives the outward appearance of confidence, strength and vitality, it actually starts a chemical reaction in your brain that makes you feel more sure of yourself. According to Harvard professor Amy Cuddy, just two minutes of power posing — standing tall, holding your arms in a “v” shape towards the sky, or standing with your hands on your hips and legs apart like Superman — can significantly increase your confidence. So the next time you’re about to step into an interview or deliver a public speech, try holding your body in a power pose and watch how it makes you not only look confident but also feel more confident in yourself.

• When long sits, like in an airplane, put a bottle or a vest on your back so you sit straight.

• For every hour of sitting you need to walk five minutes around. Do a squad. Pomodoro is even better (stretch). Walk helps you consolidate learning, you are moving the information in your body.

Failing to match and mirror

Too often, we rely on our words to create a sense of commonality with others. We ask questions, we laugh when they laugh, we try to fill awkward silences with small talk, all to help strengthen the bond between yourself and the person you are communicating with. But words don’t always work.

What does work? Matching and mirroring. By using similar body language or gestures as the person you are communicating with, you can create a relationship of responsiveness. The other person will begin to see you as more trustworthy and, in turn, will be more apt to like you. To understand this further, see how Tony explains it in The Power of Rapport.

Matching and mirroring does take practice. You do not want to copy the other person to the extent it becomes obvious. The trick is to make it as subtle as possible until it becomes as casual and natural as possible.

Grand gestures

Have you ever watched Steve Jobs give a presentation? He often used the smallest gestures to deliver the biggest points.

In business, flailing your hands or arms wildly about signals to others that you are out of control and makes it difficult for others to respect your authority. But by keeping your movements smaller and more relaxed, using open arms and showing the palms of your hands, you will come across as sincere and respectable. People will in turn be more inclined to listen to and engage in what you have to say.

Gesture is also inherently linked to speech, so using crisp, clean gestures can actually help you form clearer thoughts and speak in a more thoughtful, declarative way.

Fidgeting

If you are nervous or stressed, you may find yourself twirling your hair, bouncing your leg up and down, tapping your fingers across the desk, fiddling with your pen, or just moving restlessly about. And while you may think this is harmless, you should know that these actions can actually signal that you are insecure or even insincere. So if you catch yourself fidgeting, take a moment, focus on your breath and fold your hands gently in your lap or on the desk. Your sense of stillness will send the message to others that you are cool, calm and collected.

Speaking without authority

Your voice is one of the most powerful instruments you have when it comes to forming relationships and interacting with others. If people like what they hear in your voice, odds are they will perceive you as confident and knowledgable, and will be more likely to engage. But if they don’t like your voice, they may find you obnoxious or unreliable, and will subconsciously disconnect. This is especially important in the workplace, where the quality of your voice can be a pivotal factor in your ability to command the attention and respect of your colleagues.

To learn more about how you can use your vocal tool box to enhance the power of speaking, take a look at the following Ted Talk by communication master, Julian Treasure:

Avoid:

1. Gossip

2. Judging

3. Negativity

4. Complaining (viral misery)

5. Excuses

6. Exaggertion

7. Dogmatism (confusion of facts with opinions)

Do’s

HAIL: to greet or acclaim enthusiastically

H: Honesty (tempered with love)

A: Authenticity (stand in your own truth)

I: Integrity (do what you say)

L: Love

How do you deliver your message

• Register: location of voice. If you want wait: go down to the chest with speaking (lower speaking.

• Timbre: fluent (get a coach)

• Prosody: opposite of monotonic

• Pace

• Pitch

• Volume (high: excited, low: attention)

Warm-up your voice. Six exercises at 8:10.

Giving no physical feedback

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in the workplace is showing no empathy or interest in what your colleagues are saying. When you do not give them physical feedback, it makes them feel like you are uninterested or aloof.

Express that you genuinely care about what they have to say by using facial expression. By squaring your shoulders towards the speaker, raising your eyebrows, nodding your head, or giving vocal utterances to show that you are engaged, you will make the person you are communicating with feel respected and important.

No eye contact

The importance of eye contact has been impressed upon us since we were kids. And there’s a reason for that. Eye contact is one of the most important components of nonverbal communication. The ability to look another in the eyes while communicating signals confidence, authority and sincerity. But when you avert your eyes or stare down at the ground, people will assume you are insecure or untrustworthy. In turn, they will find it hard to engage in what you are saying and even harder to be persuaded.

If you need to gather your thoughts, take a moment of pause, glance away thoughtfully, then return to making eye contact before you resume speaking. With solid eye contact your words will carry even more weight because because your actions support what you are saying.

Bad handshake

We’ve all met someone with the “dead fish” handshake or the “bone-crusher” grip, and, chances are, that didn’t make a good impression on you. Why? Because the sense of touch is the most powerful form nonverbal communication. Touch communicates a sense of intimacy and signals the connection between two people. This is why the right handshake can signal trustworthiness and integrity, making the other person feel safe and at ease, but the wrong one could give the impression that you are a wet blanket or an overbearing bully — and who wants to be associated with that?

Ideally, your handshake should be firm, but not aggressive. You should make palm-to-palm contact, sliding your hand down so that the web of your hand (the area between the thumb and the pointer finger) meets the web of the other person’s hand. This will allow others to perceive you as a person of integrity and reliability, and will ensure that they see you as a professional right off the bat.

Frowning

It goes without saying that frowning, scowling, grimacing or any other negative facial expression creates an immediate distance between you and others. They’ll perceive you as being cold, insecure and closed off. But what many are not aware of is that negative expressions also send a signal to the brain that whatever you are doing is difficult or unpleasant. That, in turn, causes your brain to release cortisol into your bloodstream, which elevates your stress levels. So if you are in a bad mood, you’re only making it worse.

Smiling, on the other hand, demonstrates confidence and warmth to others. And it is accompanied by increased activity in the left pre-frontal cortex, which is essentially the hub of positive feelings. So the next time you find yourself in a bad mood, try forcing yourself to smile. You may just be able to change your emotional state by doing so.

Extra tip:

• Two primal systems run your body: the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic prepares the body for vigorous activity and the parasympathetic maintains and restores physical reserves. Sympathetic can be recognized by becoming white with a tense lip (= attack), turning red is parasympathetic (withdrawal). In social interactions, there is a jump between these two systems. As a result, there is fidgeting, such as looking at the phone, scribbling, playing with hands, and fidgeting. If you are dominant you don't do this, this starts when someone feels insecure/anxious.

Crossing your arms

When your arms are crossed, they form a closed off, defensive barricade between you and the listener. The person you are communicating with will interpret this wall you have created as a sign that you are protecting yourself, that you have something to hide, or that you are resistant to truly engaging in conversation.

In order to not signal anxiety, unreliability, or hostility, be sure to keep your hands in plain sight and position your arms in a more open, inviting way. And if you encounter someone with crossed arms, there are ways in which you can strategically pull him out of it. Shake hands, ask to borrow a pen, or offer him a drink. The more you can get the other person to physically open up, the more engaged he or she will feel.

Conclusion

Quiz

How to apply this in your life today

Food for thought

Expand your understanding