*Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering, There is a crack in everything That’s how the light gets in
*- Leonard Cohen
Empathy and compassion are essential skills for building meaningful relationships and creating a more compassionate and inclusive world. Empathy allows us to truly understand and share the emotions of others, while compassion involves feeling caring and concern for the suffering of others and a desire to help alleviate that suffering. By cultivating these skills, we can connect with others on a deeper level and respond to their needs and feelings with understanding and kindness.
There are various ways we can build empathy and compassion in our relationships. One way is through active listening, which involves paying attention to what others are saying and trying to understand their perspective. We can also seek to understand others' emotions by taking a moment to put ourselves in their shoes and showing genuine concern for their well-being. By being open to others' experiences and avoiding judgment, we can create a more empathetic and compassionate environment.
In addition to these larger gestures, we can also show compassion in small ways, such as offering a kind word or a listening ear. These simple acts of kindness can go a long way in building empathy and compassion in our relationships. We can also practice gratitude, which helps us focus on the positive aspects of our relationships and fosters a sense of connection and appreciation for others.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It involves being able to recognize and understand others' emotions and experiences, and to respond with appropriate emotion and understanding. Empathy is different from sympathy, which is feeling sorry for someone else's situation or feelings. Empathy involves being able to truly understand and feel what another person is experiencing, and to respond with compassion and understanding.
Empathy is an important aspect of social and emotional intelligence and is essential for building healthy, meaningful relationships with others. It allows us to connect with others on a deeper level and to respond to their needs and feelings in a supportive and caring way. Empathy can also help us better understand and relate to those who are different from us and can promote more harmonious and inclusive communities.
Compassion is a feeling of deep caring and concern for the suffering of others, accompanied by a desire to help alleviate that suffering. It involves feeling empathy for others and responding with understanding, kindness, and a willingness to help. Compassion involves recognizing the common humanity of others and acknowledging that we are all interconnected and subject to the same joys and struggles of life.
Compassion is an important aspect of human relationships and is essential for building a sense of community and connection with others. It allows us to show caring and support towards those in need, and to respond with kindness and understanding to those who are suffering. Compassion can also inspire us to take action to address the suffering of others and to work towards a more compassionate and just world.
So, in short, empathy is the ability to understand and share others' emotions, while compassion is the feeling of caring and concern for the suffering of others, accompanied by a desire to help. By training your power of compassion you develop a deep realization that we are all closely connected and that each of us has a responsibility to make the world a little better.
Compassion = emphaty + love
Practice active listening: When someone is speaking to us, it's important to listen attentively and try to understand their perspective. Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions, and instead, ask questions to better understand their feelings and experiences. When a friend confides in you about a difficult situation they are going through, take the time to really listen and try to understand their perspective.
Seek to understand others' emotions: Empathy involves being able to recognize and understand others' emotions. To build empathy, try to take a moment to put yourself in others' shoes and try to understand how they might be feeling. Ask them how they are doing and show genuine concern for their well-being.
Be open to others' experiences: It's natural to have preconceived notions about certain situations or people, but it's important to be open to the experiences of others. By being open and non-judgmental, we can create a more empathetic and compassionate environment.
Show compassion in small ways: There are many ways to show compassion towards others, even in small gestures. Simple acts like offering a kind word or a listening ear can go a long way in building empathy and compassion in relationships. Show kindness and support: When a colleague is struggling with a challenging project, offer to help them out or provide a listening ear. A simple act of kindness and support can go a long way in building compassion in a professional relationship.
Practice gratitude: Gratitude helps us focus on the positive aspects of our relationships and can help us feel more connected and compassionate towards others. Make a habit of regularly expressing gratitude towards those around you.
Volunteer or help those in need: Volunteering or helping those in need can help us better understand the challenges and struggles faced by others and can help foster a sense of compassion and empathy towards those around us.
Remember that building empathy and compassion takes time and effort, but it is a crucial component of healthy, meaningful relationships. By practicing these habits and being open to the experiences and emotions of others, we can create a more empathetic and compassionate world.
Chances are you have prejudices about (self) compassion. Those are quite stubborn.
Compassion is a soft skill and (therefore) yields too little.
Compassion is especially needed in healthcare professions
Self-compassion is selfish and makes lazy
Compassion is sometimes unjust: some people are just jerks, they don't deserve compassion.
One common bias that can impact our ability to show compassion is the tendency to favor people who are similar to us, or who share our values, beliefs, or characteristics. This bias, known as ingroup favoritism, can lead us to show more compassion and empathy towards people who are like us, and less towards those who are different. This can be particularly pronounced when it comes to biases related to race, ethnicity, religion, gender, age, or other characteristics.
Benefits
When we think about compassion, it's easy to picture excessive indulgence or coddling - skipping the gym to rest in our big bellies, or avoiding addressing someone's problematic behavior because we feel sorry for them. But true compassion is about so much more than that. It's not about letting ourselves or others off the hook, or constantly standing up for the weaker members of society. Instead, compassion is a powerful force for growth and development. It can inspire us to push ourselves to be better, to give constructive feedback to others, and to take responsibility for our own actions. In fact, research has shown that compassion is one of the most important qualities to look for in a romantic partner. So next time you think about compassion, remember that it's not just about fluffy feelings and soft edges. It's about being strong and proactive in our own growth and the growth of those around us. Source
Compassion has been a rising topic in research, proving many potential benefits to showing compassion towards oneself and others. Some of the benefits of compassion include:
Increased well-being and happiness: Compassion can lead to greater feelings of happiness and well-being, as it helps us to feel connected and supported by others. More positive emotions, less fear of rejection and making mistakes, more self-esteem.
Improved physical health: Studies have shown that compassion can have positive effects on physical health, including lower blood pressure, reduced stress, and a stronger immune system. Better self-care and a healthier diet. An improved immune system
Greater resilience: Compassion can help us to bounce back from challenges and setbacks, as it allows us to view our struggles in a more positive and supportive light.
Enhanced relationships: Compassion can lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships with others, as it allows us to connect with others on a deeper level and to show understanding and support. More social connection, less loneliness. Take more responsibility for your own behavior
Greater motivation and productivity: Compassion can inspire us to be more motivated and productive, as it helps us to feel more connected and invested in our goals and the goals of others. More effectiveness and proactiveness, more sense of purpose, better performances.
Improved mental health: Compassion can lead to better mental health, including reduced anxiety, depression, and stress. A higher emotional intelligence. Compassion training participants showed significantly more brain waves in the gamma frequencies, indicating that all parts of the brain work closely together. The result is a heightened state of consciousness, highly alert functioning and easier peak performance. Source
The capacity for both compassion and egoism is embedded in our DNA. But the more intelligent animals become through evolution, the stronger the care and calming system becomes and (with it) the propensity for compassion. The greatest step in man's evolution is not fire, the spear, or the cave drawing; it's compassion. Darwin comes to this conclusion in his book 'The descent of man'. Because the brain of the fetus continued to develop and (therefore) became too large to be born, the human being had to come into the world as a baby, immature and independent. In order to raise his children, man has therefore taught himself compassion: qualitative procreation, or loving and educating. This is in contrast to the snake and the tortoise, who hope for as many survivors from their offspring as possible by their shooting hail. Compassion has become the strong instinct of man, and it is this instinct that ensures that man survives as a species. Darwin's term - survival of the fittest - which incidentally was coined by his contemporary Herbert Spencer - should therefore actually be 'survival of the most compassionate'. Because it is precisely the one who shows compassion, who survives.
The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm - Swedish proverb
Be careful how you talk to yourself because someone is listening.
Self-compassion is a way of being kind and understanding towards ourselves, especially when we are facing hardship or suffering. It's about treating ourselves with the same care and concern that we would show towards a good friend, and recognizing that we all experience suffering and failure at times.
Self-compassion is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being. It involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, rather than constantly striving for perfection or dwelling on one's flaws. This is in contrast to self-esteem, which is often based on external validation and the pursuit of success. While self-esteem can be fragile and lead to negative consequences, self-compassion allows us to recognize our inherent worth and value without conditions or standards.
One way to practice self-compassion is to focus on the care system, which is centered on nurturing and caring for others. This can be done through phrases such as "I give myself compassion" and "I wish myself happiness." It's important to recognize any resistance to these exercises, such as irritation or doubt, without judgment and see it as an opportunity to practice compassion. It's also important to choose a level of training that feels comfortable and to give the exercises a fair chance, rather than viewing them as homework.
Overall, self-compassion is a valuable tool for finding balance and enhancing our lives. By embracing our strengths, weaknesses, and flaws and recognizing our inherent worth and value, we can cultivate a sense of self-acceptance and well-being.
Self-compassion involves three important elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness is about being gentle and understanding towards ourselves, rather than being self-critical or judgmental. Common humanity is about acknowledging that suffering and imperfection are a natural part of being human, and that we are not alone in experiencing them. Mindfulness is about being present in the moment and accepting our thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Self-compassion can be a powerful tool for coping with difficult emotions and challenges, and for building resilience and well-being. It can help us feel more connected and less isolated, and can lead to greater emotional balance and happiness. Studies have shown that self-compassion can lead to less anxiety and depression, and more satisfaction with life. It can also be helpful for personal growth, as it allows us to acknowledge our limitations and mistakes in a non-judgmental way, and to learn and grow from them.
Example: Imagine you come across a begging bum on the street. The first step in showing compassion is to really see and acknowledge the person's pain. Rather than just passing by, you take a moment to look at the person with open and non-judgmental attention. The second step is to recognize that suffering is a common human experience and that you are connected to this person through shared humanity. You understand that it could have easily been you in the same situation. The third step is to feel the desire to alleviate the person's suffering and possibly take action to do so. You show kindness by offering your attention, a smile, or something tangible like money or a sandwich. This simple act of compassion can make a big difference in the life of another person, and can also help to build a sense of connection and shared humanity between you.
We basically have three unmet needs and they are linked to the emotion regulation systems:
the need for safety (wanting to feel comfortable); the danger system
the need for recognition (wanting to be acknowledged and heard): the hunting system
the need for connection (wanting to feel loved); the care system
How can you identify exactly what need it is that is hidden under your anger? The first step is to create a pause moment the moment you feel anger (compare it with the magic quarter second). This often works better with people who are a little further away from you - you are more likely to swallow a burnout from a customer than a snarl from your partner. There are five steps you can take:
Experience and acknowledge your hard feelings (angry, rigid, closed off, condemnation)
Use the self-compassion pause to distance yourself and not follow your impulse (snarling, tossing the receiver, making a deliberately hurtful comment).
Examine the soft feelings underlying the anger (sadness, disappointment, fear, worry).
Name your unmet needs (security, recognition, development, love).
Indicate to the other that you have that need and/or lay that need down with yourself (do a self-compassion exercise)
An old Tibetan sits with his grandson by a campfire. The grandson asks, "Grandfather, are people good by nature?" The man replies: 'Inside me there is a fight going on between two wolves. The gray wolf is bad'; it consists of anger, jealousy, resentment, greed, conceit, self-pity, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The brown wolf is good and represents joy, contentment, love, hope, calmness, humility, kindness, sympathy, generosity, truth and compassion. The same battle rages in every person. Also in you.' The grandson stares into the fire and then asks, "Which wolf will win the fight?" The old man smiles and replies, "The wolf you feed."
Quickie: Today, pay attention to when you feed your gray wolf and what activities, thoughts and emotions you feed your brown wolf. Which wolf ate the most?
Final note: self-compassion is not a means of becoming a 'better' person (slender, smarter, richer) person. It is to accept yourself unconditionally (chubby, average). A difference between self-compassion and self-pity, with the latter it is 'me first' and you as victim. With self-compassion it is 'us first' with you as enabler (of growth).
Hell is other people - JP Sartre
To connect: seek what you share instead of differences -→ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD8tjhVO1Tc
The challenge in relationships is staying close to yourself and opening yourself up to the other person. The 'I' remain in the midst of 'we'. This way you experience more interactions during the day that refresh and invigorate you than experiences that irritate and drain you. Due to the stronger sense of connection, the ease with which you evoke compassion increases: the vicious circle is born.
Did you know that difficult people in your life are your best teachers? Difficult people wouldn't bother us if they didn't say something about our own needs, strengths and weaknesses. You as a pet - exactly you are annoyed to death by that sloppy colleague. What can you learn from that junk ass? Let go - and the slob can pull itself back on your accuracy. Or are you bothered by an excessively modest shy and in your eyes meaningless mouse? Then it may also be because your own mouth is sometimes a bit too big. If it gets hard, just remember: in the midst of the difficulty lies the opportunity.
Quickie: recall a fight that happened in the past. Do you still feel the anger? Which unfulfilled layers lie below? Are you ready to do something constructive with those unmet needs? Follow the steps above. What was it like to acknowledge the anger? Could you notice soft feelings and the underlying unmet needs? What self-compassion exercises did you use? Were you able to show compassion for yourself and others?
Things that are the most difficult for you to say are often the most valuable.
Technique 1: Just Like Me
When interacting with someone who is behaving in a way that is difficult or challenging, try to remind yourself that they are just like you, with similar thoughts, feelings, and desires. This can help to increase empathy and reduce judgment. For example, if you are interacting with a coworker who is constantly negative and critical, try to remember that they are likely struggling with their own challenges and insecurities, just like you.
Technique 2: Extended Benevolent Intention
When interacting with someone who is not acting in a way that is immediately likable or deserving of compassion, try to extend compassionate thoughts and intentions towards them. Recognize that all humans are imperfect and have moments of weakness or wrongdoing, and choose to extend compassion and understanding rather than judgment or anger. For example, if you are interacting with a family member who has hurt you in the past, try to let go of your anger and focus on extending compassion and understanding towards them.
Technique 3: Tonglen
This technique involves visualizing the suffering of oneself or others and taking it in on an inhale, and then wishing oneself or others with happiness and well-being on the exhale. It can be helpful to practice tonglen in situations where you are feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions or struggling to show compassion towards yourself or others. For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed by stress or anxiety, you could try practicing tonglen to help you find a sense of inner calm and compassionate understanding.
Technique 4: Forgiveness
If you are feeling angry or resentful towards someone who has harmed you in some way, try practicing forgiveness. This involves letting go of negative emotions and recognizing that we all make mistakes. It can be helpful to identify the unfulfilled needs or emotions that may be driving your feelings of anger, and to practice self-compassion as you work through the process of forgiveness. For example, if you are feeling angry towards a former friend who betrayed you, try to identify the unmet needs or emotions that are driving your anger, and practice self-compassion as you work towards letting go of that anger and moving on.
Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself, not a gift you give someone else
The best formula for a great life: Trade your expectations for appreciation. The moment you do, your whole world transforms.
Many people today yearn for happiness, joy, and love, but often experience more stress and less enjoyment in their lives. This can be due to patterns of perception, or the ways in which people look at and label their experiences. Expectations can also play a large role in causing stress and pain, as people often expect others to act a certain way. The solution is to trust that people do the best they can with the resources they have, and to practice forgiveness and faith in order to improve the quality of life.
Looking back on your life, you may have had experiences that were painful, but through them, you may have developed insight, caring, or inner strength that shapes who you are today. By tapping into this level of consciousness, you can find a higher meaning in your past pain and move beyond it through forgiveness and faith, which can free and strengthen your spirit.
The people who give up the story of their past experiences and find a higher meaning are the ones who lead, grow, give, and experience life's deepest joy and fulfillment. To be truly free and happy, we must give up our expectations and understand that our problems can serve a purpose in helping us grow and respond compassionately. Radical forgiveness and faith in guidance or a higher meaning in our experiences is key. To forgive is to let go of the past and focus on the present and the future.
Research shows biochemical changes in blood flow to different parts of the brain when we are angry and conversely, when we choose to forgive. Numerous studies prove that hosting anger and chronic emotional distress erodes physical health, alters cardiovascular homeostasis, impoverishes sleep quality, and stimulates the production of stress-related hormones like cortisol. Conversely, forgiveness promotes wellbeing, cardiovascular health, and may increase survival rates.
Remember: What’s wrong is always available; so is what’s right. Growth, joy, new insights, meaning, happiness, freedom, and love are just a little faith and forgiveness away.
Brené Brown's TED talk "The Power of Vulnerability" is a powerful and engaging talk that delves into the importance of vulnerability and its role in human connection. In the talk, Brown shares her research on vulnerability, shame, and authenticity, and how they are interconnected. She explains that vulnerability is the emotional risk we take to show up and be seen in order to create a sense of belonging and connection with others.
Brown highlights that vulnerability is not weakness, but rather it is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. She argues that in order to be truly vulnerable, we must first understand and accept our emotions and be willing to share them with others. Vulnerability is a powerful tool that allows us to build deeper and more meaningful connections with others, and it also helps us to be more authentic in our lives.
The talk is relatable and easy to understand, and it is packed with powerful insights and practical advice that can help people connect with themselves and others in a more meaningful way. It provides a new perspective on vulnerability, and it encourages people to be more open and honest in their relationships, which can lead to a more fulfilling and happy life. Additionally, Brené Brown’s research-based approach gives credibility to her statements which makes the talk even more powerful. It is a must-watch for anyone looking to improve their relationships and build deeper connections with others.
Shame and fear (excruciating vulnerability) = connect
One key difference between the people who had a sense of love and belonging and those that struggle for it: the people that had a sense of love and belonging believed they are worthy of love and belonging. They believe they are worthy.
The one thing that keeps us out of connection is the fear that we are not worthy of connection.
“whole” people have in common: courage, connection, compassion
Courage comes from the Latin cour (to tell your story with your whole heart). Have the courage to be imperfect. Let go of the thoughts you should be, and be willing to be who you are (authenticity). Fully embrace vulnerability (it is what makes you beautiful).
This change of shift from the desire to control the output to the willing acceptance that you embrace vulnerability and lean in the discomfort can lead to a breakdown. Or a spiritual awakening (it’s all about perspective).
Vulnerability is the core of connection, joy, and love.
We numb our vulnerability and try to escape.
We are the most in debt, obese, and addicted adult cohort in human history. The core of this problem: we numb our bad stuff. Here are vulnerability, grief, shame, fear, and disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. Here are a couple of beers and a banana muffin.
You cannot selectively numb feelings. When you numb, you numb everything. Joy, happiness. Then we are miserable and looking for purpose and meaning.
We make the uncertain CERTAIN. Religion has gone from I believe in fate and mystery to certainty. I’m right, you’re wrong, shut up. This is how politics work: the more afraid, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. There is no discourse, no conversation, there is just blame. Blame described in research: a way to discharge pain and discomfort.
We perfect. We take fat from our but and put it in our cheeks. We perfect our children, who are hard-wired for struggle when they get here. It’s not our job to get them into Harvard before they are 18. It is our job to say: ‘you’re imperfect and wired for struggle, but you’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s our job.
Let ourselves be seen:
To love with our whole hearts (with no guarantees)
Practice gratitude and lean into joy
Believe you are enough
You will stop screaming and start listening
Question: why and how do you numb?