This year, big life events happened. My mom got sick. My best friend and my fiance’s sister had babies. This possibility of death and birth hit home one fundamental truth: that life as we know it can change at any moment.

As a woman in her mid-thirties, this was something I knew in theory but not in full force. Until this year, I pretended that I still had time for everything. That one day I would grow up and find a proverbial light switch that would give me answers and stability. That I would be financially secure, see eye to eye with my partner about how we wanted to live, become confident expressing myself, feel the desire to have kids, or at least, confidence in my decision to not have kids.

Yet my twenties came and went, early thirties came and went, and I found no such light switch. And I had the confront the reality that even though life as I knew it could change at any moment, I was also not investing in any changes that would create a deeper sense of fulfillment and security, or inch towards the life I wanted to live one day.

In the past few months, as I’ve absorbed these realizations, I’ve decided to live a quieter, slower, and less hectic life. While fast and all-consuming productivity are glamorized everywhere, slow is my sweet spot. Slow is where I find the energy, willpower, and ironically, time to carve out lasting change.

I will create slowness to hone my neglected intuition, to lean into more of what I love, and where I want to challenge myself every day.

More actual learning and absorbing, less parroting.

More writing to capture and clarify my thoughts, and to get comfortable speaking in my voice. To share with others things that moved me, to find common ground.

More reading, because I love it and because I can think of few activities so valuable for their own sake.

More being cognizant that my time with my partner isn’t forever. Drawing boundaries, speaking up when something doesn’t feel right, but making our time together count every day instead of banking on some distant future where we will be more comfortable or suddenly find the space to live in peace.

Less consumption, more investing. Doing my future self a solid, because my anxieties over financial insecurity and preserving my health as I get older are legitimate. Being disciplined where I can today to ease the mind of my future self. Owning that “yolo” doesn’t really work for me.

Perhaps by living like this, I will find the light switch. Perhaps not. And perhaps I will come to the realization that there is no light switch at all to be found—just temporary shadows, light, and our efforts.