Is it a nightmare or a blessing? I’ll never know

Ah crap, the alarm had to go off, didn’t it?
It had to. Right when I was in the middle of that beautiful dream.
I was chilling at a Bed and Breakfast in Bali, but no.
I’m back to living the same day for the 100th time.

I’m struggling to open even one-fourth of an eye.
But you bet I’ve scrolled through 20 Instagram reels.
I check my work mail, my Gmail, social media, and blog.
And I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet.

I’m not a morning person.
The most you’ll get out of me before noon is a confused stare.
I figure I can shower later (a whole day later) and switch on my laptop.
I gulp down my breakfast and sit at meetings.

Ah. Meetings.
Do these people not realize that most of this meeting is a God-awful waste?
But hey, we’re all on Instagram or Whatsapp through these super-productive meetings anyway.
Damn those reels.

Irritation. Annoyance. The mind-numbing torture of monotony.
Being stuck in a soul-sucking job can do things to your mind and body.
Things that doctors warn of will bring you serious health issues at a young age.
But it’s only for a few more days, I tell myself.

Only a few more days of mindlessly scrolling on my phone.
Working double shifts for the pay of one.
Growing a side hustle until it utterly drains me.
Being too tired to write. And too unfulfilled to sleep.

Staying up till 3 A.M, not just because of my smartphone.
But because my brain is cooking up all sorts of ideas.
I can’t shut it down because I’m too invested in what it has to say.
Too invested in the dreams that keep me wide awake.

I look up in despair, cursing the loop of this one wretched day.
And catch my racing thoughts gently.
I’ll let those thoughts finish.
I’ll give them a big stage and acknowledge them duly. But there’s more.

I won’t forget about the times I lived another kind of day.
The kind of day where my loved ones were in the hospital, very sick.
The kind of day where I watched them in agony or suffered through something myself.
The kind of day when I wished for a normal routine back, to sweep away the pain.

There have been times when I took normalcy for granted.
And then I craved it.
I craved it badly to ease whatever misery I felt and saw before me.
But now that there’s “too much normal”, I’m bored?

My epiphany of gratitude can’t magically make everything fine.
Things are still pretty shit.
But I can tolerate being stuck here, kind of healthy, and kind of happy.
I’m kind of happy that my family and I are safe.

I’m kind of happy to be just “okay” for now, because it’s a big deal.
I’ll be really happy when I start actually living my life and making it everything I desire.
But for now, this day is fine.
For now, I’ll live the same day for the 101st time.