I always hesitate to turn experiences into life

It needs to be acknowledged that I don't think I can complete my research or project within the university setting.

Here, there is an incredibly open space surrounded by the natural environment I yearn for, with ever-changing clear skies.

However, people's thinking doesn't seem as open as one would imagine; everyone is busy with one phase-based task after another.

Each person has an assumption that only by completing these check boxes ✅ can I do what I want. Only after building good relationships with ten professors can I research xxx effectively.

Then, there is very little time to think about what one really wants to do.

It feels like they don't truly care about learning; they are merely focused on completing tasks, doing what needs to be done within a specific time frame, and then never touching it again. Of course, this is my perception from my interactions, and I believe in its authenticity because I have had similar thoughts myself at times.

It needs to be acknowledged that I can never reach a state of mind where I can do these things well, but I don't care about them. I just can't.

It's not about how important the utility of knowledge is; it's about how important the utility of knowledge is to oneself (a kind of illumination for the mind). There is a psychological aspect where you're forced to read a book to meet certain test requirements, and then you discover the interesting parts that make you start thinking, "Maybe this is what I was originally interested in." I don't know if it's true because it cannot be too easy for people to lie to themselves.

I always feel that memory doesn't lie and I'm increasingly unable to tolerate rote memorization.

Once again, I firmly believe that if I can't engage in active writing, if I don't have a natural interest in particular knowledge, it becomes a temporary burden in my mind.

Once again, I feel that education crushes people's interest in knowledge, filling the space of the mind with seemingly irrelevant information in exchange for temporary "victories" and achievements. Can I really do it well and truly want to do it? Without a unified standard, how will I measure myself?

I think I still need to fight for time and space for my dreams and attention.

It needs to be acknowledged that my interest still lies at the intersection of blockchain and thought tools.

While there are many things you can do in this world, what truly becomes difficult is giving up on certain things and doing what must be done.

I think I still hold onto the illusion of passion for myself, believing that there is something that can motivate me to get out of bed every morning(I hate this phase but yeah), waiting for me.

I have decided to return to my home country to focus on writing or reclaiming my writing rhythm. I have experienced an exciting 8 months(still some rest of time to go), and now it's time for some reflection. I know I will greatly miss this place, the time that felt like a dream in my life, the people I encountered here, the state of being experienced here, and the solitude in close proximity to nature. But like a curse of time, I always hesitate to turn experiences into life, as if by doing so, they lose their uniqueness and become trivial matters.

To observe oneself in a particular environment, one must step out of that environment to see. It seems like I must always finish one thing before starting another.

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