“I don’t have time for your dumbass question Jim. I’ve got meetings I’m not prepared for. Unanswered texts. People I’ve made promises to. None of these afford me the time for your high-minded, touchy-feely, soul-searching BS.”

Woah, simmer down. It’s just a simple question.

But that’s the response I got when I asked myself this question. Despite that, I lay in bed and forced myself to give it honest focused attention until I had an answer.

What’s the question?

Well, it’s one that echoed over and over in my head in different ways until I finally stopped dismissing it. The more I considered it, the clearer it became. This question could create value in my life in several different ways. Better still, almost anyone could find as much meaning in the question and answer as I did.

I grew so excited about the importance of this inquiry, that I stripped off its question mark and made it a statement, then a recommendation, and finally a challenge.

Which is ...

Name the one person alive today, who had the most positive impact on your life.

I said it’s simple, not easy. You need to sort through decades of family, friends, co-workers, bosses, teachers, teammates, partners, rivals, professionals and non-professionals. It would be easier to short list 10 to 15 people and avoid leaving someone out, but editing it down to one brings the most value to you, your benefactor and to those who will extract learnings from your encounter.

It’s unlikely this person gave a TED Talk, founded a company, appeared on podcasts or collected millions of followers. Despite their lack of fame or notoriety, they did something incredibly important. They shaped another person’s life for the better.

So what if we play that out a bit.

What if that life-altering knowledge dispensed by a person most of us have never heard of was captured? What if that person was recognized and rewarded for their contribution years before their retirement or, worse yet, their funeral? What if their lesson was shared? What if that sharing encouraged others to recall their greatest influence? And what if it sparked a new school of thought and a podcast (yes, Episode #1 is live now) founded on the everyday wisdom of the world’s Great Unfamous.

Like I said, it’s an important question because it shines a revealing light.

I promise to answer the question myself, in fact, feel free to skip ahead to “My Great Unfamous”, but the following details how I got there and the four secrets it revealed along the way.

Secret #1: Gratitude Benefits You

I first became fascinated by this during the pandemic, an event that made it painfully clear how fragile our ignored mental health has become. Our isolation and separation exposed this weakness and sent us scrambling for tactics to maintain our mental well-being. This is what launched a search for some of the best reasons to be grateful.

Of all the tactics for improved mental well-being, science continues to support the health benefits of expressing gratitude. Studies have shown its positive effects on immune response, reduced anxiety and depression and improved mood. So if the exercise of being grateful for the positive things in my life is a general best practice, what better way to do it than to recognize the people who taught, who modeled, who guided and corrected, who encouraged me during transitional times in my life? There could be no better place to start, and for the least altruistic reason of all -- my own personal health.

It’s natural to appreciate the good fortune you have now, no matter how small. But if you consider all the people you’ve crossed paths with and ask which led to the most meaningful encounters, you start to peel back the cover on the main characters in your life. These people were essential influences during specific windows of time, but in the years that follow the reverberations of those relationships reveal an even greater impact. Showing gratitude for these people not only benefits you, but presents the opportunity to activate that gratitude for something even bigger.

Secret #2: Pay Respects That Create Value

How do we take the next step from naming that one person who shared their gifts to paying respect to them in a meaningful way? Unfortunately, the common vision that comes to mind when we talk of “paying respects” is the same thought that occurred as I passed through a nearby cemetery in Metuchen, N.J. There I watched a woman on her hands and knees leaning into a scrub brush on the headstone of a loved one. Beside her was a bucket of soapy water and piles of freshly pulled weeds and dirt.

It struck a chord.

Why do we wait? The people who helped shape our lives deserve more than a heart-felt eulogy and remember-when stories over drinks. As thoughtful as it is, they deserve more than the loving care of their stone marker.

So this question does more than help improve our personal well-being. It marks the greatest accomplishment a person can achieve. It celebrates that they made this place better for someone other than themselves. Recognition of that contribution is rarely seen by the Great Unfamous, yet it’s fertile ground to plant the seeds of something bigger.

Take a 2011 study of volunteers out of Georgia Southern University that suggests people who volunteer for altruistic or personal growth reasons do so because it …

a) creates a feeling of satisfaction

b) allows them to use their skills to help others

c) creates a relationship with the people they serve

If that’s why they do it, imagine the benefit of learning you created a life-altering impact on just one person. Imagine the satisfaction of being remembered by the person you helped, confirming that your special skills made a real difference. Imagine the encouragement to share your gift(s) with even more people. And imagine the inspiration it could create for others to recognize the Great Unfamous in their lives.

Just imagine.

It’s a chain of events that would make George Bailey proud because if more people understood the lives they touched, it could create a cycle of kindness, recognition and inspiration.

Secret #3: Unlock Everyday Wisdom Others Ignore

But let’s assume you’re not caught up in this ‘make the world a better place’ thing. This question also unlocks a unique strategic advantage. How many great pieces of advice, experiences, tactics, suggestions, perspectives, successes and failures are locked away in the Great Unfamous simply because they never rose to the level of being quoted, followed or interviewed?

It may sound like a plea for our aging population who certainly fit the mold, but so do many others who slip by unnoticed. What about the waitress whose kind words provide a lifeline to a regular battling depression? What about the teacher whose Legos convince a student to try one science class, or the Twitch streamer who helps a follower troubleshoot their own livestream. These unique caches of opportunity surface when people are generous enough to share their skills with recipients smart enough to take advantage.

This type of social learning, defined by Stanford’s Albert Bandura, centers on new patterns of behavior acquired through direct experience or by observing the behavior of others. So when we cross paths with someone who can both model and teach, it allows us to expand our experience more quickly and safely while customizing it to our current situation.

This personal counsel is a rare commodity that must be offered and accepted by the right person at the right time. It’s that perspective and timing that make this donation so valuable. And by using this question, we surface unseen experts and unlock a wealth of hidden guidance.

Secret #4: Create a Cycle of Kindness

If you’re like me, you believe the vast vast majority of people are good at heart. They may not be soup kitchen volunteers, but they do not wish ill to other human beings. They seek a life of happiness and generally prefer to see the same for others. That said, the incentive to spend your time and attention on efforts that benefit someone other than yourself requires reinforcement. Proof that our actions are meaningful is essential for us to continue. My favorite example is a study by Dan Ariely, professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics at Duke University, that used Legos to show how we react when our actions feel meaningless.

In this landmark research, Ariely assembled two groups of undergrads to construct Lego Bionicle figures. They were paid $2 for the first one, and a little less for each successive one. They could create as many as they wanted and were welcome to quit at any time.

Here’s the rub … the “Meaningful” group completed Bionicles one at a time and were given a new Lego kit to create the next one. As they progressed the figures accumulated on the table in front of them. But the “Sisyphus” group completed figures which were disassembled in front of them and put back in the box. Therefore they assembled and reassembled the same two figures over and over.

The Meaningful group averaged 10.6 Bionicles before quitting, while the Sisyphus group completed 7.2. The group that saw visual recognition of their labors participated longer, while the group that had visual proof it was pointless gave up 47% sooner.

It’s been a constant reminder to me about the importance of meaning in our work and personal lives. And it is why recognizing the Great Unfamous could create a cycle of gratitude, acknowledgment, sharing, and inspiration that adds value to your life and that of the person who changed it.

That’s why it’s worth answering this high-minded, touchy-feely, soul-searching BS question.

What’s Next?

If you’ve answered the question, the next challenge is to do something with it.

You’ve recalled the person without whom you would not be who you are today. They deserve to know it. Share this post with them, text them, call them, write them a letter if you must, but acknowledge the importance of their contribution to your life. The impact could be far greater than you imagine. This act alone is one of the most worthwhile efforts you can make this year to create a unique moment of joy for them and yourself.

If you share your greatest influence with me, I promise to review it privately and consider your submission for an upcoming episode of The Great Unfamous -- a podcast dedicated to everyday life lessons from people we overlook every day. It’s the opportunity to recognize and document their greatness while encouraging others to do the same. I will produce 10 episodes in 2022 and would welcome your help in surfacing noteworthy subjects.

My Great Unfamous

Now let’s close the loop on my promised answer to this question. As difficult as it was to narrow it down to a single name, for me one person stood out as a mentor who guided, listened and opened my eyes at a time when questions far outnumbered answers. Over the years, the impact of her words, teachings, modeling guided me in countless ways to better understand myself and the people around me.

But I will mention three other people who taught me lessons I still use today -- yes, I’m cheating but I’ll take an author’s liberty because they provide value and examples of the type of everyday wisdom around us. Mind you, none of these were epiphanies. They didn’t strike like lightning. The lessons revealed themselves in bits and pieces over time that in turn opened me to new ways of thinking, seeing and acting.

How to Act and Love

Jason Hoffman’s super power is positivity. As my trainer for more than 8 years he introduced me to people who impacted my life like Gary Vaynerchuk and taught me that winning starts when you show up. But for years I dismissed his “power of thought” chats as touchy-feely BS. Over time I started to see real-life examples that all actions begin as thought, and therefore the most important muscle you can build is a curious, positive, powerful mind.

Jason has shared so many great quotes that I can’t relay them all, but I’ll point to these two as the best summation of what he’s taught me about action and self-love.

As someone who can get lost in thought, Jason’s penchant for doing is the cold shower I need to snap to. “You are not what you say, you are what you do. You must do, because there’s magic in action.”

But even more notable is his resolute belief that self-love is the key to unlocking action. He shared one memorable example after a client told him “I’ll be happy after I lose 100 pounds.”

His reply has always stuck with me as a challenge to not wait.

“No girl, you love yourself now. What would the woman who’s 100 pounds lighter say, think, believe, feel, do? You do that now!”

Surrounding yourself with people you admire is one of the greatest life hacks anyone can offer. I won’t take credit for Jason’s teachings, but I have been smart enough to spend eight years with him and feel lucky to call him both Sensei and friend.

Take Control of Your Life

I admit that I complain. I strive not to and fail regularly, but I despise it. I don’t hate many things, but I hate complaining more than anything else because it concedes that someone or something is in control of your happiness. I refuse to believe that. It’s a lesson I learned from Dave Thompson.

See, Dave is my older brother who combines book and street smarts with an uncanny knack for relentless dedication. It could manifest as a sailboat built from plywood in his garage or any number of unique projects, but what has always resonated with me most was how he changed his life’s path in the blink of an eye.

What happened?

“I realized I hated arguing with people.” As an attorney and limited partner with a prominent Philadelphia law firm, that’s a problem. So what’s a lawyer who loves history and basketball to do when he discovers he hates lawyering?

In Dave’s case you simply quit, take a massive pay cut and substitute teach while you figure things out. Then you get certified as a middle school history teacher, coach the Voorhees Middle School girls basketball team to four league championships including a three-peat and retire after 18 years with your only regret being “I should have done it sooner.”

Damn, even as I write this, it still sounds impossible, which is deceptive because it’s not. But it does require self-awareness, confidence, sacrifice and a relentless dedication to finding your happiness. As I strive to develop these attributes, I regularly call on the ultimate role model and patron saint of anything’s possible.

Your Zen Is Your Opportunity

Andy will not qualify as unfamous much longer. He’s already incredibly well known and respected in marketing, social, blockchain and NFT circles, but I met him as Brand Director for legendary entrepreneur Gary Vaynerchuk in 2019. I could go on about Gary, but suffice it to say one of his greatest skills is the ability to attract amazing people, and there’s none greater than Andy Krainak.

Of the many things I learned from Andy, how to greet ups and downs as equally valuable sides of a two-headed coin was the most impactful. His creative optimism went well beyond “everything’s gonna be alright”. No, his Zen is better described as “everything is anything we make it.”

He showed me how a stubborn visionary can welcome any challenge … flip it, twist it, turn it like a Rubik’s cube until it morphs into the opportunity of the moment. Living in that moment he sees wins where others see roadblocks, not because he has the perfect answer, but because he’s always willing to take his shot.

Watching him do it over and over reminds me of that quote from “The Usual Suspects” that the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. Well, the greatest trick Krainak ever pulled was proving to the world he can work with whatever the Devil sends his way.

After New Years’ 2021 he shared a sobering yet poignant message on his Instagram, “2020 fucked up the game forever for real, but now alas, we have a new game. Time to start shooting.”

Classic Krainak. We all need more of this dude.

My Unexpected Trip to Holland

Although I’ve crossed paths with these and other amazing people, none left the lasting impact on my life quite like Alex Sullivan. She was a life preserver during a stormy time when I scraped and clawed for answers that only faith and time would reveal.

You see my wife and I were blessed with three incredible children Abby, Will and Jack. All unique beams of light who have illuminated our lives in breathtaking ways. But we met Alex in 2004 just after our 4-year-old son Will was diagnosed with autism. Now, I’ll spare you how incredible Will is, a junior in college studying sports journalism, but suffice it to say he turned out quite a bit better than just fine.

But back then, my wife Jen and I didn’t know that. That’s how life works.

All we knew was we somehow finagled our way into an experimental program called Bridges at Texas Children’s Hospital in Houston and were assigned to a fresh-faced newly hired occupational therapist named Alex as her first program family.

This is the part where I tell you Alex worked miracles and saved my son from this affliction called autism. She was the most talented, funny, creative, fearless, intuitive professional I’ve ever seen and her work was legendary. But she did not cure my son as I hoped and prayed she would. She did something more amazing.

The greatest luck I’ve had in life is not being granted my wishes, instead receiving just what I needed despite my knowledge to the contrary. That was Alex in a nutshell. When I would ask, “How can we teach Will not to be afraid of birthday parties?” Alex would patiently respond, “You can’t. You need to understand why he fears birthday parties.” When I shared my frustration about a blowup over car keys, she’d ask, “What’s unique about the car keys?”

At each turn I see now, she was guiding my son, but teaching me. Things like how to be a better father, how to not worry about what people think and how to crawl, run and chase while wearing a pirate costume. She taught me how uncomfortable growth is and that once you feel comfortable it’s time to grow again. She taught me that even though I did not end up where I thought I’d be, it only meant I would enjoy what few others get to see.

And then she shared an anecdote called, “Welcome to Holland”

Yeah it still makes me cry. Not because I mourn the loss of Italy, but because I’m so grateful I didn’t get what I thought I needed. It’s a lesson I learned from Alex. About two years after that in 2006 we got the chance to move back east to New Jersey to be closer to family. The problem was we had to leave Alex behind.

So as we all squeezed into a booth at Outback for a goodbye lunch with Alex, I paused to remember her greatest lesson. It was time to get uncomfortable again. It was time to grow. So I rescinded my wish to keep her in our family forever and acknowledged that our precious window of time had passed. We had new adventures ahead of us, as did Alex who shared that she was now pregnant with triplets.

So I fought back tears by thinking of all the families in the years ahead that would thank God Alex entered their lives to help them the way she helped us. Not by granting their wishes, but by teaching them to aim higher.

You can hear Alex’s full story in Episode 1 of “The Great Unfamous Podcast”, which debuts Feb. 1.