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It was July 2020, I was about to turn 30 and going through a traumatic breakup and separation. I was comforting myself with familiar TV shows like 30 Rock. In season 7, episode 12 (Hogwash), characters Grizz and Dotcom tell Tracy that they can do whatever he needs “unless it’s hating the new Taylor Swift album because that girl has feelings.” They were implying that they were deeply moved by her music and that admission, though fictional, shifted something for me.

Standing at the delicate intersection of pandemic isolation, a traumatic breakup, being a fan and follower of the Taylor Swift Sherpa, Dr. Melissa Fabello, and this line in 30 rock, I was just vulnerable enough to be captured by Swift’s release of Folklore. I became a Taylor Swift Stan.

I watched Miss Americana and related to her. She came off as a normal person, intelligent, hardworking, and I could see myself being actual friends with her. I liked her personality.

I followed up Miss Americana with listening to *Lover. *I was curious to see the final product of her work with Brendon Urie and her transition from the dark struggle with her reputation to saying fuck it, I am just going to make music again. Also I am in love.

I couldn’t quite go back further than Lover, because frankly, I don’t care that much for pop music and I found her earlier albums immature and unpalatable. I mean, I am in my thirties now and I don’t think it is a coincidence that I only started to like Taylor Swift as her music matured throughout her career.

Introduce, the release of *Red (Taylor’s Version), *originally released in 2012 when Taylor was 22 years old.

As I listen to “Red” for the first time, it is compelling to think of Swift revisiting this music as an older version of herself. She gets to return to and likely further process these old experiences. I am curious about what it was like for her to revisit these songs. Is she looking back on her self and cringing? Is she finding deep wounds that are ready to be soothed? Does she still feel deeply pulled and loyal to the loves that she lost the same way I still dream about most of my exes? Through this curiosity, I find the music more accessible.

The potential for nostalgia in the context of this release is contagious. By wondering about her experience I get to revisit parts of myself that would have felt deeply moved by these songs had I been humble enough to listen when the album first came out in 2012.

I also get to process some of the deeper emotions associated with the breakup that allowed me to be snared by the butterfly net of Swift’s music in the first place. This release, for a new Taylor Swift fan, is a steaming mug of sentimental medicine and a surprisingly effective therapy session all in one.

The album is going over some powerfully relatable feelings, even if they were written from a fairly naive perspective and voice. Her re-recording them as a woman my age, without any irony, is moving.

So here it is: like Grizz and Dotcom from 30 Rock, I too am deeply moved by Taylor Swift.

I am writing an actual short, timely essay on her music. For someone who wanted so badly to be “cool” as a teenager and mostly failed to hit the mark, who eschewed pop music in favor of Indie Folk, (which probably explains my attraction to folklore/evermore in the first place), I am surprising the pants off my self.

I am still a little sheepish when I admit I enjoy Taylor Swift and that some contemporary pop music has made it’s way into my Spotify daily mixes. This is likely because as far as I have come, I am still unravelling my relationship to simple pleasure and my adherence to not being seen as basic or like other girls, a narrative I see now as deeply patriarchal and promoting competition in women at a young age.

I burst into tears at my kitchen sink and gush about the new Red release with the woman next to me on the treadmill at the gym, I mostly feel proud.

Taylor Swift and her music has taught me to be less ashamed about what I find enjoyable, like relating to cliche pop songs.

I don’t have to wear my obscure interests like armor against confused teenaged girls or a badge of worth shining at potential love interests. I can just like what I like and still be a valuable person. By being more bold about my own pleasure and joy, without concern about how attractive, desirable, or admirable it makes me, I become less critical about seeing and supporting the pleasure and joy of other women.

Somewhere over the last 5 years, probably initiated on my first reading of Bell Hook’s Feminism is for Everybody, I have reached a point in my life where I don’t feel the need to “be cooler” than other girls anymore. The same desire to be seen as “cool” was the same energy that kept me from giving Taylor Swift a chance, and furthermore, from having deep relationships with women in general.

Now, I find it more fulfilling to support women than see them as competition and I like that I get to support Taylor Swift as she says* f**k the industry that I am part of that would let men take advantage of my work*. I also like that I get to applaud her for writing good music, even if it’s in a genre that I mostly stay away from.

Laying down my cool armor and opening my self to Taylor Swift has lead to me developing deep and meaningful relationships where I get to celebrate friends and cheer them on for their accomplishments and successes. It has also opened me to pleasurable experiences for pleasure’s sake like reading romance novels every night, painting flowers and eyes on my iPad while I watch Netflix sitcoms, and engaging in cliche seasonal activities like apple picking.

Today, as I get all emotional listening to Taylor Swift’s new release of *Red (Taylor’s Version), *I mostly want to say Thank You to her: for being unapologetically herself, for writing accessible music that is cathartic, and for staying emboldened on her extraordinary career path.

You have helped me see that even simple pleasures can open me up to the deep complexity of the human experience. You have made me a better woman, a better friend, and all around less insecure and ashamed about the things that bring me unadulterated and simple joy.