Raise your hand, paw, or tail if you’ve ever dealt with parental depression.

Good.

Now, raise your hand if you’re still going through that depression. It’s okay to be honest.

Today felt impossible to handle, but I handled it. Well, I didn’t handle it on my own. In fact, my kids and husband helped in their own ways.

Woke up to depression…

I didn’t start my day sad and gloomy. Honestly, I made myself get out of bed; I did some early morning journaling, and then hid in the bathroom for an hour. That Taco Bell didn’t sit with me well, and I was paying the price for it.

Once I left the restroom, I started doing my usual Sunday morning run and started getting the kids ready. My husband randomly sprang into action, and hid in the bathroom for about 30 to 45 minutes.

The kids kept telling me they needed to pee and brush their teeth so they can wake up better. Man, oh man, teaching your kids to wait is a handful! However, we got it done.

Countdown ‘til the meltdown…

After making them breakfast, I slowly paced myself to work. I wasn’t excited or angry. Alicia Keys was singing my heart aloud as I pondered and sorted through these memories I was trying to get rid of.

He’s loving someone else. He’s not really going through depression. He’s—

QUIET!

Sorry, I had to tell my thoughts to be quiet. It’s so hard to simply think for yourself, letting the past go so you don’t have to deal with it anymore. Suddenly, the very idea struck me across the face and heart.

What if I’m in and out of love with the old version of himself? Seriously, when we started out was a massive rollercoaster. I didn’t get the chance to say what I’ve always wanted to say back then. GOD I’M MAD! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!

My brain went to war with itself. It clashed most of my memories together in one foolish swoop. What pulled me out of such chaos was the light “ding” from the dialer system at work.

By then, I’d already heard my husband lightly vent to someone else, questioning my actions, and then randomly laughing at a possible odd joke to keep a smile on his face.

Good. I am glad that he’s trying to feel better. Just remember, focus on your dollars collected. Today’s the end of the road for you, and the billing cycle ends Tuesday. Just focus on your headspace and don’t let anyone smell your emotions.

Ah ha, too late.

The next call I took was a live person, and after doing my introduction, I froze. My face caved in and a gentle “what’s wrong” triggered the water works.

This was the second time I took a live call, and I couldn’t hold back these feelings. The last time this happened, I was trying to cope with a specific argument between my husband and me, and I woke up that morning wanting to die.

After flying through several calls, there was one that stopped and told me that everything will be alright. His voice was comforting and caring. It was unusual and made it uncomfortable to hold back those emotions.

Well, I expressed them lightly. He was kind enough to listen to me for at least 2 minutes before I had to focus on the call. I appreciate that guy’s kindness. The other guy (and his wife was in the background) from today also deserves lots of blessings their way.

He didn’t have to stop the call the way he did.

He didn’t have to help.

I hope he and his wife’s journey changes for the absolute better and their beloved child’s safely back home from the NICU.

Damn, I cried on a live call. This looks bad for sure! I have to go, seriously, I need to clock out. I don’t want to get fired, but I can’t do this and still maintain a professional presence.

Let the husband and children work their magic…

After I sent the message to my manager about my situation on the phone, I felt bad about my actions. Part of me wants to clock back in and to finish out the shift. However, I can’t. Not with this mindset. I think I’m going to cry and slip back through again.

Hanging my head low, I communicated to her about what’s going on. “Look,” I began, “I think I need to leave. I apologize. It wouldn’t be wise to still feel and sound this way on a live call, especially since this is a business. Thank you for understanding.”

My manager understood where I was coming from. She did the best she could, and I had to let her know that I couldn’t do that to the company. It wouldn’t look right having that ONE agent that cries while taking live calls.

You do know you’re going to deal with an unexcused absence AND a possible shift of abandonment? Plus, y’all don’t have OT hours for the month, so tomorrow and Tuesday are toasted.

Ah, there goes my mind again, doing its thing.

After confirming my professional exit, I shutdown the computer and sat in the chair for a while. My husband did the best he could to help me and listen.

“It’s not YOU.”

His eyebrows did this weird curved thing before trying to comprehend what I was trying to say.

I started up again, hoping he understood where I was coming from without over-explaining myself. “It’s not YOU that I’m trying to forgive and let go of. The OLD YOU and the memories attached to it are still there, and I don’t know how to forgive and let go. I’m just now realizing I’m still stuck back there because I’m having issues forgiving what has happened when we first started dating.”

“I’m confused. That doesn’t make sense. Isn’t that still me?”

Mentally, I did a deep sigh. I can tell he hasn’t been in my shoes with this. Then again, I can’t expect him to understand differently. He is his own person. At least he is trying to understand where I’m coming from.

“Not really, because you’re progressing, as you should. The mental moment you had last week or two ago made me seriously reflect on the approach I’ve been doing to help you alleviate the problems as they happen.”

“Okay, so what does that have to do with the old me and the new me? Wait, I’m confused…”

UGH! Never explain your emotional lingo aloud. It is best to do it in writing and allow the person to use their context clues. No, wait, what the hell am I saying?! I need to try this again.

He and I talked until I comprehending some of what was going with us and how I express my thoughts and emotions. It wasn’t pretty, but he finally understood what I was trying to do with myself.

My husband had to leave for work, and I crawled into bed and cried. I cried and cried until our kids saw I was in the dark wrapped in three blankets.

“Hawri,” exclaimed the youngest, “it’s okay Hawri, we’re still your friends.”

The second and third eldest kiddos came through and gave me light hugs before squeezing themselves under my blankets next to me.

The youngest passed me my phone, said “here you go, Hawri”, and reminded me to use it. The second eldest gave me a very light hug and rested her delicate head on my shoulder while I laid sideways. Our son waited five minutes before hopping out of our best and running to the bathroom.

Don’t worry, he gave me a gentle kiss on the forehead and a dap (fist bump) with a mini explosion sound effect.

Our eldest daughter came in and gave me one of my signature hugs. She kissed my forehead the same way I do for them when it was time for bed or if they’re needing comfort.

I have friends…I really have friends. They’re not perfect, but they’re a perfect fit.

I continued to cry until things felt right. Afterwards, all four helped me out of the bed and push through some of my chores.

Quick advice for parents…

Look, I’m not the best parent. It is a blessing that my husband and these kids are here to help me work through some things.

When you’re alone, it is okay to cry and go through these waves. This journey’s not the best of the best, but it is one heck of a ride. Please, I don’t know how to put this in words, but hang tight. Don’t sway back and forth in your deserted mind. C’mere and let’s walk into the light together—as strong and loving people with a crazy sense of direction.

Heh, not even GPS or Alexia can save our hindquarters!!!

Happy journaling and blogging y’all. I’ll come back again soon. :)

Author’s Note:

Hey, before you go, don’t forget to check out my ebook, Stories From A Broken Cage. There are several flash short fiction stories. Plus, I’m really excited to show off Keon Laikin, a fictional character I birthed in an interesting action sci-fi flash story. Man, you’ll love his energy as much as I love it!