In 2019, my husband introduced me to Mobile Legends: Bang Bang. I wasn’t a solid gamer. The most gaming I’ve done was Adventure Quest (AQ), Adventure Quest Worlds (AQW), Maple Story, and GaiaOnline.

He and I played together off and on. Sometimes I would wait for him to go to work before starting a match. Other times we would sit down and play together until our win streak was ruined. By 2022, our worlds were turned upside down when we found out our son passed away.

Belerick the Emerald Guardian and Comforter

One day, my husband had to go to the bathroom. He was in a middle of his match on Mobile. I noticed he wasn’t playing his usual marksman (MM) character, Layla.

He asked me to play this tank character for him. My husband’s a true gamer, and he was extremely hesitant with me playing a match for him, let alone holding his iPhone. I nodded and reassured him.

Playing Belerick was the best 5 minutes of my life ever!

When my husband came back from the bathroom, he immediately checked his stats. I told him over and over, like a bouncing toddler having a sugar rush, that I loved that character. My husband scoffed and cocked a side smile.

Now, this man is peaceful and simple. The beginning of our relationship wasn’t 1,000% on point. Him doing that got on my nerves. However, because of him and the sample test run while playing Belerick inspired me to buy this character and practice my little heart out.

Why This Tank Instead of the Other Ones?

Belerick is a gentle giant. His passive is impressive and very dynamic when you continue to hit him. Yes, I said it—dynamic! See, his passive reflects damage in the direction of the attacker. He’s known as the “Marksman Killer”. If he has the right skin, the late game gameplay becomes extra sparkly and high action.

I chose Belerick as my comforter and main tank role because of his regeneration abilities, tankiness, and magic damage. This is my go-to tank because of the crazy crowd control with the right magical items. Plus, it’s fun having a 1v1 or a 1v3 against another regen tank, fighter-tank, or tank-mage with lots of defense and HP.

Playing Mobile While Going Through Pregnancy Loss

As I mentioned earlier, my husband and I lost our son Ivory on October 19th, 2022. I was alone in the hospital room in active labor. I called for help several times, but nobody came. My husband stepped away for 3 minutes before I begged for him to come back.

By the time he came back, we exchanged silence glances. Out of respect, my husband turned his back and told me to be careful. I didn’t say anything. The only mantra I kept repeating under my breath, echoing throughout the delivery room, was:

“I am a tank mother. My passive will protect me. I will gank as hard as possible in order to win and bring this baby here.”

I Saw a Reflection of Myself in Belerick

As a tank, you can’t be a squishy player. A squishy player is someone who’s easy to kill in the game, like a support character and marksman. The more defense you have, the harder it is for you to harm that character.

…unless it’s true damage…

Hours of playing Mobile Legends: Bang Bang as Belerick shaped my perspective and how I viewed myself. Every day, while my husband was going through his demons, I saw myself as Belerick. I believed I was a gentle giant with a killer passive.

I didn’t want anyone close to me as I bore life into this world…even if the life wasn’t actually alive anymore.

My Gameplay Reflected my Psychological and Grief Patterns in Real Life

If you’re unaware of how MOBA (multiplayer online battle arena) games work, then don’t worry. These games are a 5v5 player game. You and four other plays go up another team of five. In Mobile Legends, the team who crashes the other teams’ base wins.

Simple.

It gets complicated when your team cannot work together. Because I play roam roles, I have to watch the map and protect the squishy heroes at all costs. Sometimes, being a tank player means your team are willing to sacrifice you at any point in the game just to get their kills, assists, gold, or tower.

I felt used, so I started using my teammates. In real life, I felt used. I responded to this through isolation and closing myself off from my husband and mom.

Some of my matches were heavy duty, power packed, straight A-class tanking. I didn’t let any player get in my way. My character was killed throughout the game, but the late game was where I shone the most. Player after player would try and kill me off, but my regeneration abilities and magical passive kept them from increasing my death count.

In real life, I packed so much armor and made sure I was prepared for anything. It took a while to notice how overly prepared I was. However, when those tough times hit, I tanked through them like I was Belerick, and didn’t let anyone’s ultimate move or true damage kill me off.

“I’m a tank mother. Nothing will stop me. Nobody will get in my damn way to stop me.”

My Support Crew: Angela, Estes, and Gloo

After hitting Legend, I realized I couldn’t keep playing Belerick. There were nervous marksman and assassin players who banned him instantly. Hell, even my teammates half assed apologized after banning him.

Since Belerick was my main, I had to figure out who would be my back up main. I started playing several Epic and Legend ranked matches with different roam characters. I didn’t want to give up the roam roles, but I had to find better roaming characters that matched my evolving play style.

I discovered Gloo and Angela by accident while playing random characters with my husband. Some nights I practiced hard, other nights I purposely went AFK just to see how to use them. After pushing rank, I started getting better with Gloo and Angela.

Why Did I Picked Gloo (tank), Angela (support), and Estes (support)?

Just like with Belerick, I fell in love with the crazy stun and regen abilities from Estes, Angela, and Gloo. I felt more valuable and needed throughout the game when my health and mana bars are full, and players ask me to heal them. Plus, I can tank my two support characters if I need to. Of course, Gloo’s a tank, so he will always be my back up tank if my Belerick is banned or taken by the other team.

Playing Tank and Support Roles Reflect Who I Am as a Person

It took some time to realize this. When I play tank and support roles, I notice this is who I am in real life. Let me explain.

See, when we first started gaming, my husband said something to me. I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me directly or if he was thinking aloud. However, it caught my attention, and still has it many years later.

Sometimes how you play the game reflects who you are as a person.

At first, I thought he was crazy. Who would think this deep about a cheesy mobile game? If we took this advice with every game we played, will I finally have the answers behind my random spending habit bursts before I sit on my money like a cute little hermit?

Don’t answer that please.

Anyway, I continued to play Mobile Legends: Bang Bang and occasionally Arena of Valor. On Mobile, I was pushing mostly tank roles and support roles with magic abilities. I could always get the healing circle thingy so I don’t have to watch my team die. Certain equipment I get and how I use it with my playing style helps others get kills and stay alive longer.

I Saw Myself Living Longer

In 2022, I dropped the name GhostGrrl, and picked up a new title—xREGENxQUEENx. Most of these teams are always trying to kill me off but can’t. Aside from my playing style, it would be my regen abilities and timing.

I Believed I Was Indestructible

Regardless of the equipment people would get, with Belerick’s passive and strong regen and tanking abilities, I felt indestructible. Even when players would use true damage to kill me off, they can’t. My health would be over 10,000, and with my cursed helmet and demon boots, I’m on the field and barely going back to base.

In real life, that feeling was taken away from me. Aside from the stillbirth, I also went through domestic violence, a miscarriage of twins, and rape. Each of those negative life changing moments took a piece of me away. I hated who I was, and I damn sure hated the world that created cruel men and women.

The stillbirth slowly brought that feeling back. I felt indestructible each time I delivered all of my kids. Even with Ivory, I felt indestructible. I had to go watch a YouTube video to learn how to birth a baby on my side since I didn’t have a nurse to help me when I asked for one. Hell, our son was fragile like a water balloon, and I was strong enough to birth him without our baby falling apart.

Fun, but disturbing, fact: Flesh will decay inside and outside of the body. This was the first time I saw our son’s flesh after being deceased for nearly two months inside of the womb. His arms were ripping apart, so if I pushed like I was birthing a normal baby, pieces of him will be inside of me (and the cyst that killed him).

I Played the Strong Role Everyone Needed and Didn’t Like Playing

Everyone loves being the top tier marksman, assassin, mage, fighter, and jungler. Some nervous folks would tough out the support role. However, nobody wants to be a tank. Everyone feels playing a tank is a yucky role, or that nobody’s willing to learn how to play a tank.

When I started tanking, I felt free. I could be defensive as much as I want to. I can absorb so much power and use it against others. Hell, if I felt very angry, I can go killer mode, and better my KDA score by .5 to 1 point if I need to.

Playing tank roles showed me that I can finally protect myself and others. I felt like a guardian with crazy power and strength. At home, I would mentally pretend I’m Sakura and Lady Tsunade (minus the lovely huge boobs) with the strength and intimidation.

Why?

Because I’m tired of not being taken seriously, and I believe I’m strong, if not stronger, than those around me. I want to tap into that Godly strength when it is time and become a combination of Sakura and Belerick when I need to protect my loved ones, especially the children.

Final Thoughts?

I know this is just a game. What happens in a game cannot happen in real life. However, I would love to do this in real life if it was possible.

I understand who I am now. After writing this, I’m realizing that the tank and support roles fit me best. True, playing MM roles are fine, but I feel too squishy and vulnerable. Mage roles are okay too, but I always find myself rushing in headfirst as a tank, even if I’m not playing one.

If you take time to observe yourself and really break down your habits, you will learn who you are. This observation took years. I’m still learning myself, actually. It’s totally worth it because you finally get to see who you are as a person, and learn how to make certain mental and psychological adjustments in your personal life so you can have better happy days.

Well, for me, it’s more of open communication and allowing myself to be vulnerable outside of my writing.

Anyway, I’ll catch y’all later. OH! And keep an eye out for another tank I’m learning. I’ll give you a hint:

It’s a dinosaur and I’m pushing roam with this one—no jungle or exp lane. ;)