Welcome to (anon), a lurching, drunken lunge at fame and fortune by a conniving sad, disfigured ginger has-been.

MangoDAOn Bad

My fingers have been quivering with the urge to write this saga since I first got a fetid whiff of it. Few things have brought me as much sadistic pleasure as watching the sad tale of Mango DAO unfold...

Do I take pleasure in thinking about everyday users falling prey to an exploiter? No.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t get my jollies off seeing $100 million USD worth of crypto stolen via a simple exploit—only to have the exploiter turn around and start “negotiating” via official DAO proposals.

Not sure what’s going on? Fret not my faithful 6 subscribers, a good shepherd always keeps his flock well informed…

Come with me now to the distant time of Tuesday (Oct 11th, 2022).

Mango Markets (run by Mango DAO), was hacked for around $100 million USD. The Solana DeFi protocol quickly took to Twitter to try and get ahead of the ensuing shitstorm.

Unfortunately for Mango DAO, the person who exploited the protocol ended up being a troll of epic proportions.

That’s right, after stealing ONE HUNDRED MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS worth of cryptocurrency from the protocol, the exploiter submitted a proposal to the DAO.

The exploiter proposed to return the user funds that were stored in the protocol IF the DAO agreed to pay him for finding the bug he used to steal the funds, and not pursue legal action against him.

How much does he want for his virtuous deed? A humble $40-70 million USD. Yes, this is Thievery as a Service. The negotiations for this TaaS are still happening in the Mango DAO governance forum.

(At this point in the Mango DAO saga, I’m all in. This is the spiciest story I’ve gotten my hands on in years, I’m sweating in anticipation of how it’ll all end. It’s gross, and I am ashamed of myself.)

The best part of this whole thing is that they figured out who the exploiter is.

Not only did they doxx his identity, but the purported malfeasor is also supposedly a known exploiter who’s allegedly committed similar heists in the past.

Yet, the DAO continues to negotiate with this goniff? Why?

Because HE MIGHT NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING ILLEGAL.

Because this exploit might fall under the category of “Computer Fraud” instead of “Securities Fraud”, there isn’t precedent for prosecuting someone for this kind of exploitation.

I fucking love this industry.

Bored & Endangered Apes

I don’t have anything against the Bored Ape Yacht Club—more than the next poor, monkey-less bastard, I swear…

I’m just a contrarian at heart. When I see a bunch of people saying “This thing is good we like this thing,” I immediately assume the worst. I reflexively assume that the fans are idiots and they’ve been manipulated into thinking it's good. That goes double for multimillion-dollar chimp jpegs.

Still, I took no joy in seeing the news this week that the SEC is investigating the Bored Ape Yacht Club for issuing unregistered securities. Regardless of how anyone feels about Apes, this isn’t something that any NFT fans should be happy about.

It’s an interesting move in our everlasting dance with Zaddy Gensler. It feels a little... desperate?

There are thousands of collections that have left their holders feeling robbed, but Bored Ape Yacht Club isn’t one of them. I understand wanting to “protect the American people,” but if that’s the goal then shouldn’t the targets of these kinds of cases be—going out on a limb here— bad actors?

A Horse of a Different Color

I’d like to start this segment by letting my faithful flock know that the following rumor is not true. But it has been debunked and is an amusing case of mistaken identity, and the public has a right to know. I have a fiduciary responsibility to keep my readers informed, and I refuse to let them miss this alpha…

Sushiswap got a lot of bad attention this week after it hired a new CEO who was irresponsibly accused of, erm, having fingered a horse.

I uhh, well. There’s not really much to add to this. I do not command the amount of wit necessary to make rumors of a grown man fingering a horse any funnier than they already are.

But there we are. The accusations actually prompted the CEO to issue a statement in which he pointed out that there is indeed a porn star with the same name as him. Which is awesome. I am considering changing my name to Ron Jeremy. Or Anon Jeremy!

The CEO said that though he has no clue where the horse-defiling rumors came from, he suspects they refer to the porn star with his name.

Hopefully, the CEO can saddle up and buck the horse shit brought into Sushi’s stable. (Jesus. I hate myself for that and apologize, but it has been a loooong fucking week, my loves.)

Thanks for reading (anon), whose every dismal edition drives my ailing mother closer to the grave.