I built a new keyboard, so am very excited to write :) Still note that the content below focuses on topics related to MtF transition. This is opinion based on personal research and collecting anecdotes…
Outline:
AGP as a demonized condition, perhaps unrightfully and out of fear of invalidation
Personal experience with gender dysphoria and introspection. Reflections on journey so far, potentially helpful insights
How to reframe and proceed, how those within the trans space can face fears of invalidation and achieve their best selves
Autogynephilia (AGP) is demonized by transgender activists because it seems to reduce the desire for a male to become a woman to some form of a feminization fetish. There is more nuance to it, but I want to present a case for AGP being a great foundation for why one might decide to transition, and to detach it from the connotation it's usually assigned (at birth? lol). What can be the motivations for a acting out AGP desires in the first place? Sexual satisfaction, sure, but also comfort, release from pressure/responsibility/need to make decisions levied by being seen as male, or distraction from pain or overwhelming stimulation. Such desires can manifest in seemingly non-sexual behaviors considered typically feminine like shaving body hair, makeup, and nail painting.
Furthermore, there is reason to believe that regardless of what "true trans" means, that men with AGP have unique brain characteristics, considered less in line with that seen in cis women than that observed in Homosexual Transsexuals (HSTS), and more so a unique profile unto itself [1]. The terf-ier of us may interpret this to mean that those who present as trans women, while being motivated by AGP, are invalid and should admit to being perverted men (this is true more than we'd like to admit, in my opinion, whether it's acted upon or not). However, I'd like to suggest we finally admit that many, if not all trans women are motivated by some AGP facet, as evidenced by the mimicry commonly observed of what they see as typically feminine. We can use that shared agreement as a foundation to address AGP with better patient outcomes. This may or may not include hormonal transition, and with enough public support, a standard for psychological testing for motivations to transition can be developed and widely implemented. I say this because it seems to me that there are cases where transition motivated by AGP seems to result in a long-term improvement in quality of life, at least towards a decade after starting HRT. However, I'm doubtful that public support for deciphering such nuance and altering treatment paradigms will exist in the near future...
My experience with the concept of AGP started with dismissing it. I was a redditor freshly aware of the fact that I not only was an egg, but could be cracked, UwU. By that I mean, heavily trans-activist-informed rhetoric was my first picture of the who, what, and why of finding oneself to be trans. I realized that putting on a short dress, tights, hip pads, fake boobs, makeup, and a wig turned me on and was the fuel of sexual fantasy, where I was the woman during sex and (of course) the faceless man was penetrating me (classic AGP if you've read on pseudo-bisexuality). I'd been questioning whether I was gay before I ever considered being trans, so the jury is still out on how "pseudo" my potential bisexuality really is. Regardless, I could be sure a non-negligible portion of my motivation to feminize myself was for the sexual thrill of it. Confusingly, I'm close to asexual otherwise, and while I have sex with women fairly often (i.e. just trying to give the context that I don't think I'm an incel), it's not of lustful desire, it's more of a "well it feels pretty good and my friend will enjoy it, it'll be a good bonding activity" variety. I tend to desire sex much less often than anyone I've been with, and predictably that doesn't bode well for the relationship continuing, especially when being expected to initiate most of the time. Again, who knows how generalizable this is, it's just been my experience.
When initially trying to make sense of the sexual motivation for feminizing myself, and even through the first few weeks of taking feminizing HRT myself, I followed the crowd of incredulous redditors commenting "AGP has been debunked, this is just normal female sexuality", but, the skeptical scientist I am, I eventually decided the best way to feel secure in my identity was to deeply understand the ideas that challenged my validity the most. Queue reading Men Trapped in Men's Bodies, listening to every Benjamin Boyce gender-related interview, then watching every video posted by several interesting guests. While my testosterone (read: libido) was suppressed, and therefore, so was a sizeable portion of my desire to transition. This exposure led me to come across several interesting-to-me perspectives on gender and transition, so I'd like to highlight those in a future post more. Generally, my "off the top of my head" summary on the material I consumed was that:
There is a silenced minority of detransitioners who were harmed by the current affirmative treatment model for medical transition,
A handful of pathologies can cause gender dysphoria. Addressing the dysphoria with transition will not address the initial cause, and therefore transition should not be considered until the initial cause is addressed,
There are those who have transitioned and don't regret it after many years, but do advocate for a re-tightening of gatekeeping, based on their observation of how treatment paradigms changed since they started transition
Spaces historically segregated by sex are now being segregated by self-proclaimed gender identity. This has implications, the severity of which can't be agreed upon. However, it does motivate a discussion of the ethics of segregated space used based on self-identification, and an ongoing effort to find the most ethical way to navigate this issue (ideally free of political agendas, though I doubt that's possible with things like bathrooms), and
Related to (4), there is an imposing masculine-feminine power dynamic that sometimes exists between AGPs and cis women, or, it always exists, and some are better at obfuscating it than others. Maybe it's because many AGPs still have their penises, and that itself is imposing in a typically sex-segregated, women's only space.
With a suppressed libido and a mind packed with a plethora of perspectives on gender identity and medical transition, I felt the belief of being "a woman trapped in a man's body" fall apart completely. I am a male, who wants to be a woman, can do my best to mimic a cis woman, to the point where I may be able to interact in society as a woman, but this distinction would likely always leave me feeling separate, a transwoman. In addition to that, catching up on decades of socialization, social hierarchies, and etiquette that would need to be integrated by force, along with the difficulties of voice training, HRT and its health challenges and risks, and policing my gender presentation to make sure I can convince others of my femininity, is a tall order for anything but debilitating dysphoria. This all set in all at once and my desire to continue with HRT evaporated. Right now, AGP feels all too real, and has placed my identity foundation once again in flux. It's hard to transition to a moving target like that, hence the cease fire of estrogen.
If I can rationalize the identity I'm moving toward and gain confidence I'll benefit from the tradeoffs I'm making, maybe I'll start HRT again, but in the meantime, I'll try to find peace in the journey towards the next stable concept of self, while improving on other aspects of my identity. Can I be more generous to my friends, can I be more altruistic in general, can I develop ideas that will be of use to the world? There is just so much else, from which fixating on gender detracts. For example, I develop software. When I'm in the zone, working on a fun idea, I'm not a body. I'm just a mind realizing an idea on the screen, and that is, for that short time, the entire focus of my reality (no dysphoria, or gender-policing the self).
In general, based on my journey and seeing many within trans communities online shy away from potentially invalidating ideas, I think the most value is gained not from staying within your echo chamber subreddits, but from exposing yourself to challenging ideas and seeing what remains after the test. Afraid you're AGP? Don't deny it's existence. Read the papers and see what info is contained within them that can help you improve your life. Don't worry that the word paraphilia is contained in the text - this term is not derogatory on its own, and if it applies to you, it's best to recognize it, and proceed accordingly.
Challenge your concept of self more than the outside world could ever (i.e. people who disagree with you from r/detrans ;) ) with an open mind to the reality that whatever remains after these trials will be like the sculpture left behind from a giant block of marble. You are Michelangelo (Michelangela??).
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