no caveats.

(there will always be a need to explain. but it’s like a retaining wall for creative license.)

The Habit of Producing > Instant success

--

Here I am frozen in time.

…or,

so it feels. So little to show for all the time that has passed.

The fence was swinging open,I called out..

no one answered… I ran out in my socks to close it.

It’s been like this for how long?
exposed in that way makes me feel very unsafe, or if anything it reveals to me how unsafe I feel in my current circumstance; which,for all my aspirations I have done very little to change.

I used to be different… at least that how I saw myself.

Now.. I look upon everything with a degree of derision, especially myself.

For most of my life it’s seemed like a pattern of plays out.

Excitement - Tenderness - Comfort - Betrayal - Terror - Withdrawal
(Optimism often will creep in sporadically throughout the process)

at this point I can’t objectively determine whether I’m creating these circumstance,
or just responding.

There’s been a lot of trauma.

But I persist, and at my core, I am… Optimistic.

For the most part I really just want security.

I crave purpose and belonging.

I wish I had friends.That I could count on and feel safe with.

--

Again, I’m running.

Is this how I want to portray myself to the outside world?

No.

well sort of… I’d like to be known for my honesty and persistence of character.

🤷‍♂️

…lately I’ve found the words for my experience, & I’ve learned that I’m ok the way I am.

What way am I?

I’m an atypical thinker and there are at least a couple diagnosis that would seem to apply.

For now I just accept that and look for ways to deal with my behaviors.

Some of the Biggies are intense emotions, wide arrays of freely associating thoughts, the ability to hyper-focus (or be completely lost in thought).

I also have a tic disorder.

Just being in public is difficult and leads to a serious aversion to going out.

Certain life experiences have even made it so I feel unsafe even in my yard,so I’m often reluctant to go out there.. even now It’s warm,I feel compelled to work in the garden.. but fear holds me fast to this chair..and I feel like I have something to say, even though this isn’t exactly it.

but… I’m working up to the habit of consistent production.

I’ve been taking the steps to make it easier…

some are:

**Keep The Path Clear:
**

**

Maintain Reasonable Expectations:

you can’t do everything all at once, nor will it ever be perfect

A little of this; A little of that:

precisely

Silence is powerful:

this.

Stick It out:**

**HAVE FUN!

**