/// Author & Artist’s note: The above artwork is from an original piece of the same name and is available to collect via KnownOrigin. The below is a lyrical essay from my upcoming book, “Love Letters to Melancholy (And Other Things I Found in the Desert).” The book is being self-published using funds from my NFT project, Desert Minis, a collection of diaristic painting and poetry pieces chronicling my life in the desert of Joshua Tree, California.

The title and poetry couplet of each Desert Mini will be in the text of the printed book; in this way, the writing process for my book has been made permanent on the blockchain. Each mini acts like a time stamp of the book’s evolution, piece by piece, couplet by couplet, the book is minted, written, and eventually - finished. The first mini was minted on May 18, 2021, making this one of the first writing projects native to the NFT space.

Below is the first complete essay I have minted to the blockchain and funds will be used to complete the publishing of the book. This is all an experiment in new media; with the project, I aim to challenge both the traditional art and traditional publishing worlds and blend the line between writing and art, technology and the physical. ///

“How is Your Heart?”

I was told this is better than asking someone “how are you?” because it is more “real.” If you ask this, however, you must be prepared for the answer - you could really be in for something. Suit yourself, though. If you must know, I give you:

The Recent States of My Heart

1. Imagine my physical heart was being stretched by multiple hands, similar to how one stretches plastic wrap over a bowl. That is how it feels (if we are being real). There is constant tension, pulled from all directions, it is being pulled taut to the point of feeling like it will break but I know it won’t, you bastard, since breaking would of course offer too much respite. It’s like that same tension is being applied to my face and my whole body, a slow uncomfortable, dull, tautness that will not destroy me - I wish it would - but instead seems to be the type of discomfort that will continue forever at a low level; the type that you want to end with a spear to the heart because at least all the pain, which you know is inevitable, will be concentrated into one point at one moment so you might as well focus it into something that is definitively real, instead of this taut pulling, so slow you question if it is there at all.

   I bet you wish you didn’t ask how my heart was.

2. It seems to be beating really fast and I am constantly wondering if I have COVID-19, after two years of this bullshit??

3. For all the woo woo things I have integrated into my life, meditation is a relatively recent one. I just began to get it - like actually get it - and it all came through these heart opener meditations and holy shit, let me tell you, that really opens how to how your heart feels! For example,

   TENSE: I did a half-day of meditation and around hour 3.75 BAM! I broke a layer and oh, my god, I saw and felt all the tension in and around my heart. I had been hiding it from myself and pretending I was ok, but wow, it is tense! It took me almost 32 years of life and 4h of meditation to find that. My heart is so tense.

   SAD: fast-forward, now that I can do this heart opener thing, all I have to do is a ~20m meditation to feel the deep sadness around my heart from his departure. She does not feel free, quite the opposite. I sort of wish I could still kid myself, but I can no longer pretend she is ok. My heart feels sad.

4. I know this is going to sound crazy but my heart literally feels like it’s on molly and no I am not on molly, I know, ironically enough. I feel this walking outside with the sun on my face hearing the leaves in the trees whistle in the wind. It feels as if the whole world is singing to me. I watch the trees and they twinkle and I have never seen anything more beautiful. When you are quiet all of nature sings to you, as does the sky, as does the desert, as does all of existence when you are just being. If you can let go of the noise inside your head you will find that the universe is singing. And that makes my heart feel fucking fantastic. Also flowers, don’t even get me started on flowers.

5. My heart feels like it’s crying.

Those are the recent states of my heart so now, if you’d rather ask me how I am, my answer is: I am ok.