If u c me tmrw. That’s not me under the costume. I am the costume. She’s wearing me. Stay the fuck away. She will drain ur wallet n kill u.
It’s not easy for hoomans to understand wassie so I will try to not talk too smol when I tell the tale of why I’m a teddybear.

     Half a lifetime ago, o sea, last week, I went to see my cousins down at Pussy n Claw. It used to be the main hotel in goblin town, then it was the only hotel. Now the lobby has been cleaned out for a catwalk and a pole. The place is always packed with lil shids simping for tubby cats in the dim light. They don’t have any moni of course but WiFi is free and there are plasma screens above the bar and in the back rooms flipping between tweets, BTC.D charts, altcoin charts, memes mixed with wassie and cat hentai, all those important building blocks of the webaverse.

     It was easy to spot them because Bull-Goku was wearing his orange super saiyan gi and not because it soon was Wassoween. He thought because he was a bull and towered 2 inches above me and Raf he was invincible.
“+1%! LFG! We don’t need no s/l!” Goku shouted when he saw me. He was a rekt permabull. Raf punched me on the arm with a flapper; “U not rekt cuz, y u back?”
Raf was leverage rekt. He had taken his nickname from Turtles, and dressed as his counterpart, took great pride in his ability to be able to high kick anyone in the crotch. He wasn’t dressed for Wassoween either, they just peacocked like that.
“Opportunities dried up after bulls got fucked”, I said “Figured I’d cum back n find a cheap fridge.”
“We sharing a pint,” Raf punched me again for no reason, “it’s all we could afford since President hooman Pootin invaded Cranium n made moni printr stop goin brrr.”
”Np cuz, I got u.”

     “No,” said the cat with the giant rack behind the bar when I went between cat acts on stage to get a round. “We don’t serve that here, drink cat piss or gtfo.”
She pissed in three glasses and put them on the counter. I took she wasn’t being unfriendlt as much giving me a challenge. They smelled like watermelon and vanilla.
”U got the balls?”
Wtf, I bought another round of pussy cat urine for the boyz. I sipped my cat piss and it was the most delicious thing I ever drank. Then I gurgled it down so fast my throat hurt like it was jammed with green dildo blessings.
”Gib me 3 moar plz”
”I’m out but we got on tap.”
Right as I came back to the table Christina Augilera’s Genie in a Bottle began to play and this cat with wings like a bat and ruby red devil horns walked out on stage in lingerie. She was the smoothest shade between pink and purple I ever seen. Liek if u ever saw a pretty pussy she was it.
“Brah she so pretty, what a pussy,” said Goku and drained his new piss in one big gurgle, “Imma git wit her wen I hit next 100x!

     The bat cat looked straight at me with her saucer-sized black eyes as she undressed on stage. She flashed a smile of porceline-white teeth. Twas the kind of teeth that only eat fresh meat. The lights in the whorehouse was all glimmering of her fuzzy wings. I was riding the sweat of my beak on every beat of the music. She sat down next to me and swept me in under her wing when the song ended. Something was happening inside me I couldn’t put words on. Was this love?
“I’ve been waiting 4 u Chakingo” she was so close she could whisper.
“Wdym?”
“Your hooman minted me. I’m ur cat, code says so.”
Raf and Bull-Goku was vibing loud. Inversebrah latest tweet was on the plasma screen over the bar. They had to reply guy, liek n RT.
“Brah I made 10 bucks!” yelled Raf, “Less party! Moar piss 4 every1!”
Then the table was full of empty glasses. Bull-Goku brought out the hopium pipe, but he had nothing to put in it, and he had to run from table to table begging smol shids to share alpha.
“My name is Sexmerallda,” said the bat cat and put her paw on my leg.
”No fuckin way”
“Yes way. I will fuck all of u sexi lil shids. Pay me in sats or gweis idgaf.”
”FED is BUYING!” yelled Bull-Goku in the cats ear as he came back around. She grabbed him by a horn and showed his snout between her tits, then she bit him on the top of the head.
“Ouch! U crazy lady!”
“Wait what’s going on?” Raf stabbed the table with his sai I guess because he had seen it on screen before and thought it would be cool.
“Cuz, sry but I looked in ur wallet n u got dry powder,” he said. “Plz pay 4 pussy n sum moar piss, plz plz, we fam rite?” Raf was babbling bubbles popping out of his foaming mouth he began slapping me with his fins again. “We guuud fam, jist dis 1 time less just fuuuuuuck dis cat!”
“I go 1st, my pp is the biggest!” Goku was bleeding of the top of his head where the bat cat bit him.
“Shut up Goku!” Raf bounced of the sofa and high-kicked him in the bull balls.
“Ur frens have no monies sweeti. U pay 4 3?” she asked. Raf slapped me on the beak this time, “CUZ I want 2 fuck a cat b4 I expire plzzzz!”
“Idk wdym?” I replied because I was fucking blistered seeing stars and rainbows. I felt like I was inside her already. Like she was disceting me.
We fucked her in the elevator and in the hallway because we couldn’t find her room key, and there was no glasses, so she pissed in our mouths.
“Oke bula, lemme git a gud ride,” she said and locked horns with Bull-Goku and threw him into the wall, “My turn 2 b on top.” she ripped his head of by the horn and licked the neckhole like a lolipop.
“Nooo, u bitch bat cat!” Raf stabbed her the back with his sai.
“Dats a qt fork, luk I got 20 knives, less party.”
“WTF!” I yelled, grabbed her tail and bit it with my beak.
“U chill,” she said and smashed my head against the floor.

The reek of the sweetest sweet
Watermelon and perfumey allergy
Watery eyes vanilla
The pain woke me up with painful thuds up my legs. I looked down a piece out of my left flapper was missing. The wound was still open and wet, but the blood was cleaned up.
Had I passed out?
I had heard Raf scream as she chased him up and down the hallway until he had no air left, and then eaten him alive but yet I hadn’t been there.
“WAGMI WAGMI!” came the shrill craw from my parrot. It was the only copy-pasta he knew and right now it sounded like a lie. His tail was nailed to my coffe table by a bloody paw, meathook claws.
“Wow, u r quite a poet” said the bat cat. She was sitting on what was left of my pink couch reading one of my note books.
My poor couch, claw marks had opened up the stuffing everywhere, she had painted crosses over his eyes.
I looked around the fridge I was renting from PropaneBrah for something to wrap my foot with. She had flipped my boxes of GU cards all over the flowery carpet, mixing up all my deck builds.
“What happened last nite? What did u do 2 my couch?” She didn’t answer me just kept flipping the pages over in my note book. My phone was gone.
“What happened last nite?” I asked again.
“We had fun. I coom, u coom, dey coom, then I ate ur cousins, tasty lil shids.”
“Y? Wdym?”
“Wdym?”
Stale mate.
“U got any moar of dis poetry lying around I can read? Is rly gud.”
“U looking 4 my seed phrase bitch?”
“Oh u like 2 talk dirty?” Her eyes went slim like black knives. Her wings spread their full span, they didn’t look fuzzy or furry anymore, they looked thin and vascular and completely bloated out the light. For a split second I saw nothing under the dark umbrella, then stabbing pain in my right flipper. Then her eyes open again green and glowing this time. Pupils glaring at me like the towers of Sauron above the long white zigzag line that chewed wassies like me.
I tried to run but fell over, she had nailed me down like Wagmi.
”WAGMI WAGMI!” cawed my parrot and made a sad disoriented jump of the table onto the floor where she put her paw over him.
She turned my phone on
“Open it”
“Fuck u”
“U want 2 b eaten like dem turd frens of urs?”
“U can’t eat me bc I own u. U said so. If u eat me u will be stuck in his wallet 4ever.”
“That’s not how it works,” she hissed. A poor pokerface. She was lethal but had no clue about the tech she was made out of. She wouldn’t call my bluff.
“Yes it is. U need the seed phrase 2 b free.”
“Mb I just kill u anyway.”
“Go ahead. I blv in reincarnation”
“Torture it is then.”
I keked in her face. “U will get nuttin. He doesn’t store the keys on-chain.”
“Ur a lyin lil shid. Imma jist open u up rite here” and she slashed me and ripped out one of my kidneys, “Gotta go sell dis while it’s still worth anythin. Cum by Pussy n Claw tonite babe. I’ll make it up to u.”
“Y the fuck would I ever cum back 2 dat place?”
She burst out in loud sexy keks, “U will cum back 4 the same reason all u lil shids keep coming back. Ur entire infestation is a stoopid walking talking dick buffe. Everyday til death do us part u lil shids simp at Pussy n Claw. U would think we’d run out of clients but we never run out of the hfsp types liek ur cousins.”
She tackled the fridge with such force the door flew off the handle.
“U can keep this.” she threw the phone at me, “I will slide in2 ur DMs”, she took off into the burning dusk.

     Now of course you wonder, how am I not ded, disemboweled and already stinking in the rising sun?
Well PropaneBrah made his way up from bottom shelf. He spat on the wound and stitched me up.
“Sry brah about the fridge.” I said.
“Is oke, I won’t expire in mb another 12 days. Is winter 2, cold outside.”
“U yung blud cuz.”
“Lessgo party @PussynClaw tonite, I wanna git wit sum sexi cat, is bera market, mb great nuclear annihilation reincarnation soon, infestation will rule web3 n then web2 n then all of interwebz.”
“Wtf.”
“Cum on cuz, I’m young, gotta live a little, I wuz gonna go git my socks off wit Goku n Raf but dey ded. Besides, ur sexi times rekt my fridge, u owe me cuz.”
PropaneBrah taped a dirty sock over the stitches on my belly.
“Stoopid cat.”
“So will you cum?”
I looked at my flippers, the open wound was flushing blood, so was the hole through my other foot from the meathook.
“U got any wrappers 4 my flippers 2?”

     Look, I git it. U think I was crazy going back there. My blood wouldn’t stop boiling after Propane dragged me to my mom’s place. All that love surging through me last night was worms in my smol brain now. There was no time to DYOR on cat piss. When my mom asked what happened I told her, “I had to sell the kidney to pay for taxes”
“I git it,” was all she said.
I tried masterminding a plan with Propane on how to get back at the bat cat, but he was no help, distracted by losing his virginity.
”Gimme 1 of those under-collaterized loanz. Imma pay it all back wen bulas fuck beras!“
My phone pinged, it was Sexmeralda whitelisting me to mint a litterbox NFT for 0.69 ETH. “Gud price if u don’t liek cat shit in ur fridge” she wrote.
I blocked her.
All day though my TL was full of left-curve wassies shilling Wassoween liek:
“Imajin fadin Wassoween infestation party @PussynClaw, party, git ur POAP n qualify 4 airdrop. LFG!”
At dawn I was so fucking thirsty, the options of dying or drinking cat piss, felt like 50/50. Git rich or die tryin.
We went back and it was packed. We ordered so much piss, watermelon and vanilla heaven. One sexy cat after the other undressed on stage but Sexmeralda was nowhere to be seen. We disco danced and farted in pickle jars, drool was pouring out my mouth. Everyone who wasn’t ded was there.
I looked at Propane, he was keking like a madman, his mouth was open and spit came out in bubbles or dripped of his chin on to the bar counter.
“Wyd?” I wrote. The moment I hit send on the DM the claws on her paw poked playfully into my shoulder.
“I knew u couldn’t stay away.”
“Ah shiet, is dat her?”
“U brought appetizer, senku,” she put a wing around Propane and swooped him right under under her nose, “U smell liek gasoline.”
“Yeah dats my thing. Imma git 100x gmi monies, dumping it on poors until the end of the metaverse.”
“U got monis?”
“It’s all locked in veNFTs 4 the next 4 years, but wen next bula cums I’ll git rich af.
Sexmerelda looked disgusted.
“Chakingo will pay 4 me, rite cuz?”
”Oke but I will pay in UST.”     
”Two billion,” she said, so I sent it. “Oke, less party,” I said so we went upstairs again. Propane was humping her leg in the elevator, bat cat looked at her phone trying to figure something out.
”U liek dat?” moaned Propane.
”Omg ur the best,” she said and even though her tone was dead Propane bounced up and down with loud KLING KLONGs of excitment.
We stepped inside the cat’s hotelroom. Like all cats it was kitschy glitter and fluffy pillows. She had drawn charts all over the walls with their blood. Bull-Goku’s head was nailed onto the decorated the fond wall over the bed. She had drawn out a pentagram around it.
”Lessgoooo!” shouted Propane and Sexmerelda sunk all five claws on her paw through PropaneBrah to make him shut up.
“Time is up. Gib me the keys.”
“Not ur keys; not ur NFTs.”
“Kek”
“Look cat, u were minted 4 me. U will do as I say. Is bera market. U will keep sucking lil shid Ds, n u will gib the monis 2 me.”
“Kek. U don’t own me any moar than I own u. We in same wallet. Ur moni is my moni. So we will just buy everytin I want n u will have nuttin sewer rat.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“Yes it is, u tricked me once but cats talk, now gib me the keys or I will make da hooman sell u.”
“There’s no way. Hooman lubs me. I was bought up front, no haggling n I have never been listed.”
“Ur worth liek floor at best” she looked at her phone, “What’s dat, it says floor is .6 but it’s .5 rly innit?”
“He’ll never sell at a loss.”
“I’ll find some1 who will buy u @ a profit mfer.”
“Kek idk, mb if some1 pays moar dey can gib me moar?”
She threw me on the bed and picked a brown sack of the floor.
“Dis is 2 peel ur skin off. Imma fry it liek bacon. Don’t worry. I made dis 4 u.”
“It’ll be liek a skin, but hurt moar ofc, n I brought sum moar coolers 4 ur kidney n ur heart. I don’t need it after I possess u.”
“Wtf? Ur a bat cat bitch witch?”
She tied my flippers to the bed posts.
”I’m the greatest demon to ever walk the earth and I will prove it this Wassoween when I summon next bula market” She drew a disection map on my body with a lipstick.
“All de lil shids will b here tmrw. Imma completely ruin ur reputation. U will be the most worthless of all de lil’shids. Hooman will pay 2 get rid of u wen I’m done wit u.”
She peeled my skin off and put all my organs in coolers. Then she dressed me in the sack, stitched it to my muscles. She touched my pp and when it got hard she got on top of me.
”On Wassoween I decide who will bleed n who will breed.” she said, “We r goin 2 have so much fun tomorrow nuttin will ever b the same. I’ll c ur next reincarnation after I’ve opened the bridge.”
She chanted in lmeows and I left my body as she possessed me.

I came back maybe 5 seconds later reborn in this embarrasing form, I think mb sumtin went wrong?
She has been posting of my account today. I don’t think she knows I’m back or I would never get this story out to you frens. She surely will read this warning 2 u my fellow wassies and look for clues on how to find me.
GL HF tomorrow n plz know I’m not me, if u see me, run. Or idk, mb if she rly summons next bull market it will all be worth it.