Practically all my Life I’ve been called a “Nice Guy”, and pretty much all my Life my Brother has been called a “Bad Boy”. Girls adored me, but they LOVED him. This dynamic never really made any sense to me considering I pretty much always ‘had my shit’ together and my brother was all over the place with struggles.

But it makes a little more sense now.

So I’d like to share with you what I’ve observed, read, and been thinking about since Valentine’s Day. This isn’t going to be the most in depth analysis, cuz Instagram, but I will post a long-form essay on this subject, or should I just write a book on this?

The way I see it, is that there are 3 types of males in this world. The Nice Guy (who really isn’t nice because he’s got issues too), the Narcissistic Bad Boy (who wears his dysfunction on his sleeve), and then, what I’ve termed, the Mature Masculine Man (who’s self-awareness is top tier).

The Nice Guy:

• Peaceful and generous
• Believes they’re ‘better’ than other men
• Believes they’re ‘different’ from other men
• People pleaser
• Doormat
• Doesn’t get laid
• Passive Aggressive AF
• Creates ‘secret contracts’ with those he gives to
• Needy AF
• Approach Anxiety
• Prematurely Ejaculates

A Deeper look into the nice guy syndrome would show you that somewhere in their young adult development they learned to be good and that by being good, they would receive some form of positive reinforcement. This is important because this is how Nice Guys get attention from women, especially women they want to fuck. In fact, their covert desire to have sex is the basis of why they do so many ‘nice’ things for the women they’re with. Nice guys shower their love interest’s in undeserved gifts and compliments. They are essentially masters of creating covert contracts which say “I did this for you… I bought you this… I took you here…I listened to you bullshit” so now you owe me sex. (the friendzoned dude is the worst of them all.) Women even feel obligated to deliver on the sex because they feel guilty about receiving the gifts and NOT giving something in return. As you can imagine and have probably experienced first hand yourself, sex with a Nice Guy is not satisfying. The Nice Guy tries too hard to get his partner to climax, and the whole premise of why they’re engaging in sex in the first place is a ‘reciprocal’ action taken as a result of gift giving. Nice Guy’s oftentimes prematurely ejaculate because they are so anxious and uncomfortable with expressing themselves sexually it induces a fight-or-flight response — you know how that plays out. The sex is monotonous, filled with undertones of ‘am i doing it good enough’.

The Nice Guy is afraid of approaching women he is attracted to. He’s the guy who mulls it over in his head a hundred million times thinking ‘what pickup line should i use?’ and has a repertoire on stand by to choose from, all of which only increase his odds of being rejected.

When rejected, the Nice Guy’s mask comes off and he fires back with some bullshit like, “Well fuck you then, you’re not even that hot!” He’s so afraid of expressing himself that when he finally does, it creates such vulnerability that he instantly regrets it and becomes defensive and rageful when it doesn’t go how he wanted it to go.

This man is not a man, if you didn’t already know that. The mask he wears is a nice, sweet mask, but that is deceptive. Remember, the Nice Guy mask is a product of his childhood where he received positive attention from the opposite sex for being Nice or Good. He acts like he’s not interested in sex because he’s trying to mimic (albeit poorly) the male who receives the most sex — the Narcissistic Bad Boy, and he needs to prove himself to be ‘different’ than other guys by feigning indifference. It’s all an act and an indirect way of getting what he wants. Remember, the Nice Guy is passive aggressive as fuck, so he’s not going to just come out and say what he wants.

At the heart of it, the Nice Guy is afraid to bear his masculinity and because he’s constantly repressing his sexuality, he harbors a lot of resentment towards women. He does everything his woman asks of him, he has no backbone, no BALLS. He’s afraid to stand up to anyone in Life whether it be his abusive boss or his mate because he’s afraid that it would let them down and he NEEDS their approval in order to validate himself. This dynamic is fucked up and I can expound on it much more than I’m going to here, but the main idea I want to convey here is my idea of the Mature Masculine Man, which I’ve developed and am working on. So let’s move on to the next category.

The Narcissistic Bad Boy:

• Likes to argue and is a taker
• Controlling
• Gaslighting
• Manipulative
• Sexually Promiscuous
• Relationship with this type of guy leaves the girl feeling used and depleted of life energy
• Doesn’t give a fuck (views women as a trophy)
• Satisfies women sexually

The Narcissistic Bad Boy is on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to dating and relationships. Whereas the Nice Guy tries to go above and beyond to please, the NBB doesn’t try too hard to please his woman, in fact, he almost deliberately tries to displease women. I say ‘almost deliberately’ because he too has some deep emotional issues that creates undesirable behavior.

NBB’s are those men who lead with their dark triad traits. They’re a bit psychopath. Much like the Nice Guy, they too come from homes without a positive male role model, and they’ve learned early on in their childhood that you can get attention for being ‘bad’. This is textbook label theory at work here. NBB’s are rebellious spirits. This creates an ‘edge’ that women are attracted to.

The NBB is more in tune with his masculinity than the Nice Guy, but still harbors the same feeling that he is not man enough to handle a mature relationship and therefore exhibits an incredible affinity to self sabotage. Oftentimes starting fights out of nowhere and for no reason. Sometimes addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.

These are the Fixer Uppers that women fall in love with. They’re rough around the edges, they promise a rose garden and deliver weeds, they are masters of gaslighting and they come into a woman’s life like a hurricane and fuck up everything, leaving her to focus on ‘fixing’ it all.

NBB’s are masterful liars and manipulators. Oftentimes, NBB’s use women as a status symbol to fill the void in themselves. They think that if they can get this high quality woman, then they really aren’t as fucked up as they had thought they were. Narcissistic Bad Boys sell themselves all the time, they play up their good qualities and dismiss their bad qualities by turning it around on their partner. Women think that if they could just get him to settle down, then he’d be the perfect husband when in reality he has no desire to settle down and his dark triad traits promote his sexual deviance and promiscuity. He is never faithful and will fuck anything anywhere.

Sex with NBB’s is often spontaneous and full of pleasure for the female. Because NBB’s set boundaries and go their own way, women perceive them as being more dominant than the Nice Guy and therefore a better quality mate. They like the masculinity of the NBB but just wish he would change.

Narcissistic Bad Boys, much like Nice Guys are very needy. Nice guys constantly need the approval and recognition from their partner whereas the Narcissistic Bad Boys are constantly in a crisis state where their needs supercede all other needs in the relationship. Both are dysfunctional AF if you haven’t already figured that out.

We see this scenario a lot: Girl tries to fix bad boy, gets pregnant, endures more abuse from NBB. Finally comes to the realization that he’s not going to change. Girl finds Nice Guy that will light himself on fire if she asks him to. Nice guy takes care of her and NBB’s lovechild. Nice Guy can’t satisfy woman sexually. They get married anyways because Girl needs security. End up divorcing a few years later because there’s no ‘spark’. She becomes a lesbian or swears off men (just kidding, don’t kill me!).

Next up is the Mature Masculine Man. I don’t know if I like that moniker, but for the purposes of this I’ll stick with it because it helps convey the idea. I might change it later if I have a better idea.

I hope you see the progression, or what digital marketers would call a ‘value ladder’. Each rung up the ladder offers the customer (in this case, sexual partner), with more value. The lowest, weakest form of a male is the male who succumbs to the Nice Guy Syndrome, one step up the value ladder is the Narcissistic Bad Boy, and superior to all is the Mature Masculine Man.

The Mature Masculine Man:

• Okay with rejection
• Assertive
• Exhibits integrity
• Satisfies his needs while recognizing responsibility to others
• Clear and Open communicator
• Oftentimes only wants to have sex with a woman after a bond has been formed
• Mature, and seeks an equally mature mate
• Works to Improve himself day-in day-out
• Not afraid of Masculinity
• Sexually satisfies
• Insecure/dysfunctional women are intimidated

The Nice Guy hides his flaws and becomes what he thinks others want him to be, the Narcissistic Bad Boy wears his flaws on his sleeve, but then gaslights and denies any wrongs he’s done; The Mature Masculine Man recognizes his flaws, works to diagnose and improve them so he can become the best version of himself. He seeks to be his most authentic self. His ONE TRUE SELF, no mask, no denial. He says, “This is me, warts and all, if you don’t like it, it doesn’t bother me, because I am my own.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “We must first be our own before we can be another’s.”

At the heart of the Mature Masculine Man is his self-respect. He is first his own, and as a result, he can be another’s. Not just any other’s though. The Mature Masculine Man is selective because he realizes that his choice in partner is a direct reflection of himself and his flaws (Wounded people are attracted to wounded people, and likewise). He communicates with himself openly and confidently, and therefore he can express his emotions with another freely and confidently. He is passionate and follows his own path in Life. He’s assertive and exhibits integrity. He’s strong — Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically.

The Mature Masculine Man doesn’t let others walk all over him. If someone attempts, his assertiveness stands ground and establishes, through clear communication, the boundaries that are set. (If a man or woman fails to set boundaries it communicates to their partner that they don’t honor themselves, so why should anyone else?)

The Mature Masculine Man is who he is, without reservation. He decides what is right for him and becomes that with all of his energy for the whole world to see. He recognizes that the people who like him just as he is will hang around and that the people who don’t, won’t. This is the only way to have a healthy relationship and is the core of compatibility.

When it comes to relationships, the Mature Masculine Man is selective and expresses his intentions of establishing a mature, healthy relationship from the get-go. This intimidates a lot of women who aren’t as self-aware with themselves. Additionally, because of the straightforward approach, it weeds out any female who is not looking for a mature, healthy relationship. Putting your nuts on a chopping block is a vulnerable thing to do and it actually sub-communicates confidence. The Mature Masculine Man is willing to be vulnerable because his idea and perception of himself is stronger than the opinion others may have of him. Because he is willing to be his most authentic self, people will end up respecting him, even if they don’t like him or feel any attraction toward him.

The Nice Guy has difficulty in bed, whether it be with erectile dysfunction, needing to fantasize in order to get it up, induce an erection with pornography, or prematurely ejaculate; spends too much effort on pleasing his mate and induces shame and guilt in them if they don’t orgasm; the Narcissistic Bad Boy pleases his mate, but only because he’s so focused on his own pleasure and her pleasure occurs as a result, “if it weren’t for his emotional issues, lies and baggage” he’d be perfect; then there’s the Mature Masculine Male who understands that once the sex begins in relationships, the learning stops. Sex creates such a powerful bond that it is difficult to accurately assess and evaluate the appropriateness of a new relationship. Therefore, he seeks connection and understanding, he’s the man looking for a ‘real’ relationship. His partner can get excited about sex with him because his LIFE ENERGY is infectious. He can please his mate through open communication about what feels good and what doesn’t, he can be passionate, spontaneous, serendipitous, intimate, and reciprocal sexually.

In a nutshell, the traits that define a Mature Masculine Male are:

• Passion
• Integrity
• Commitment to personal growth
• Happiness
• Good time management
• Healthy Habits — eat well, dress well, exercise
• Intelligence
• Sexual Assertiveness
• Financial Responsibility

As a female friend said, it’s usually choosing between “Prince Charming or Christian Grey” — this doesn’t need to be. The way of the Mature Masculine Man is a third and viable option — the ‘Unicorn’ if you will. (A male friend tried to sum this up with, “So basically, treat her like a princess, but fuck her like a whore?”)

In the end, what we all really want is a strong, independent, non-needy partner who fulfills us, who we can share ourselves with and receive them in return. Because sharing yourself doesn’t mean just physically occupying the same area. It’s not just exchanging facts with one another or opening up about your values, desires, feelings, and dreams. It means exposing your shame, insecurities, doubts and fears.

It means living with somebody on an emotional plane, inhabiting that same heart-space together because that’s the one true thing we can’t ever achieve by ourselves.

I originally wanted to post this on Valentine’s day, but it took me awhile to process my thoughts on the topic and I still feel like there’s more to be explored here.

For women who read this, now you know what traits to look for if you truly seek a mature relationship. For the men who read this, now you know what traits you must cultivate in yourself to become a Mature Masculine Male.