上海市一老人下楼做核酸时，不慎落入小区人工湖中，随高呼救命！
两名协助封控的警察路过，视若不见，仍边走边谈笑如旧。
老者情急生智，随又高呼“我是阳性！”
两警察闻之大惊，随急速跳入湖中，将老者拖上岸来铐之。
When an old man in Shanghai went downstairs to do nucleic acid test, he accidentally fell into the artificial lake of the community and shouted for help!
Two policemen who assisted in the sealing passed by, ignored them, and still talked and laughed as before as they walked.
The old man was impatient and shouted "I am positive!" ”
The two policemen were so startled that they jumped into the lake and dragged the old man ashore and handcuffed him.
上海市某领导在做关于疫情防控工作的新闻发布会：“重点保障物资已通过物流专人专车运抵上海，包括超8万件母婴物资，超10万件药品及防疫物资。”
评论区有人说：“我们家的老人已经断药三天了，没有什么物资！”
领导没有回答，继续说：“以及100吨来自浙江的蔬菜，和10吨来自新疆的羊肉等。”
评论区有人说：“我们小区封了两周了，什么食物都没有了！”
领导：“同志们，你们最好少看家里的物资，要多看一些官方媒体！比如《人民日报》！”说完关闭了评论区。
A leader of Shanghai Municipality is making a press conference on the prevention and control of the epidemic: "Key guarantee materials have arrived in Shanghai through special logistics vehicles, including more than 80,000 pieces of maternal and infant materials, more than 100,000 pieces of drugs and epidemic prevention materials. ”
Someone in the comment area said: "The old man in our family has been out of medicine for three days, and there is no material!" ”
The leader did not answer, continuing: "And 100 tons of vegetables from Zhejiang, and 10 tons of mutton from Xinjiang, etc." ”
Someone in the comments section said: "Our community has been closed for two weeks, and there is no food!" ”
Leader: "Comrades, you had better look less at the supplies at home and more at the official media!" For example, People's Daily! Finished closing the comments section.
市委领导在居委会主任的陪同下到封控小区视察物资供应情况。他们走到小区的垃圾房附近，发现一片烂菜叶没有扔进厨余垃圾桶。领导不满的说：“这是谁家的菜叶？！”
居委会主任看了看四周，欣喜的说：“看来谁的也不是，领导，赶快拣起来吃吧！”
The leaders of the municipal party committee, accompanied by the director of the neighborhood committee, went to the sealed control community to inspect the supply of materials. They walked to the neighborhood's garbage room and found a rotten vegetable leaf that had not been thrown into the kitchen waste trash can. The leader said disapprovingly, "Whose vegetable leaf is this?!" ”
The director of the neighborhood committee looked around and said happily: "It seems that no one's is it, leader, hurry up and pick it up and eat it!" ”
上海市委的一次大会上，主持人突然说：“下面请认为动态清零好的同志坐到会场的左边，认为共存放开好的同志坐到会场的右边。”大部分人坐到了左边，少数人坐到右边，只有一个人还坐在中间不动。
主持人：“那位同志，你到底认为动态清零好还是共存放开好？”
回答：“我认为动态清零好，但是我的生活像是共存放开。”
主持人慌忙说：“那请您赶快坐到主席台上来。”
At a meeting of the Shanghai Municipal CPC Committee, the moderator suddenly said: "Next, please sit on the left side of the venue if you think that the dynamic clearance is good, and the comrades who think that the joint storage is open will sit on the right side of the venue." "Most of the people sat on the left, a few sat on the right, and only one person sat still in the middle.
Host: "That comrade, do you really think that dynamic zeroing is better or better to store it together?" ”
Answer: "I think dynamic zeroing is good, but my life is like a co-storage." ”
The moderator hurriedly said, "Then please sit down on the rostrum quickly." ”
上海市市民张三在小区的河里捉到一条鱼，高兴的回到家里和老婆说：“看，我们有炸鱼吃了！”
“没有油啊。”
“那就煮！”
“没锅。”
“烤鱼！”
“没盐。”
张三气死了，走到河边把鱼扔了回去。那鱼在水里划了一个半圆，上身出水，举起右鳍激动地高呼：“全域静态管理万岁！”
Zhang San, a shanghai resident, caught a fish in the river in the community, and happily returned home with his wife and said: "Look, we have fried fish to eat!" ”
"There's no oil."
"Then cook!"
"No pot."
"Grilled fish!"
"No salt."
Zhang Sanqi died and went to the river and threw the fish back. The fish drew a semicircle in the water, came out of the water on its upper body, raised its right fin and shouted excitedly: "Long live the static management of the whole region!" ”
上海市领导被邀请到法国巴黎访问。法国官员带他到处看看，他对巴黎圣母院、巴黎地下铁、凯旋门、国画馆、高速公路网和闻名世界的埃菲尔铁塔都不感兴趣。当法国官员带他到卢浮宫时，他忽然对卢浮宫的面积和布局很感兴趣。他对法国官员问道：“啊哈！巴黎是不是有一千一百万人口？”
法国官员：“您说的一点都不错。”
上海市领导洋洋得意道：“哈哈，终于找到了，原来你们巴黎一千一百万人共用一座方舱！”
Leaders of Shanghai Municipality were invited to visit Paris, France. French officials showed him around, and he wasn't interested in Notre Dame Cathedral, the Paris Underground, the Arc de Triomphe, the National Painting Gallery, the highway network, or the world-famous Eiffel Tower. When the French official took him to the Louvre, he was suddenly interested in the size and layout of the Louvre. He asked the French official, "Aha! Does Paris have a population of eleven million? ”
French official: "You're not wrong at all. ”
The leader of Shanghai Municipality said triumphantly: "Haha, I finally found it, it turns out that you eleven million people in Paris share a square cabin!" ”
美术馆里有一幅描写亚当和夏娃的画。
一个英国人看了，说：“他们一定是英国人，男士有好吃的东西就和女士分享。”
一个法国人看了，说：“他们一定是法国人，情侣裸体散步。”
一个上海人看了，说：“他们一定是上海人，他们没有衣服，吃得很少，还被隔离着！”
There is a painting in the gallery depicting Adam and Eve.
An Englishman looked at it and said, "They must be British, and the men share with the ladies when they have something good to eat."
A Frenchman looked at it and said, "They must be French, couple walking naked."
A Shanghai man looked at it and said, "They must be from Shanghai. They have no clothes, eat very little, and are quarantined!"
一个上海人被关在家里 14 天了，平均每天只能吃上一顿，他灵机一动，想进方舱吃饭，于是就对工作人员说：“我全身虚弱难受，我想我一定是得了奥米克隆，你快送我去方舱吧！”但是工作人员说：“你别装了，得奥米克隆的人没有你这样的，他们的精神都好得很。”
A man from Shanghai has been locked at home for 14 days and can only eat once a day on average. He had an idea and wanted to enter the cabin to eat, so he said to the staff: "I am weak and uncomfortable, I think I must have had the Austrian disease. Mikron, please send me to the square cabin!" But the staff said, "Don't pretend, the people in Omicron are not like you, and their spirits are very good."
社区向街道打报告“生活难以支持，请发蔬菜” 街道回“请勒紧腰带” 社区：“请发腰带”
The community reported to the street, "Life is hard to support, please send vegetables" The street replied, "Please tighten your belt" Community: "Please send your belt"
在上海防疫表彰大会上，医生、护士、志愿者都得到了表彰，但是最后隆重出场的却是几个顶着浓重黑眼圈的人，底下有人问：“这几个人是干什么的？”另一人回答道：“网络上负责删帖的程序员。”
At the Shanghai Epidemic Prevention Commendation Conference, doctors, nurses, and volunteers were all commended, but in the end it was a few people with dark circles under their eyes. Someone below asked, "What are these people doing?" Another person Answered: "The programmer responsible for deleting posts on the Internet."
一个一年级的上海小朋友隔离在家做作业。 小朋友问妈妈:是先有鸡还是先有蛋啊？ 妈妈说:一个月前冰箱里都有。
A first-grader from Shanghai is doing homework in isolation at home. The child asked his mother: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Mother said: It was in the refrigerator a month ago.
我觉得这次上海领导抗疫各方面都做的很好，唯一美中不足就是忘拔网线了。
I think the leaders of Shanghai have done a good job in all aspects of fighting the epidemic this time. The only fly in the ointment is that they forgot to unplug the network cable.
苏联笑话在苏联笑话大赛中勇夺第二
Soviet joke takes second place in Soviet joke contest
上海某小学网课直播老师对孩子们说：大家不用担心，上海是国际大都市，抗疫模范生，全国都在支援我们，目前物资充足，医疗保障好。 下面的孩子纷纷高兴地说：好耶！我要去上海！
The live-streaming teacher of a primary school in Shanghai said to the children: Don't worry, Shanghai is an international metropolis and a model student in the fight against the epidemic. The whole country is supporting us. At present, there are sufficient supplies and good medical care. The children below said happily: Good! I am going to Shanghai!
“亲爱的市民，你对我市防疫有什么意见吗？” “我是有意见，但我坚决不同意我的意见！”
"Dear citizen, do you have any opinions on our city's epidemic prevention?" "I do, but I firmly disagree with mine!"
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以上摘抄自互联网。
The above is excerpted from the Internet.
以上内容均不代表个人观点，本人对现有的抗疫政策不存在任何意见。
The above content does not represent my personal opinion, and I have no opinion on the existing anti-epidemic policy.
笑话都是假的，别当真。
Jokes are fake, don't take them seriously.