Dear Diary (1-10-23)
January 10th, 2023

Mood: Apathetic

New year same me~ not keeping a journal and instead accumulating thousands of lost notes across various apps, docs, voice memos, that will likely be forgotten and never returned to. I’m looking to bring more consistency into my life and journaling feels like a moderately simple barrier to entry.

It is simple. I love writing. I always feel better when I write down what i’m feeling. Emotions actually make sense and become smaller when I write them down. The difficult part is simply doing it. Similar to my lack of meditation practice (despite my greater intelligence), the hardest part is pressing start. Yet once I start, it’s hard to stop.

My whole life i’ve been chasing something. Usually it’s whatever ambitious project or career goal i’ve come up with. It can also be a person or existential dread. Maybe that’s because we perceive time as limited. You’re supposed to live your life to the fullest right? Life is short so you take every opportunity you can, accumulating wealth, and running as fast as you can until you burn out. And then you wonder why you feel guilty when it’s past noon and can’t convince yourself to get out of bed.

Why can’t I get out of bed?

Easy. To get out of bed requires you to accept that the day has begun and there’s probably shit you need to be doing. It’s not the typical busy work/chores shit that paralyzes me. It’s but what comes after. Because what comes after can only be determined by my actions. Each action unlocks a new door.

So which door will I walk through today?

Some days are clearer than others.

[self doubt kicks in]

Is this even the right door? What if i’m wasting my time?

[anxiety enters]

Fuck this stupid door I’m going on TikTok

This is the pattern I want to break. I’m going to do so by journaling every morning (probably from bed) and breaking down where I’m at, how i’m feeling, what I’m doing, what I want to be doing, and laying down the groundwork for how to do it.

These entries are not for educational or entertainment purpose, but a documented stream of consciousness for my own self-benefit. I’m only publishing to hold myself accountable.

If you found this, hi i’m mija

Welcome to my brain

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