I am a Villain in My Own Story

July 8th, 2024

I’ve caused the death and suffering of 3470 animals and inflicted tremendous damage to the planet—this is my confession.

Nobody is a villain in their own story. We’re all the heroes of our own stories.

George R. R. Martin.

Well, I messed up because I’m a villain in mine.

I Was a Good Kid

My mother used to feed half of the stray cats in the neighbourhood. She couldn’t stand the smell of fish but prepared it every day for the homeless sleeping furballs seizing our balcony. Our family adopted five cats and a loyal to-the-grave dog.

Dedication to Animals

Following her footsteps, I observed, defended, adopted, fed, and even saved them from inevitable death.

Once I jumped into a fight to defend a murdered mouse’s honor. That didn’t go well.

I defended a girl with a puppy from a sizable stray dog. Twenty bleeding puncture holes in the left arm, seven stitches, and a course of rabies shots were the outcomes of that heroic stand. Yet, I continued feeding and helping stray dogs after that.

I returned into the wild a few adorable hedgehogs and mended the wing of a grounded martin bird. I could see her heart beating out of the tiny chest before I opened my palm and let her go.

I even saved multiple spiders from flatmates and frightened girls with unreasonable murder intentions.

A Career Not Chosen

The thought of suffering animals made me nauseous. It took just one mention of the responsibility of putting down sick animals to turn me away from the veterinary profession.

A Legacy

In total, about 70 animals benefited from my care during those formative years. This list—evidence of my gentle nature—remained untarnished by the challenges I faced at home. It was proof of my decency, showing a part of me that wasn’t corrupted by circumstances.

As an Adult, I Did Nothing but Care

With social media, the word "care" morphed into something ugly and passive. Active care is when people put time and effort into someone or something under their attention. These days it’s nothing more than a PR word to boost likes and subscriptions.

Every person will exclaim, “Of course, I care about animals and the environment,” if you ask. Admitting the opposite would make anyone look like a monster.

And I followed the trend. Occasional thumbs up on Facebook posts about animals. Or a salty comment on mistreated animals’ videos.

Clues and a Doubt

From time to time, small pieces of information would break through and plant a seed of doubt. I had always believed that meat and dairy were healthy and necessary—it was simply a fact. Why would I question it?

Yet, as time passed, doubts began to connect things I had previously thought irrelevant, like the unravelling of belief in Santa Claus when the truth is revealed. The denial was followed by a gradual realisation through small, previously disconnected clues.

Generational Health Patterns

The main clue lay in the health problems affecting three generations:

• Gen 1: All my grandparents died in their fifties due to diabetes and heart problems, weird considering fresh village air and all-natural fresh foods.

• Gen 2: My parents, despite living in a different country, both developed diabetes, and notably, my mother wasn’t even fond of sweets. This fact was particularly unsettling.

• Gen 3: At 30 years old, I was already on track to face the same health issues.

During a routine checkup at the peak of my sport life, after a whole year of 20 hours a week in the gym combined with what was considered the "best sports diet" at the time—eggs, steamed chicken, steamed rice, and salad—my doctor shocked me by saying, "You need to lower your cholesterol by eating healthier. Try steamed lean meat (chicken), rice, and salad."

“Nonsense,” is what I would say now, realising that GP doctors know nothing about diet, but back then, I left the doctor’s office speechless.

Connecting the Dots

How could three generations, living thousands of kilometres apart, share the same health issues? What was our common link?

By accident, after a long argument with a work colleague, I watched “Cowspiracy.” This set off a chain reaction that led me to "Game Changer" and "What the Health," along with scientific papers and testimonies from healthy vegans.

I wasn’t ready for this, but it clicked.

A Huge Weight Was Lifted

"True freedom is where an individual’s thoughts and actions are in alignment with that which is true, correct, and of honour — no matter the personal price."

Bryant H. McGill

This quote resonated as I struggled with the transition to a plant-based lifestyle, feeling a profound sense of liberation. The nagging doubts faded, replaced by a sense of accomplishment and pride. Transitioning was tough—like quitting smoking or alcohol but magnified tenfold.

The spam of media glorifying unhealthy lifestyle choices no longer swayed me. I was in control, yet the real hurdles extended beyond mere dietary changes:

Rewriting the recipe book challenged my culinary creativity and broke decades of eating habits and family traditions.
Changing shopping habits meant relearning how to shop and what to look for, transforming routine into conscious choice.
Utilising and taming newfound physical and mental power showed me the tangible benefits of my dietary changes, fueling further commitment.

However, more daunting challenges lay ahead. A few months later, as my body rid itself of excess cholesterol and cravings, a realization hit me through simple math—calculating the direct impact of my dietary choices on my health and the environment, which profoundly changed my perspective more than I had ever anticipated.

Even one person can cause significant damage.

At the rate of 100kg of meat and dairy a year for 30 years, I’m directly responsible for the deaths and suffering of 3470 animals:

6 cows
14 pigs
1200 chickens
2250 fishes

These 3470 deaths have vastly overshadowed my “goody-two-shoes” list of 70 saved animals. On top of that, all those animals had to eat, drink, and excrete. It roughly took around 100 cubic kilometres of freshwater and a similar amount of food to raise 3470 animals, not to mention the added CO2 and CH4 in the atmosphere.

One Luxury Half-Life vs. One Million Lives

Imagine the beautiful Lake Nicaragua, abundant with freshwater—enough to sustain 1 million people for a lifetime. I took it all for myself, trading it for 30 years of barbeques and creamy tastes.

But I didn’t stop there.

To leave my signature card, as all decent villains do, I replaced all the water in the lake with animal faeces. Every gram of meat or dairy consumed has a certain amount of animal by-product left behind.

A lake full of toxic waste is what I left behind for future generations.

Crime and Punishment

Nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

An ordinary sunny, yet chilly day in lockdown.

I was lounging in the living room. Background TV shows played, masking my loneliness and boredom.

Then it happened.

A scene depicting "happy farm animals" flashed on the screen.

Everything changed.

I took a deep breath...

Images flashed before my eyes at lightning speed.

I exhaled sharply.

Silence enveloped the room.

A tingly sensation overwhelmed me.

Then — BOOM!

A loud clap. A high-pitched tone in my ears, as if a shock wave had struck me.

I was gasping for air.

My vision blurred.

The characters of "Friends" on the TV looked unrecognisable. Almost pleading for help.

I looked down.

I needed to reassure myself that my legs were still there.

They felt wobbly but held me upright.

Thirty years of suppressed guilt had finally caught up with me.

Not even semi-lethal doses of alcohol could drown this guilt.

It reminded me of a childhood incident...

In the 2nd grade, I had stolen lunch money for sweets. I faced a makeshift courtroom of teachers, parents, and classmates.

The feelings of guilt, shame, and mistrust from that day...

They mirrored what I felt now.

Overwhelming.

Inescapable.

I'll be good.

For decades, I created tools to guard myself against the devastating feeling of guilt. I got very good at it.

All evidence screamed—GUILTY.

Justifications and a blind belief in innocence were all I had. Yet, I fought, sometimes dirty, to save face.

It didn't matter how much damage I caused, as long as I could think well of myself.

Now, I'm a grown man. Hiding behind "it's not my fault" feels childish. It was time to shut down the outdated sweet lies and justifications generator in my head. For decades it worked overtime and wasted precious mental energy.

It put up quite a fight on its way out.

Now, I want to be good.

On my own, it will take another 28 years of a plant-based lifestyle to balance my 30 years of ignorance. Knowing the damages a single clueless villain out of 8 billion can do, imagine the size of that toxic lake if we all contribute. It's our home planet and it doesn’t have that much time.