Below is a journal entry. I wrote it on my way back from the monastery. On the train from Burlington, VT, to New York City. I had to edit the language and grammar as when I was writing it, I was in such a deep emotional state that often, the sentences would make little sense to anyone else. Though the things I tried to communicate in both cases are the same. I left in some of the rambling sentence structures to preserve the authenticity of my initial emotional reaction.

I loved the experience, so I wanted to write and share it.

Well, that was an incredible trip. Reading my notes for this past week is so interesting as I made a conscious effort to go into deeper detail than I usually do and flesh out exactly what I was feeling, even though it was late at night and I was on my phone. I am grateful to myself that I did that.

Man, I see in the notes how I went from struggling with life at the monastery to falling in complete and total love. Our life was so structured. Every morning we got up at 4am to chant and meditate, and realistically, we went to sleep around 10pm, with everything outside of a 2.5-hour block during that time completely accounted for. I’m a guy that hates being told what to do, and I had a deep, vitriolic reaction to the level of structure and regiment I was thrown into.

On top of that, I was in a phase where I felt like to get what I want in personal, romantic, and professional contexts, I had to be more of an asshole. To move from a place where my needs are the top priority, aggression gets things done, and relationships are built on power dynamics. The convoluted aspect of this self-imposed personality change was that it was largely working! It felt like I had discovered an unfortunate truth about the human condition.

So when I saw how nice and welcoming everyone at the monastery was, I thought they were weak. Idealistic pacifists who will never accomplish anything in the world.

~

I have rarely had such a beautiful experience in my life. Costa Rica could have become something like this, but my heart wasn’t open, and I was energetically so closed off. I look forward to improving that practice within me so I can interact with the world more joyfully.

In any case, this container was so full of love that it literally forced my heart open. And loving towards me for like no reason? They didn’t even really know who I was. Nevertheless, I might have been caught in the negative, self-destructive loop forever if they were any less. I will forever be grateful to the residents, stewards, and monks who forced open my heart. This egotist that calls himself Punia “Viision” got taught how to see.

What should I talk about in my reflection here? I should be as detailed as possible I was in the notes leading up to the reflection, certainly. I don’t ever want to forget this experience or what happened.

At a shallow level, what I was given was teaching in the Buddhist interpretation of the world, which, in practice, was not so different than the Christian. I also met some lovely people who were deeply authentic and doing something incredibly difficult for a long period of time. Actually, it hasn’t really struck me just how long-term thinking these people really are. Basically, leaving modern society for a couple of years, often during the peak of their youth! That is an incredibly beautiful thing to realize and to see. I was given some therapy from an insightful practitioner on handling more negative emotions I was dealing with. I was given a mission statement that I generally resonated with and think I could work into my life in fruitful ways.

At a deeper level, I was given a lesson in the truth. The truth is that the spiritual exists. That it is loving and joyful in nature. That the spiritual has primacy over the material. That this is the way.

There is no richness or poorness except in faith, and my faith has never felt stronger. In many ways, MAPLE was an answer to my prayers. How can you help but not love the divine when you feel like your prayers get answered in ways you never expect? It takes me away from the darker path I was going down in terms of leading with hate and indifference. As I was actively trying to make indifference a major source of my strength.

I was exposed to beings so grounded in the truth that their vision is unlike anything I have seen before. Soryu blew me away in the same way that maybe only reading about Jesus has in the past. Far beyond any talk by any entrepreneur, podcast host, or anything of the like that tend to be grounded in the material. I know I must live in accord with this truth and this faith. And for that, I will strive. The first step is learning how to love and to be energetically open. I am far from that, but that will be the goal of my practice and my next step down my religious journey. I need to start small with just my friends and my family. I have realized I have been a bad son, brother, and friend. God willing, I can fix that, and hopefully, that can be good.

Something I learned from the leadership at the monastery is that moving from love does not mean always being agreeable and nice. Rather, often it involves communicating hard truths that the other person may not want to hear, though in a style sympathetic to their situation. As the Deputy Head Monk mentioned, the more she loves, the sterner she becomes. Indifference is the easy way out.

What beautiful scenery across the Hudson that I get to see as I take the train back to NYC. I had teared up several times on this ride back as I listened to music about god and reflected on my past week. When I discovered my arrival time was much later than expected, I was so angry and irritated. But that came from the connection I am looking forward to with my friend. Though I am scared.

A part of me is scared that I will start rejecting the truth to some degree. Innocent at first. I start returning to the material. To eventually a point where I can no longer hold up my practice. I feel the fear in my gut. I will get to know the fear and deal with it not by fighting it but by loving it. Loving it.

I feel like the Christ has answered literally every prayer and call I have made to him, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have gotten to know him and know God. Who knew that a Christian faith and a Buddhist practice would be so moving.

I love how Soryu teaches that the breath connects us with everything. Someone once asked him how to find purpose in life, whether to find or create it and how to handle this challenge. He simply asked them to consider and meditate on whether one finds or creates their breath. Not only was this super moving to the person who asked, but it was also moving to me as I heard it second hand and moving to the other resident who heard it a degree removed. And we were all moved for totally different reasons based on our interpretations.

On the same topic, I’ve begun to believe that vision and purpose are things the universe gives us, whether we recognize it or not, and not things we can fabricate. Attempting to fabricate suchness strikes me as a path to insanity and depression. The existentialist and nihilists were wrong.

Since I have surrendered urges to create such things and material results that may be associated with them, I feel so free. Spiritual liberation.

My question to Soryu revolved around eliminating jealousy and envy from my life. His guidance to me was to understand those emotions come from a place of compassion and to recognize that dangerous thought patterns arise from self-will imposed on sources of truth. So that the next time I feel those emotions coming forth, I should sit with them and feel them out.

Apparently, once he said dating apps are worse than war, lol.

Even as I hate on the internet in my thoughts, I am reminded that a random tweet on Twitter led me to my time at MAPLE. It is due to the internet I had such a moving experience. Though I still feel that it is a largely dangerous tool - we do not have enough wisdom to handle it.

I plan to spend as many vacations as possible at monasteries, especially MAPLE. The next one I will go to it Madonna House Apostle to experience a Catholic monastery after experiencing a Buddhist one before ideally returning to MAPLE in Q4. They say while Buddhist meditate on the nothing, Christians meditate on the everything. I wonder how those practices intersect.

I’m not sure what else to say, so I want to write about the people I met. Names are hidden in the blog post.

XX: What a hero in self-actualization. He went from an overweight, institutionalized teenager to grinding for 14 years to get himself out of his predicament, going to college, and leaning into the art of spirituality. What an inspiring journey. The man is so absolutely full of energy. He is opening my mind to a nonmaterial perspective on topics like the energies through the body.

XX: Wise beyond his years. Speaks and looks at you in a soothing, calming, confident way. He has so much figured out and is so humble. I cannot wait to see who he becomes and what he accomplishes. He looks like Jesus!

XX: To do what he is doing at 54 is unreal. Who goes to a goddamn monastery to live a monastic lifestyle for the first time in his life at that age??!!! Not only did he do that, but he had a much better attitude than I did. Also, what a kind and considerate roommate. Unbelievable.

XX: A funny man. Quite disagreeable, stern, but loving. How I may want to inspire to be as a father.

XX: Seems so tranquil. Man has had such intense spiritual training. I looked across from him and studied his face to glean some wisdom while at the Zendo. Unfortunately, wisdom is not so easily gained.

XX: A friend among the residents. He was so nice and kind towards me, and I loved all my conversations with him. He had such a warm and calming smile, even when I felt embarrassed and dumb for asking him that question that I did. Remembering his smile when I did made me feel okay.

XX: Seemed to embody care and gentleness wholly.

XX: Such a tough gal. I have never seen someone work so hard, be so positive, and care while in the blistering cold. I’m not sure if she even took breaks for lunch and stuff! I learned a lot about the art of building.

XX: Caring but edgy and can poke you with her words in fun ways, haha.

XX: He strikes me as the symbol of growth and someone committed to doing the hard work to get better at the things they have put their heart towards. His advice and camaraderie I will hold near and dear to me.

XX: Perhaps the hardest person in the monastery for me to understand, but such a fascinating mixture of qualities and perhaps contradictions. Stern, but quite loving with a lovely voice and smile. Very taciturn and to the point, but nevertheless expressing a lot in the process.

XX and XX: What a story that they had. Our impulses are not who we are.

I want to close this off with a prayer that struck me.

I should publish this as an article. Drowning in blessings.

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