i just typed a whole thing and the app crashed, and although it wasn't specifically about anything but now it does feel like that I'll never be able to write something that is the same as that. it might be vaguely familiar at best but it'll never be the same.

so instead, let's screw that and start talking about something else altogether. it's been about 3 months since the last newsletter was put out, mostly because of the never-ending struggle with the concept of time as a whole. it's not like I've not had ideas, but like most of my drab and vile thoughts, they are at best — abstract and incomplete.

i find myself thinking about the idea of free will. if my thoughts are my own and the actions thereof my own doing. i've often felt like that my memories and experiences have been a form of fed information and today is all that's real, that could be an easy explanation to the disconnect I encounter with my perception of the reality of the day.

on some days I do dabble in a bit of thinking about an absolute utopia. now it could be the disconnect that helps me imagine the human experience from a distance, but our distress, our trauma and out mourning imparts the same meaning to life, if not more, than merry. the absolute utopia because of a lack of motivations and pursuable goals and purposes, is way worse than the worst dystopia you can ever think of. great shower thought, isn't it? haha. i wouldn't bore you with all the grimy thoughts that come out of the inexorable pit of vanity that is my brain. maybe another day.

now this is just an attempt to get back into the habit of writing these regularly.

so here's this piece called Mourning by Harsh Anand. the man seems like a spirit animal at times.

" I started a poem with,

‘I feel emotionally decapitated'.

Irony at its finest,

here lies a brilliant piece of mourning --

”I feel

emotionally decapitated, today.”

Yesterday,

I felt like skewering my leg off.

Tomorrow,

I don’t think I'll even feel anything.

If I don’t,

my tombstone should say,

‘here lies a brilliant piece of mourning,

irony at its finest,

a man with a name

that means happiness'."

couple of music suggestions that I have for the month:

1. beautiful brain by mabel ye

2. a rendition of aapki yaad aati rahi by deepali sahay

3. a recommendation by rea that I've been listening to on repeat these days

4. the greatest video on all of the internet. I've had the longest breathless laughs of my life to this. jim carrey is a legend.

this was an attempt to hold together my crumbling sanity, hope you like it.

to future attempts.

love,

soumya xx