Note: This experience occurred before Letter 4 in 2019.
The experience I will delve into in this letter depicts my initial encounter with the psychedelic substance known as mushrooms. This experience opened my eyes to the profound potential that psychedelics offer individuals. It felt like I had undergone five years of intense therapy condensed into a mere five hours. Most significantly, it shattered a barrier that had shielded my heart from the world.
Before delving deeper into this experience, providing context regarding my life is crucial, as it plays a pivotal role in comprehending the entire journey. At 23, I found myself uncertain about the following steps to take in my life. Should I continue pursuing a path as a visual storyteller, or should I revert to a more conventional job? I yearned for guidance to understand the trajectory I was embarking upon. Complicating matters, I constantly compared myself to friends who found early success in their careers. It is worth noting that I recently graduated from a competitive and esteemed institution, raising my expectations and those imposed upon me.
Furthermore, I was engaged in a journey of self-discovery and a quest for universal truths. The intense desire to acquire knowledge compelled me to explore my psyche, which was heavily influenced by the teachings of Carl Jung. I researched psychedelic substances like mushrooms and their impact on people's lives. Hearing tales of divine and transformative experiences fueled my curiosity and desire to experiment with psychedelics. I firmly believed that mushrooms could provide the much-needed insights I sought. The challenge lay in finding a source for these drugs.
One random day, a friend and actress from Italy, with whom I had collaborated, texted me. She extended an invitation to join her in consuming mushrooms. It felt like the universe had heard my desires, and I eagerly accepted her offer.
As the effects began to manifest, I observed the patterns on the floor coming to life. Throughout the trip, my friend exuded a calming and nurturing presence, as if she were a guide leading me through this transformative experience. What started as surface-level conversations gradually delved into deeper realms. Strangely, I felt at ease in her presence, as if an invisible barrier had crumbled, facilitating a profound connection. Our discussions encompassed topics such as the differences between Europeans and Americans and the experiences of men and women. She told me her perception of an internal clock driving her toward motherhood, a force beyond her control. She acknowledged the privilege that men possess in being able to postpone parenthood until the age of 50, a luxury that eludes women. Deep down, I was already aware of this truth, but hearing it articulated by a self-aware woman was a fascinating experience. However, as the trip progressed, I started to feel a hint of nausea and requested that we retreat to her room for a while.
I recall both of us in her room, immersed in music, while the rain poured outside. As I lay in her bed, I felt like I had entered a therapeutic session, delving deep into my fears and regrets. My friend listened attentively, without judgment, as I bared my soul. She genuinely couldn't comprehend why I placed so much importance on others' opinions of me. To her, it was admirable that I pursued filmmaking and opted for a non-traditional path. It was the first time someone had supported my chosen trajectory, catching me off guard. I remember fixating on a Jim Morrison poster adorning the wall, almost entranced, contemplating the need to embrace self-acceptance fully. Perhaps the problems I had conjured in my mind were not as monumental as I had perceived them to be. Suddenly, a light illuminated my mind, altering my mood completely. Concurrently, the rain ceased, and the sun emerged from behind the clouds. Reflecting on it now, it felt as though I had weathered the storm of the trip, confronting the issues and self-limiting beliefs that had hindered my progress. In a strange sense, I felt reborn, ready to venture outside and explore.
The subsequent stage of our journey involved aimless wandering through the neighborhood. I recall an overwhelming sense of joy, appreciating the gift of life bestowed upon me. Everything I observed, whether the trees, the people, or the buildings, radiated beauty. However, the most unforgettable segment of the trip, near its conclusion, remains one of the most profound experiences of my life to this day. My friend and I ascended to the apartment's rooftop to witness the sunset. As we watched the sun dip below the horizon, an unfamiliar sensation welled up within me: love. I felt an intense love for life itself, for humanity, for my friends and family. I contemplated the friendships that had diverged due to life's circumstances yet still harbored an abundance of appreciation and love for them and their accomplishments. I also experienced a deep affection for my friend, who had allowed me to partake in mushrooms. It wasn't a romantic love but a humanitarian love, a profound appreciation for her presence in my life. Standing on that rooftop, I took a moment to laugh at the absurdity of the situation I found myself in. It was a Wednesday night, and I was here engaging in a psychedelic experience with a beautiful friend. It felt like I were a character in a Federico Fellini film, rediscovering a sentiment I believed had ceased to exist. Concealed behind the walls that had guarded my heart was what truly makes the world a better place: love.
