DOWNTOWN — In the volatile and unpredictable world of cryptocurrencies, where virtual assets frequently adopt the guises of dicks, butts, HarryPotterObamaSonic10Inu and even ugly ass primates, two coins have unapologetically seized the spotlight, captivating not just investors but also fervent devotees: SHIB and DOGE.

PALO ALTO — Currently living with his parents while out on bail pending trial, Sam Bankman-Fried, aka SBF, was arrested on Friday when his bail was revoked by Judge Lewis Kaplan. According to court records, Kaplan noted, "a flagrant disregard for the court’s order to ensure the public display of his physical appearance does not compel others to violence."

LONDON — Curve CEO Michael Egorov owes money all over the blockchain. The DeFI guru is 80 M in debt, leveraged to his eyeballs, and staring down the barrel of a margin call shotgun.

SAN FRANCISCO — In a celebratory move, Twitter CEO Elon Musk changed the name of the platform to “X” commemorating its spot on a list of social media platforms. According to HootSuite, it now ranks 10th behind powerhouses such as Truth Social and Holla.

TULSA — At the “Crypto-Curious” Meetup group, new attendees are already voicing concern about existing member, Joshua Stanton.

GREAT FALLS — On a recent call with your mother, the subject of what you do for a living inevitably came up. You went on to explain, for the seventh time this month, how you now audit smart contracts for flaws and vulnerabilities, earning a combination of fiat and ETH on a biweekly basis.

TYSONS CORNER — On June 23, at roughly 8 am EST, MicroStrategy purchased 245 BTC at an average price of $29,860 per bitcoin, completing their goal of acquiring all of the existing bitcoins.

NEW YORK CITY — BlackRock, the world's largest asset management firm, has announced its acquisition of a majority share in a promising start-up: you.

INTERNATIONAL WATERS — In the depths of Twitter Blue, there exists a reclusive and often misunderstood species known as the "crypto whale." The scientific community knows relatively little about these digital behemoths, but one thing is certain: they may soon face extinction.