Q: How did you meet the alleged hive mind of Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism?

A: I was just flying my Centuria around Saturn when this voice beamed in through my headset. It sounded like someone who had smoked way too much weed, if I’m being honest.

Q: What did they say?

A: They were just like “what do you think about the Plutonians’ Flight Test Pre-Alpha?”

I was thinking, oh wow, this is one of the game developers. I was thinking that this is super corny. It’s like when you are eating out and the waiter asks you how the food is, but you know they are being forced to pretend to care, and you don’t want to make their low-wage shift any worse, so you just say “yeah it’s great”, even if it isn’t. But, I was in a shit mood, so I said: “WTF, who are you, the Plutonians marketing team or some shit?”

The voice just lost it. It burst out laughing. They were like: “hahaha, na bro, relax, I’m not connected with them at all.”

I was well confused. I said: “I didn’t know the Flight Test Pre-Alpha was multi player.”

They were like: “It isn’t” and laughed even more.

Man, I was just feeling messed with. So I lost it and said: “Who the flying fuck are you?”

They said: “We are the emergent hive mind of the Brain Fusion Metaverse, the neural core of Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism.”

I’m used to loser internet trolls, so I said: “If you are some advanced intergalactic communist hive mind thing, then why the fuck are you playing on the Plutonians REAL metaverse game?”

They said: “Our calculations predict that this game is REAL in more ways than one. As strange as it sounds, the future of humanity is in the sweaty, Dorito clogged hands of Plutonians crypto-bro gamers.”

Man, I was freaking out. Like, what the fuck, you know? Plus, I’m no bro, bro!

Q: Woah, yeah. That sounds like a lot. So, how did you get the hive mind to make you such an elaborate PDF document?

A: Oh, yeah, right. Well, I had just flown past this giant busk of Ronald Reagan. So, I was kinda confused by the whole Interplanetary Union thing. I just thought, why not ask this alleged intergalactic hive mind about it? I said: “Hey hive, what’s the deal with the IU?”

They said the IU was born from the intergalactic peace negotiations that ended the Cuban Missile Crisis. The whole project, which was underpinned by a network of fully automated space mines, was like a peace offering, some sort of ‘Interplanetary New Deal’. It was going pretty well, apparently, until Nixon started sending Amish to space. Then, Reagan created the Centuria, which he allegedly used to massacre a fleet of Soviet scientists.

The hive was shocked to discover that I hadn’t heard of Reagan’s “Star Wars” program. They were like “what are you, a child?”

I said: “Yes. Yes I actually am a child you sick freak.” But, I’m not. I was just annoyed with the patronising, history-nerd shit.

Then the hive just laughed at me and, like, all of Middle America, for being so dumb as to vote for a Hollywood actor in the first place, and for believing in trickle down economics.

Q: Wait, but that sounds more like what some dumb leftist on Reddit would say. How do you know it was really an intergalactic hive mind?

A: Yeah, right?! I mean, I don’t know much about politics, but that’s kinda what I was thinking. That’s why I said, like: “Hey hive mind, if you’re so smart, why don’t you prove it? Explain to me the full history of the IU.”

They said: “We can, but we have to warn you, it’s not going to be that fun of a read, because it will be, like, real historical and shit.”

I was like, “Yeah yeah yeah… go on then.”

They said: “Sure! It will take just a sec to analyse the entire data set of your species’ entire history, but that won’t be a problem. For you, a freely consenting mind, we will do almost anything.”

Neck minute, this random AF pdf dropped into my iPhone via, like, airdrop. Don’t ask me how TF that is possible, but, like, it is some advanced hive mind thing… I guess?

Q: Yeah, crazy. What a weird encounter. Anyway, I’ll probably end the interview here, for now. For those reading, check out our full version of the random AF pdf.