The concept of fire has been occupying my mind lately. Maybe actually always. Fire has a thing where it manages to really captivate your attention, it’s a primitive feeling. I remember being mesmerized by anything burning as a child. The fires that warm us, the ones that frighten us, the ones that enlighten us, lead the way, the ones that connect us, the ones that drive us, the ones that feed us and the ones that consume us. I see fire, candle fires, bonfires, campfires, hearts on fire, forest fires, a touch like fire, hair like fire, fiery feelings, skin on fire, fire coming out of the monkey’s head, skies on fire, firestarters, the world is on fire… It's like the spring butterflies in our bellies rekindle the fires in our hearts, the fires that almost died out over the long winter. And the vitality those warm fires bring. A wise person once said “the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.” Waking up from a dark winter sleep to a scorching sun and neon green and vitality. And people and the smiles on their faces. We need people, we need each other. Because we’re all in this together and we have more in common than we think. How obvious a thought, yet how much we fail to acknowledge it. It’s not surprising that the coming of spring has been celebrated across space and time, it’s like the regaining of a collective vitality. The will and desire to live. The vitality that gives us the power to rekindle the familiar flames of old friendships, flames that you thought were extinguished, and the power to embrace the exciting sparks of new ones to come. You want to relate, you want to connect, you want to feel, you want to laugh, you want to cry. Beautiful extraordinary people with hearts wide open and sometimes familiar, sometimes completely new worlds to explore. The warm reassuring touch of massages, hugs and kisses. Not to be confused with the consuming fires of toxic masculinity, and the scorched bodies its touch creates. See, it sucks to realize that the idea of a hug or a kiss or a massage sometimes frightens you. Something that once, could only evoke love, compassion and care. The bitter realization that all those things that you’ve repressed have actually taken a toll on you when you were going around pretending it didn’t matter in the name of being strong. You weren’t going to let it bring you down. It was only a touch, or a word. But it wasn’t. It was an invasion. A friend told me that if you think about countries, invasion is grounds for war. It’s a raid, it’s a plundering of body and mind. And some people have stolen bits and pieces of your fiery character from you, the character that could fearlessly love and care and touch and connect. The realization that you’ve let others make you a colder person, afraid of warmth, fire, and intimacy, afraid to touch anyone, afraid of the sparks because you’ve been devoured by them before. And most of all, afraid that you won’t be able to protect yourself from the flames, once again. That feeling of self-betrayal. But don’t forget the understanding, the self-compassion, the determination that gives you the power to not let these experiences define you for the worse. Sometimes burning something to the ground creates the space you need for rebirth and regrowth into a stronger, wiser version of yourself. So burn it all down! And you will grieve, you will mourn the self you abandoned. Acknowledging the existence of those moments burned into the back of your mind but also acknowledging the strength within you that keeps you coming back despite the fear. Forging meaning and building identity, learning to refuse that which you don’t deserve. Because you don’t deserve it, no one does. You deserve all the best in the world. And with that acceptance, the fiery rage you feel not only towards the predators you have encountered and trusted and that did this to you but also the rage towards the structures that produce these supposedly individual traumas, the rage that gives you the power and the courage to resist those structures. The fiery compassion that you feel for your fellow oppressed whom you know you share these experiences with. The sweet warm solidarity you feel for each other, without even actually meeting each other but still knowing each other. Healing together from collective traumas, protecting each other, taking care of each other. Realizing the value of rage, and letting it drive you instead of repressing it. Sometimes to destruction but also to action and creation. What are you afraid of? Why do I always have to smile? Damn, I’m tired of being nice all the time. Just find the courage to say no and be fucking rude and mean and angry and crazy and internalize that sometimes it’s more important to be kind to yourself, and face whatever comes after that, do it for yourself. Let’s make a promise to take care of each other as a revolutionary act. Let’s protect each other but let’s not forget to protect ourselves along the way. You deserve your care just as much as anyone else does. Stand up for yourself no matter what. Just like you would for someone else. Don’t be afraid. You will probably find conflict, and resolution and both at the same time more often than not. Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, embrace it. Don’t run away, I know you want to but you can’t avoid it forever. Once you face it there will be nothing left to avoid and no regrets. And then you will find the healing warmth of those around you. Have the courage to let yourself be engulfed by the fiery flames of friendship. Let yourself heal. You might find resistance within yourself, resistance to believing that things can be good for you, but you deserve no less than that so let yourself accept all of the wonderful things to come. It’s so fucking hard to believe that you deserve all the best in the world, believe me. In the face of good news, the first reaction of my inner voice is that there must have been some mistake. For so long great things rarely found their way to me, or they came but they came engulfed by darkness. It’s like good things can’t happen to me, there must be a catch, a cost, a price to pay, I will need to fight for it or someone will take it away. But it’s not that things are just happening to you, don’t undermine your agency. You are a factor in what happens to you, we create the lives we live. So just take it. Radiate with all your emotions, look into the mirrors of self-discovery, share, become a tribe, learn, listen, unlearn, express yourself and dance. The world is on fire but you dance tonight, like you’re never gonna die. I’m the catcher in the rye and I will never let you down.

This year my birthday was different. I was born on the 30th of April which turns out to be Hexennacht or Walpurgis Night in Germany, how cool is that?! I knew I was meant to be a witch! And apparently, this is also a celebration of the coming of spring, of rebirth and vitality. And I always felt reborn around my birthday, spring has that effect on me, but this year it was different somehow. I feel like after a year of living in Germany, sort of alone, I’m kind of rediscovering myself, connecting with myself. I think I’m growing up, which is something I was afraid of, but it’s not so bad. Knowing yourself is empowering and exciting. It’s like when I first found myself alone in my dorm room in Mannheim, I was there with a stranger and that stranger was myself. Someone I knew from very long ago, but I had neglected her for so long I didn’t know who she was anymore. What does she like? What does she not like? What does she do in her free time? Who am I when I’m alone? I couldn’t answer these questions and it was awkward and uncomfortable and I just wanted to get away from her but instead, I had to confront her. I had to listen to everything she was saying, years of repressed feelings and thoughts. We had to go through our whole life and be honest about what had happened to us. She cried and screamed and raged, it felt absolutely horrible. I just listened to her and found understanding, pity, pride, and love for her. We decided we don’t want a life where things just happen to us, we want to create the life we want to live and build the world we want to live in. And I had help, my beloved therapist did wonders for me. And the more I tried the closer I became to myself. It was painful and stressful but now I have a friend in myself and I love her. I believe in her, I have faith in her. Obviously, I still fall back into my insecurities, they never completely go away but it’s getting better. It’s like the birth of my “new” adult self, but in so many ways it’s actually a familiar old feeling, like going back to my childhood. It’s like, coming out of my cocoon, or blossoming or waking up, or finding a superpower, or my magic. And it feels fucking amazing. I can’t wait for all we’re gonna do together, it’s going to be an adventure!

And then, just when I discovered what a wonderful thing therapy is, I had to give a break because I can’t afford the sessions at the moment. Interesting how something that’s supposed to help relieve your distress can also cause stress in its own materialistic way. Anyway, I found something even better in Berlin: friend therapy! And then elsewhere as well. It’s an organic collective healing process based on the natural instinct of caring that doesn’t cost anything but effort. It’s not actually something new, I’d just missed it because it was something I took for granted until I lost it. It reminds me of when that taxi driver told me how strange it is that we used to talk to each other and now we talk to therapists. Not to undermine therapists, I love them, but really when you think of common talk therapy it is basically someone listening to you in an objective way and taking interest in what you have to say, asking questions more than actually telling you what to do. What if we all did that the best way we could to each other? Why do we refrain from compassion and love, why be so frugal, is it running out? Why do we compete over love? Moving from economies of scarcity to those of abundance, the magic of dissecting trauma with those whom you already know and love, creating safe spaces for each other to express our worst and best emotions without fear, spaces where we can explore new identities and examine old ones together, encouraging each other to embrace the art of refusal and just be ourselves, practicing unconditional love, choosing our families. Spaces with the highest ceilings and the biggest windows and baby jungles, ethical feasts and ethical sluts, the old feeling of exhaustion and dehydration but now with the new feeling of growing old, the fear of becoming an adult mixed with the pleasure and power of knowing yourself. Chemically induced profound experiences, babysitting each other, new perspectives we encourage each other to adopt in our everyday lives, long sincere conversations with strangers, sharing learning, perspectives, ideas and music. The cathartic release of feelings bottled up for years and years, wise words from “ordinary” people, the words that once said will forever be there to reassure you when you lose faith in yourself. Growing up together, discovering each other, losing each other and finding our way back again, losing each other and having the courage to fight for each other, to keep on building after each collapse, the slivers of hope we so easily lose sight of. You need to work on it, because love is an art. Love and friendships are not found, they are built my dear. No one said it would be easy, but you’ll emerge stronger from it. Sometimes you need to hold on but sometimes you also need to know when to let go, no ifs and buts, just let go. And you have the intuition in you to know which it is. You need to let go so that there is more of you for those who actually deserve your love, starting with yourself and then your people. You have a huge heart bursting with emotions, allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions, experience what it means to be truly human, be a romantic, express your love to the fullest, and your hate, your joy and your sorrow, do big things, write your letters, play, be silly, be the lover you crave for and fall stupidly in love with anything and anyone you want. You don’t always have to be smart. There is so much power in just telling people how we really feel, and usually nothing to be afraid of. All of those beautiful thoughts and emotions we hide within ourselves, why? Why only feel the need to express the shitty things in life? Why let our loved ones go through life feeling invisible and misunderstood when we can nourish each other emotionally and intellectually? In the lonely confusing haze of modern mobility, let’s be home to each other. Now’s the time to have faith in what we can do. Our time is now, here in the morning of our lives.

“The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” -Carl Jung

Check out the song links, they’re like therapy :)