I went to the first academic conference of my life and call me dramatic but it was such an emotional and profound experience for me, I’m literally bursting with emotions and that’s always a good reason to write. So I heard of this wonderful conference called SASE (The Society for the Advancement of Socioeconomics). I started following this organization and I saw that for 2022 the conference theme was going to be super intriguing. It was “Fractious Connections: Anarchy, Activism, Coordination and Control.” How cool is that? So many concepts that I’m interested in and since when do we acknowledge anarchy as a possibility for social organization in formal academia? I thought that there was no way I could actually present there but I wanted to go through the process of applying anyway since I would do it in the future for sure. So I wrote my proposal and submitted it. When I got the acceptance email, I had to read it three times to believe that my proposal was actually accepted. I was shocked and thrilled and then terrified because what the hell was I going to do now? I couldn’t not go after being accepted, it’s such an opportunity! But what the fuck would I present if I did go? And this has been on my mind for months now. I tried so hard to figure out my thesis research question so that I could present it for the conference but I didn’t get very far with it because I barely had any guidance specific to my topic of interest. I felt so misunderstood and alone. I didn’t belong at my own university and I felt it very deeply. And I thrive on external validation so imagine how hard it was to not give up on my ideas when I never got any. It was a very teaching experience in that I had to learn to trust my own intuition and validate myself because there will not always be someone to do that for me, especially when you take up such a controversial cause in your life as finding an alternative to capitalism. I study at a fucking business school. Obviously, my opinions aren’t very well received there and I’m not encouraged to pursue the topics I want to. It’s a Sociology program where we talk about gender in binary terms and very often only use male data in our analyses. Or we talk about how to make workers more productive. Or immigrants more integrated into German culture. Or how the only valuable production of knowledge is strictly via the quantitative scientific method. I’ve learned a lot here but I’m so glad it’s over and I can be with my people soon. And I’ve only just discovered that my people exist at this conference, so you can imagine what a relief it was!
So I moved to Berlin a few weeks ago and this was my first step to save myself, it was difficult but I did it! And it was so worth it, I can’t even tell you how much my life and my mental state have improved since I moved here. I feel like I found my home, I feel like I belong, perhaps specifically because no one belongs here. And I never feel that way! This is so new and exciting for me, I’m so happy that things are finally starting to work out for me. Anyway, with my field experiment, my friends that I needed to say hello to, all the new people I’ve been meeting, all the summer events going on, looking for a house and moving and my current state of homelessness, it was pretty busy. I didn’t really have time to do much in preparation for the conference and with only a few days left last week I freaked out. My mind went rogue and turned on me, this is the first time that I very concretely understood what imposter syndrome is. The thoughts that were spiralling in my mind!
“As always you left this for the last minute, wtf are you gonna do now?”
“You’re going to the first conference of your life and you didn’t even prepare your presentation yet!”
“What were you even thinking applying to such a conference, you don’t belong there! Who do you think you are?!”
“You used some big sexy buzzwords in your proposal of a paper that doesn’t even exist and they thought you were actually someone to invite but you tricked them. You’re nothing. You’re shit. You’re a mere master’s student who can’t even come up with a decent research question.”
“You don’t have the knowledge to back up anything you wrote on that proposal and they’re gonna see you for who you are. A little girl that doesn’t even know what she’s talking about.”
“Your ruse is going to be uncovered and you’re going to be humiliated. They’re gonna ask you questions and you’re not even gonna understand the question, let alone be able to give an intelligent answer to it.”
“Just say you have covid and don’t show up. You don’t have to go and its so much stress, why do that to yourself?”
And so on. You can see how cruel my mind is to me sometimes. But I’m deeply grateful for my beloved friends and family because they’re the ones that got me through it. So many positive affirmations and comforting words of encouragement. We incorporated a demo presentation into our weekly game night and I presented to my friends and they gave me so much helpful feedback. Now they also know what DAOs are and we have the idea of turning this “learning event” into a regular thing where we can all share interesting knowledge and experiences we gain in our individual lives. I love it! And I want to share some of the encouraging words they shared with me, that helped to shut up my inner saboteur.
“If you don’t know something there’s nothing more natural and honest than to just say I don’t know, and there’s nothing to be ashamed about.”
“You have all of the space to make any mistake you want, that’s the good part about first experiences.”
“Well, we’re all imposters when you think about it. No one knows what they’re doing, we’re just going around pretending. Especially in academia.”
“I have full faith that you’re going to rock this thing!”
“You actually might fuck up, you know. It happens. And that’s completely okay, you’re allowed to fuck up.”
And so much more. So I ended up going, thankfully. I was still very stressed out up to the last minute. And so much went wrong on the morning of my presentation, I just wanted to get it over with. But looking back I now know there was nothing to be afraid of. Everyone was just human. And very kind human beings at that. They were encouraging, supportive and interested. No one made a mean comment at all. There was negative feedback but it was all very constructive and considerate. And I think I did a good job! Both with the presentation and the questions after it. The negative feedback was nothing compared with all the positive feedback I got! I’m still shocked by the experience. And conferences apparently aren’t really about the papers being represented, they’re more about connecting and reconnecting. We share our ideas and talk and have fun together, we become friends. That’s the real beauty of it, it’s a social experience! And I’ve always loved the collective & social part of academia, this is a whole new level of it. So it was truly a transformative and profound experience for me.
So I’m gonna get a little emotional. It was a gathering of brilliant passionate nerds out to save the world, a thousand of them. They were scholars, they were activists, they were artists, they were comrades, they were warriors, they were full of hope and doubt, they were beautiful human beings and most importantly they were friends. After the isolation I have gotten accustomed to in my struggle, the loneliness, the crippling self-doubt, the hopelessness… finding this community changes everything. I’m not alone anymore and there are thousands of others out there fighting for the same things. The way we instantly connected was pure magic. We understood each other on such a deep level: the humor, the struggle, the coping mechanisms, the hope, the hopelessness, the things we read, the things we watch, the way we perceive life and what we want from it. I’ve never experienced something like this before. I feel like I found my people, it was so comfortable to be amongst them, and these are people that I literally just met. I knew exactly what to say around them and it was what I wanted to say, I knew I would be accepted for exactly who I am. We were united under a common purpose and struggle and everything else was irrelevant. We were from all over the world and from different backgrounds and ages and genders, but we were able to form a community. Not only do we already agree collectively that the world as we know it is fucked up, we also agree that that can be changed and that responsibility lies with us, and we have come together to discuss how we can do it. We’ve all devoted our lives to actively and passionately seeking out Alternatives to Capitalism and we’re in it together. I kinda grew up this weekend, these wonderful “adults” listened to me, they gave me the opportunity and space to express myself and my ideas resonated with them. They took me in as an equal. I am an adult, I am a sociologist, I am a scholar, I am an academic, I am an activist, I am an artist! And no one in the world can take that away from me. Despite the words of my inner saboteur, I am not an imposter and I deserve to exist and to be here just as much as anyone else and my ideas are worthy of recognition and praise. Do you realize how valuable this realization is? What an experience, I just can’t get over it. I’m bursting with so many emotions. It was stimulating, thought-provoking, inspiring, liberating, motivating, encouraging, overwhelming, comforting and it was a hell of a lot of fun! It was, in fact, a festival! But of ideas… and with a spirit of sweet sweet solidarity!
I must say that there was a difference between our network and the others. We were kinda like the cool kids of the conference. The gender, age, and nationality distribution of the participants was very diverse, much more than in the other networks. I guess the concept of alternatives to capitalism attracts good people. And interesting people. Apparently normally we don’t just do the conference but we visit local communities, collectives, squats and just do other activities while we’re there. Our wonderful organizers are considering having a more informal event to meet at Christiania in Copenhagen. That would be SO MUCH FUN! I’m so happy to have found them and I will not let them go. Not only was the conference itself great, but I also had so much inspiration for my future plans. LibraryDAO is going to have such gatherings but they’re going to be even better. It will be a Festival of the Commons, an anarchist gathering where the structure of the events will be determined in a bottom-up, flexible fashion. I guess most fo us have heard of the tragedy of the commons. The problem of self-interest that leads to overexploitation when you’re sharing a depletable public good. Well, we’re gonna celebrate love and friendship and knowledge and art. None of which are depletable goods, they are economies of abundance, they will increase the more we share them. So we will have a festival of the commons! Which is not my concept btw, I stole it because I like it too much :) There’s so much we could do. It will resemble a festival even more than a traditional conference does. There will be creative activities and performances. We’ll turn the world upside down in our own little bubble. We won’t only consume together but we’ll also create together. We’ll share, we’ll sing, we’ll dance, we’ll play games! Fun will be built into the experience. I’m so excited!