It’s not easy for me to say it, but it’s possible that the overarching emotional experience of my life is self-disappointment.

It may be hyperbole or it may be that I’m still working diligently to get in touch with a range of emotions, many of which I don’t feel comfortable acknowledging because they make me feel vulnerable or because I don’t believe I actually know that they are there, when they are there.

But self-disappointment, that one I feel.

Why that’s the dominant (or prevailing or most common emotion), I don’t know and I’m not sure it’s worth exploring, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that I’m not alone.

I’ve been around enough motivated, high achievers to detect that this pattern is common.

I guess that’s good, not being alone, but at the same time, it’s not a good place to be in.

Lao Tzu says “if you want peace in the home, there must be peace in the heart,” so no matter how you define “home,” the lack of peace that comes from self-disappointment, from holding on too tightly to some idealized, unrealistic version of oneself, is a destroyer of harmony.

I guess the first step in overcoming the prevailing pattern of self-disappointment is recognizing that it’s there, when it’s there.

Then, I consciously say, “ok, this isn’t my entire existence, this is a part of my existence, that exists in concert with other, more positive, more beautiful, more gratifying parts. It doesn’t define me.”

Finally, I’m slowly beginning to attempt the rewiring of the neural network, by saying “ok, next time I feel self-disappointment, I am going to try and use that as a catalyst to be grateful for one of the blessings in my life.”

The upgrade of the emotional infrastructure is going to take time. The last thing I want to do is be disappointed with myself for the fact that “I’m not done yet.”