Most people could benefit from improving their communication skills. The #1 piece of advice I give to people on the topic is: define your variable or terms.

It’s actionable and supercharges your communication—here’s why it’s important.

#1: Most words have very ambiguous definitions
There is no socially agreed upon definition for most words we frequently use—only shades of alignment between people that have similar views and life experiences.

This is a truism you can (unsuccessfully) attempt to disprove by simply asking five people near you “define nice in a single sentence?” If there’s consensus, change the group’s composition (genders, race, cultural, income, etc.).

And few words are perfect substitutes for each other. Is nice the same as kind? I don’t think so, neither does he, and neither does she.

This isn’t to be a vocab snob but illustrate: common language with diverging definition lies at the heart of most miscommunication.

#2: Trains clarity of thought
When you accept the subjectivity of most language, you gift yourself the driver’s seat.

It forces second-order thinking: how do I define that?

Example: wrong is wrong, period—very black and white. How wrong (or right) is relevant but different. Directionally correct means…? Different things to different users.

But its subjectivity presents (🎁) an opportunity to define the variable.

#3: Promotes agency in interpersonal dynamics
What you have defined, you can communicate (or refine)—what you have not defined, you struggle to put into words.

You can always panhandle for better language or other peoples’ definitions cite as references, but at the end of the day you have to draft your own dictionary with definitions and examples.

Missing words can be found (independently; with support)—you have surfaced a known unknown. Little thought shows poor awareness—you have an unknown unknown.

You take a more empowered position in a conversation when have isolated: what am I trying to figure out or gain from this interaction?

#4: Enables you to get up to speed on a situation or team faster
Most communication is an exercise in reconciling terms and perspectives. Those who understand focus on closing understanding gaps.

This makes good communicators good listeners—they seek to understand the other party’s assumptions (how their variables are defined).

Clarifying language is an aid: “it sounds like” “what I am hearing is” “I am not clear on” “can you elaborate on” “I get the impression,” “is it correct to say,” “I don’t think we’re that far apart on,” etc.

After all, you cannot bridge gaps if you are unclear where the other party sits.

#5: Reduces conflict avoidance tendencies
Once you realize most communication is an exercise in reconciling terms and perspectives, you become less conflict avoidant.

You start to see communication as an accordion—two sides needing to come together with shared responsibility in closing the gap.

Good communicators know the quality of interpersonal dynamics is not measure by the absence of or infrequency of tension but how quickly and productively tension can be resolved.

#6: Makes perceptions matter less (or less limiting)
How someone reacts to you is through their filters and serves their agenda (often ego protection).

To an insecure or fragile person, everyone is confident, is intimidating, or has a strong personality. To a people pleaser, anything short of “you’re great” is harsh, toxic, or abusive.

People with higher emotional intelligence and greater life experience know this and will, like I do, ask “what makes you say that” when people (negatively) label others.

Perception is a two-way street, it is fickle, and there is always a market for all dispositions, but some lend themselves to more satisfaction in life and career…

#7: Clarifies the bounds of personhood for you
A person principled about their words is clear on what they said and what they didn’t say.

There is little confusion around their message and the range of incorrect interpretations one could collect from what they say—there is clarity on where they end and another person begins.

Commitments or invitations are not entered into lightly.

Game theory about openness does not matter when you know how you will respond under various conditions.

#8: Shows how common dysfunctional relationships are
We celebrate cowardliness and criminalize courageous communication because dysfunctional relationships have become normalized (and even glorified).

But clear is kind and unclear is unkind—there is not much more to it. Confusion presents an opportunity to ask for clarity.

We’re not playing in the sandbox and our terrible twos have passed. It is fine if you are not there yet but no one is obligated to participate in your chaos or collude in your self-deception.

The Takeaway
The principle: Clear communication changes your life.
The practice/manifestation: Defining your terms or variables.

Note: I’ll be releasing an atomic essay every day for the month of January. If you’d be interested in a deeper dive with practical applications on any topic, collect an NFT so I know.