MANHATTAN, NY — Judge Jefferey Watkins of the New York Southern District court has ruled that appending the shrug emoji to a piece of financial advice will nullify said advice.

The Rug continues to spin a tale…

GREAT FALLS — On a recent call with your mother, the subject of what you do for a living inevitably came up. You went on to explain, for the seventh time this month, how you now audit smart contracts for flaws and vulnerabilities, earning a combination of fiat and ETH on a biweekly basis.

PALO ALTO — Currently living with his parents while out on bail pending trial, Sam Bankman-Fried, aka SBF, was arrested on Friday when his bail was revoked by Judge Lewis Kaplan. According to court records, Kaplan noted, "a flagrant disregard for the court’s order to ensure the public display of his physical appearance does not compel others to violence."

NEW YORK CITY — BlackRock, the world's largest asset management firm, has announced its acquisition of a majority share in a promising start-up: you.

WILMINGTON — Local father and part-time investor Arthur Cauldron brought together his family on Friday evening for a family meeting. After resolving who was responsible for the stain on the living room carpet, he announced to his three teenagers that future allowance payments would be in the CEL token.

OMAHA 一 Michael Saylor, Bitcoin maxi and seven-time synchronous swimming champion, died yesterday at the age of 58 when he lost control of his eye-blazing abilities. It marked the end of a storied career of whatever it was he actually did besides tweeting about Bitcoin.

PALM BEACH — In a rushed press conference earlier today, former President Donald Trump breathlessly announced the launch of his second digital trading card collection.

SAN SALVADOR — Earlier today, El Salvador’s government announced that it will mint a copy of their country’s Constitution as an NFT on the bitcoin blockchain.