This is the fifth chapter of the book „Viveka – the Voice of Inner Guru. “

The whole book will be tokenized as NFTs on Mirror and, as such, published in 20 articles (20 chapters of the book: The Illusion; India, oh India!; The Accurate description of the Reality; The Crown Jewel; Dead Guru; Living student; Who you?; Leaving the room; The Weakness of the Mind; The Archimedean Point; Three Powers of Maya; Viveka - the Sword of Truth; The Cave of the Mind; Language Can Save Us; Searching for Lakshana; Nine Golden Rules of Viveka; Purification Exercises; What to do with all this?; Dealing with Fear; Ekam Evadvityam: Living without a Center).

Chapter 5: Dead Guru

vastusvarūpaṃ sphuṭabodhacakṣuṣā
svenaiva vedyaṃ na tu paṇḍitena |
candrasvarūpaṃ nijacakṣuṣaiva
jñātavyamanyairavagamyate kim ||

The true nature of Reality should be apprehended
by oneself through the eye of clear illumination
and never through another person, though he may be a sage.
What is the Moon is to be known through one’s own eyes.
How can others make one know it?

Vivekachudamani 54

It was probably the hardest thing I've done, but I had to kill him.

I can still remember the sweetness of his appearance. When I saw him for the first time, he swept me off of my feet. I was listening to his voice, but I didn't hear anything. I thought I found the lost guardian angel or something even higher, a God, or His closest representative, at least.

He became my Guru in that very instant. He didn't know it, of course, but I thought that he knew. He probably didn't care, but it was essential for me that I believe that he cared. It was a spiritual love story, like many others: the young seeker and the charismatic teacher. But, this story ended with a spiritual murder, which is, from where I am standing now, a much better ending than any other.

Of course, you understand, this is not a confession of real murder. The police are not interested in that kind of stuff. After we departed, my ex-guru was alive, well, and happy. But still, I had to kill him in my mind. I had to kill the belief that he is leading me somewhere, that he is something else, more advanced, more unique. Maybe you heard a Buddhist saying that if you meet a Buddha along the way, kill him. Like in my case, they don’t mean literary, but symbolically, inside you. You must stop believing there is anyone beside you who may help you, pull you, or push you. It’s all you. You have to do it. And you’ll do it, eventually.

If you meet Budha on your way, your thinking is still trapped in patterns. You are still the prisoner of karma, and your meeting with Budha is an illusion. There is no Budha. There is only your belief that he exists. And that belief is the reason why you don’t see the truth.

Anyway, as I already wrote, killing my guru was probably the hardest thing I've done in my life. I had to do it, though. I had no choice. It was either that or acceptance of the neverending creation of illusory reality. And the latter was out of the question. I was tired – so tired – of pursuing the same path of believing in something, creating the bubble of haven, ignoring the gaps and cracks, resisting temptations, and beliving again. It all had to stop, right there and right then.

Killing him was the end of one reality and the beginning of another. For some time, I had to live with a dead guru. A couple of years will pass before I can bury his mental remains and throw away all his possessions left in me after his death.

I am sure you would like to know who he was, but I won't tell you, at least not in this book. It's not that I am secretive or anything like that. His name and anything around him is not important at all. There are many teachers like him and even more people like me. I would not like you to think that I have something against him. He is not guilty of anything. He just did his thing. It was I who made him what he shouldn't be. It was I who built a pedestal for him. I put him there, I worshipped him, and I made a mess of my reality.

He made a mess of his reality – or he didn't – but that's his problem, not mine. But, it may also be your problem if you don't understand the mechanics of creating the illusion. Spiritual achievements will not save you from that unfortunate fate. Before I found the person I believed to be enlightened, I was doing what an honest seeker is supposed to do. I was attending meetings with teachers and other seekers, soaping information like a sponge, drinking freshwaters of knowledge, but also some that tasted quite bad. After meeting him, I continued to do more or less the same thing but focused only on one source.

In the second chapter (India, oh India!), I explained the difference between spiritual experiences and the state of enlightenment. Enlightenment is not an experience, but my guru somehow omitted to say that, or maybe he didn't know it. He was the person with the most beautiful intentions (aren't they all?), and he did what he knew. It was I who thought that by following his example and his path, I would once reach the final goal of liberation.

I'd like to keep it simple, so you can not say that I didn't point you directly to the bottom of things. So, here it is:

• First - again - enlightenment is NOT an experience you can have. Wrap your mind around it, and don't stop thinking about it until you fully understand it.
• Second, there is no Guru out there. You are on your own. No one could and should be involved in that process because, if someone is, you are relying on something outside you. All means and tools are in your consciousness. If you want it even clearer, you don't have to learn anything from anyone. Mostly, you have to unlearn a lot of things. Thus, all gurus must be killed.

Now, if you understand and accept those two points, that may save you a lot of time and trouble. Well, it may even save me from being a victim of your projections. If you like my writings or even find yourself enchanted with them, you could make another mistake by gurulizing me. Don't do it.

I am here to open your eyes to some of the greatest perils on the spiritual path, and you should hate me for that. In case you don't understand it yet, I am destroying your dreams, and I'll keep on doing that until all dreams are gone.

Ah, well, you may say, isn't that the very essence of a Guru?

Yes, but don't think you caught me in a contradiction. Or, better, believe that you did. Don't trust me. But don't mistrust me just because you trust someone else. Think about what is written, and don't rely on beliefs.

***

The motto of this book is one interesting passage from a talk with Ramana Maharshi, an enlightened Indian teacher („Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi“ by Alan Chadwick). Here it is:

„What about the guidance of a Guru? Is he a necessity?
*Yes, but the supreme Guru is within.
*How can I reach that inner Guru?
*You don't have to. The inner Guru is already within.
*But, I want a visible Guru to guide me.
The visible Guru says that he is within.“

Can you imagine the scene? An enlightened person (an oxymoron, but nevertheless) is sitting in his chair, enjoying the cool evening after quite a hot day. A seeker, a hopeful believer, comes and wants to transfer the weight of his life on someone else's shoulder. He wants to have a Guru. Actually, since he found that particular „holy person,“ probably he wants Ramana to be his Guru and guide him through the sea of suffering, all the way to the heaven of liberation.

There is a slight trace of boredom on Ramana's face, but he politely answers: „Yes, guidance is a nice thing, but the supreme Guru – he is within, not somewhere else. Here, not there.“

Maybe he even points with a finger to his head or heart, wanting to clarify where the Guru abides.

Alas! The seeker ignores all the signs and clear messages. He is either dumb or blind or so immersed in his projections that he continues with a futile question. „How can I reach that inner Guru?“

What? Didn't I just tell you that you have the Guru within? You dumb idiot! Well, those are just thoughts that flicker through Ramana's mind. He is a polite Indian saint, not a rude primitive. So, he patiently answers: „You don't have to. The inner Guru is already within.“

That should do, Ramana thinks. The man will surely understand now. A smile on Ramana's face is partially an expression of satisfaction that he finished the conversation and partially an expression of hope that he did. Two seconds of bliss passed. That much time is needed for a seeker to understand that he received an unsatisfactory answer. No, no, that can not be – no inner Guru, please, I want something tangible. His voice almost cries: „But, I want a visible Guru to guide me.“

A moment of terror in Ramana's head, but he quickly gains control. He is an experienced old tiger. He knows how to deal with those needy crybabies. Ok, so you think I am a Guru, and you want me to guide you. Here you have it, the perfect and final guidance you'll receive from me. With a cunny expression, he says: „The visible Guru says that he is within.“

Ah, now we are done, thinks Ramana, closing his eyes in anticipation of the cool evening breeze on his face.

***

There are thousands and millions of seekers who want to have a Guru. It is such a popular idea that Indians made an excellent business from it. And why not? If the need is here, even if it is an imaginary one, why not offer the satisfaction of that need, again – even if it is an imaginary one?

Ramana Maharshi didn't have a Guru. He did it himself. But he lived in an Indian tradition. Indians love the idea of surrendering oneself to a living human person who supposedly attained enlightenment. Spiritual seekers from the West adopted that idea, too. There is a certain magic in that.

Now, confronted with the prevailing idea of the Guru business, Maharishi Ramana did the only possible thing: he went with the flow and insisted that Guru is necessary. But! A Guru doesn't need to have a human form, he said. Wow. Interesting. That opens a lot of questions.

Once, he answered a direct question - Is he a Guru? – with definite: „No, I have no disciples.“ After the panic spread among his devotees, he corrected that statement, not directly but with some sentences here and there. Predictably, they interpreted that correction as: "Don't worry. I am your Guru. You are safe."

Pressed to the wall by the doctrine imprinted in the mind of culturally enslaved people around him, he used what he could to do as little harm as possible with his words.

While reading different versions of Vivekachudamani, I had the same impression. So many things are jumping out of the text, reinforcing the beliefs and the tradition. I don't want to lose time on that. Instead, I'll point out the cracks through which the lights come in.

Here is verse number 477.

taṭasthitā bodhayanti guravaḥ śrutayo yathā |
prajñayaiva taredvidvānīśvarānugṛhītayā

Masters, like the scriptures, teach while remaining on the shore. The learned must cross by their own wisdom backed by the grace of God.

You can twist that as you like, but the meaning will stay the same: all guidance from a living person or scripture is like coaching from the bench. It is useful, but you have to fight your fights.

There is no one to carry you over; no one who will come back for you; no one you can trust, except...

Well, I knew you would notice „the grace of God“ thing. Before you accuse me of being a hypocrite by asking you to give up your beliefs and now introducing God and his grace, let me explain the translation problem.

In this case, the keyword is Ishvara – a word that is usually translated as Creator or God. However, besides the tradition, there is no real reason, especially if you understand that a personal God is a stranger to Adi Shankara's philosophy. If he (or whoever wrote that text) used the word ishvara, that was impersonal. And an impersonal translation of ishvara sound more like „natural law“ or „natural flow.“

So, you see, the questionable „grace of God“ quickly becomes „the natural flow of things.“ And that is, by all means, much more following the context of not relying on anyone outside you.

So the translation of verse 477 is:

Masters, like the scriptures, teach while remaining on the shore. The learned must cross by their own wisdom backed by the natural flow of things.

Like I said – and if I didn't, I am saying it now - the liberation is your destiny. It will come by nature of things. It will happen sooner if you let yourself go. For some of you, that would mean you have to kill your guru. It is unfortunate because that very act is quite painful – for the killer, of course, not for the „victim“. And, after you do it, living with a dead guru floating around in your thoughts and feelings is unpleasant, to say the least.

Isn't it better that you understand that the only Guru you'll ever need is the one that is already within you?

***

Next Chapter: Living Student