This is the nineteenth chapter of the book „Viveka – the Voice of Inner Guru.“
The whole book will be tokenized as NFTs on Mirror and, as such, published in 20 articles (20 chapters of the book: The Illusion; India, oh India!; The Accurate description of the Reality; The Crown Jewel; Dead Guru; Living student; Who you?; Leaving the room; The Weakness of the Mind; The Archimedean Point; Three Powers of Maya; Viveka - the Sword of Truth; The Cave of the Mind; Language Can Save Us; Searching for Lakshana; Nine Golden Rules of Viveka; Purification Exercises; What to do with all this?; Dealing with Fear; Ekam Evadvityam: Living without a Center).
Chapter Nineteen: Dealing with Fear
dehendriyādau kartavye mamāhaṃbhāvavarjitaḥ |
audāsīnyena yastiṣṭhetsa jīvanmuktalakṣaṇaḥ ||A liberated one has no sense of „I“
concerning the body, the sense organs, or actions;
he has no sense of „this“concerning other things.Vivekachudamani 436
All is One – that is the accurate description of reality, as declared by advaita and maybe even confirmed by viveka. Of course, as such, it is no better than any other academic philosophical idea you read about. If you didn't purify your mind and somehow saw clearly through the tricks of Maya, it will remain just a description. Since you want reality, not a story about it, you have no other choice than to do something and check it for yourself. That is, if your mumukshuta, a desire for liberation, is strong enough.
But what if it isn't? What if you have doubts, maybe even fears of losing the life you have? What will happen to all the good stuff, things, experiences, and relationships you enjoy? If most of an average person's life is an illusion, what if your life will crumble and turn out to be just another speck of dust? From one side, you may be strongly attracted to the idea of finding the truth, and from another, that could scare the hell out of you.
Maybe I carry a partial responsibility for your fear because I did warn you many times about the delights of Maya and how much people desire to be her slaves. But I would do it again, and I probably will do it again if you continue to follow the directions from this book. Maya promises many wonders and delivers them, at least temporarily. The problem is that she dies out with time, and when that happens, everything that she gave you disappears with her. That will happen to you, too. That is happening to you, over and over again. But, every time it happens, you crawl back to Maya and do everything you can to gather yourself together and start serving her again. You are clinging to un-clingable. And, thus, you suffer when you fall.
To be honest with you, you have no choice. You'll have to face that evil demon once, sooner or later. It's just a matter of time. However, I admit, actively doing something in that direction for some people could be too early. Such people will probably give up anyway before any real action is required. The reason for giving up is not fear but a lack of interest.
Fear is not a problem. There is nobody out there, in the past, present, or future, who tried to sever the connection with Maya and bring her realm down without being afraid. So, it is entirely understandable and reasonable if you feel that way. I would not take you seriously if you claim you are not afraid to part with the illusion in your life.
So, fear is okay, but in this chapter, I'll try to help you deal with it more efficiently. First, I want you to know that waiting for a spontaneous deconstruction of the illusion is the worse choice than turning around and facing it now when the fire of disgust is still seemingly controllable. Tumbling down of the illusion will always cause a certain amount of pain. But, as is the case with fear, it is not the pain that will harm us, it is what we do to avoid it.
Spontaneous deconstruction of an illusion is a beach. It can ruin your life so profoundly that you would need another body to recover and start again. If people are not ready for it, they'll begin to fight against it. They'll try to keep whatever they can from their previous life in the hope that a return is possible. At the same time, they'll experience hopelessness, depression, mental disorders, and all kinds of weaknesses of the body and the mind. Those experiences are not consequences of the deconstruction of the illusion; they are consequences of fighting against it. If spontaneous deconstruction happens to you, the fear will increase, and the pain will become unbearable. You'll probably ask for help from doctors and healers. (Not all mental disorders and problems of a similar kind result from the spontaneous deconstruction of the illusion. There are sicknesses of the body and mind that need to be cured. I trust you'll not generalize the description of problems associated with the spontaneous deconstruction of the illusion or take it out of context.)
But the agony will continue because there is no cure for the truth, except temporarily covering it with new illusions. And since Maya is dying, there is no energy for recovery anymore. She can not hide all too powerful packs of light in the structure of reality, no matter how much you beg her, or seek comfort from his servants who are yet to experience what you are going through now. You are their future, but they don't know that. They are selling colorful dreams, and you are trying to buy them, hoping you can fall asleep again.
On the other hand, if you were ready, you would quickly recognize the process, and instead of fighting against it, you would see that the exit from the pain is only one: letting go. There is no other direction to fall but down. If you try to climb up again, your suffering will only increase. However, it is easier to speak about letting go than to do it. Even with preparation, the instinct to follow the illusory steps back into safety will be strong and hard to resist. Without preparation – almost impossible.
That's why you'll do well if you follow your mumukshuta, even if it is not so overwhelming to make you give up everything in your life. Despite possible fear, deliberate and voluntary facing the illusion is the prevention of future hardships that are surely waiting for you around the corner.
You might ask – why fear? What is it that we are afraid that the process of deconstruction of the illusion causes us so much trouble? Looking backward, I am equally confused. There is nothing I miss, wish to have, and nothing that would make me rethink and step back in the previous situation, even if that would be possible. But I remember fear. I remember how troublesome it was to part with the beliefs I had. They didn't disappear overnight. They were persistent little bastards, doing everything in their power to survive in my battered mind. If you have ever lived through a strong earthquake, then you know the panic, the horror, and the vexed urge to run as far as you can from this place. Only, there is nowhere to run and nothing you can do but brace yourself and wait for another shake. Earthly earthquakes usually take seconds. They can repeat for days, but eventually, they fade away. Now imagine a mental „earthquake“ that shakes your reality for a year or even two, with just little breaks, not enough to repair any damage, only to become aware of the continuous devastation of everything that your previous life was built on.
It is an illusion that shakes; nonetheless, it's your illusion. You should be afraid even more if it is a process that will happen to you unexpectedly, at some indefinite time in the future. The controlled process can be and usually is less painful, although it's never easy. It's like having a big cushion or reliable and flexible bumpers to absorb some shocks. There are also panic buttons and even safe places you can rest for a while before you continue your fight with the Lady of the Illusion.
However, that is a different kind of a fight than any other you fought before. Ordinary fights are about control and power. The usual fear is about losing that control and giving the power to someone else. But now, in this fight, everything is different. Maya will gladly provide you with everything you want. „I am your servant“, she would say. „I am here to do your bidding, my master“. You have the control, but the thing is, you don't want it anymore! You gradually become aware that there is no such thing as a „master“. It is not her, but it is not you, either. Until now, you build everything on the notion there is someone or something in the middle of the drama you called your life. Maybe you thought, believed, or hoped there is some higher intelligence out there, someone who takes care of everything. Perhaps you felt you should be the one to take care of yourself and control the chaos of your life by taking power into your hands. Whatever it was, it was about the control. The bravery of your previous life was the bravery of facing fears from powerful forces that can harm you and fighting for control over your life. But, now, a different kind of courage is required. It is the courage to let go, not only without the need for control but without the need for anyone and anything to be in control.
Basically, all our previous fears were created by the threat of forces that hold the center of power. If we were fighting, the goal of the fight was to come nearer to the center or take it by ourselves. The whole drama of life is based on such a centralized structure of reality. It's all about who is up (in the center) and who is down (far from it). If you are down, the solution is obvious – you have to climb up; you have to take control. Don't be pussy; fight for yourself, claim your power, do your thing, make yourself strong, and rule over our universe.
Every instruction you ever heard about life, be it from your parents, school, business coach, or spiritual adviser, follows the same pattern. What you do can be different, but the goal is always the same. The story is always the same: take control of your reality. Be a fantastic person, create a center, a stronghold you can keep, no matter the circumstances.
But what if such a model of reality is wrong? What if it is an illusion? Imagine that there is no center; it is just a mirage created from the perspective of a forgetful single point of consciousness. What then? Everything you knew about life would be flushed down the toilet. Everything material and everything spiritual because those are the branches of the same tree.
It would be quite easy for me to show you the viveka arguments for the correct conclusion about the decentralized reality. But, as is already written, I prefer you do it yourself. What I can tell you is that the full-blown crisis of the deconstruction of the illusion is connected with the clear understanding that there is no possible center of life. Life has no center, but everything you knew and did, thought and felt was based on the perception that it has.
So, you see, the fear and the fight you'll experience are entirely different from anything you did before. The structure was known, the hierarchy and the priorities undoubtful – the battles were not easy, but at least you were fighting on the familiar ground. Now, the very ground is shaking. The walls of your carefully built picture of reality are tearing down. You will struggle to keep them up. You'll want to give power to anyone. It doesn't have to be you. Anyone. God. Maya. Demons. Government. Priest. Shaman. You abusive lover. Anyone. You'll do anything to keep the story living because the alternative is that the story dies. And what then? Who and what would keep not only you but the whole universe alive?
The idea of „someone in control“ is not the only one in jeopardy. With it, your identity will come under question. The insight of a decentralized reality changes everything you know about yourself. Until now, you were the center of everything. All experiences are orbiting around you; they are yours. Or at least, that is how you felt. Even if you somehow managed not to identify yourself with other koshas (in modern language, that means with your education, position, job, role, money, power, looks, etc.) and thus live as a mentally healthy human being, the very existence of your self – an „I-ness“ you rely upon your whole life - now becomes blurry and questionable.
The loss of control and identity is the root of existential fear during the deconstruction of an illusion. If you are a careful reader who is mature enough (maturity has nothing to do with biological age) and approaching the moment when the spontaneous deconstruction of an illusion will be inevitable, the traces of such fear can be experienced even now, just by absorbing the information about viveka, advaita, and decentralized reality.
The good news is that, usually, with that, mumukshuta rises too, and the person is more ready to face the truth. Decentralization is in the heart of the reality of consciousness, but we experience it like it is centralized. It isn't. We start to see that fact, and it is okay. However, because the scenery we lived in for so long is disappearing, we experience fear.
As I already wrote, fear is not a problem. The problem is what we do to avoid it. So, don't even try to do that. Face it. Go through it. You are not the first, nor the last, who is going through the same process of disillusionment. Fear will do you no harm, but avoiding it, running away, and all the things you do while trying to make it disappear might.
Besides this hopefully helpful explanation, perhaps you may think more about the fact that it is an illusion you are losing. The control you thought you had – it was not there. The identity you thought you had – well, just a mirage. The true reality is not changing just because your false reality is now crumbling into ashes. You never had that what you think you are losing now. So, what's there to worry about?
bandhañca mokṣañca mṛṣaiva mūḍhā
buddherguṇaṃ vastuni kalpayanti |
dṛgāvṛtiṃ meghakṛtāṃ yathā ravau
yato'dvayāsaṅgacidetadakṣaram ||Bondage and liberation are both false. Fools attribute those qualities to reality as if the disappearance of sight caused by a cloud could be the attribute of the Sun. It is all consciousness, one alone, non-dual, unattached, and permanent.
Vivekachudamani 571
***
I had to warn you about fear and possible discomfort during the process of deconstruction of the illusion. I had to inform you about the dangers of a spontaneous process and the advantages of a controlled or mentored one. That said and done, I'd like to point to the other, the much lighter and positive side of it.
The liberation or moksha is described in many places of Vivekacudamani as accompanied by „absolute bliss“. Some verses very vividly illustrate the difference between before and after. Like the 414th:
satatavimalabodhānandarūpaṃ sametya
tyaja jaḍamalarūpopādhimetaṃ sudūre |
atha punarapi naiṣa smaryatāṃ vāntavastu
smaraṇaviṣayabhūtaṃ palpate kutsanāya ||Realizing your true nature, eternal, blemishless, enlightened, and blissful, flee far away from the inert limitations caused by the identification with bodies. Then, do not think of it again, for that which has been vomited brings only disgust when it is remembered.
Vivekachudamani 414
As I already wrote, there is nothing in this world that could make me think about the imaginary benefits of illusionary reality. There is no such fear, emotion, or troubling experience, to cause even the slightest wish for a return - if that would be possible. It isn't possible, though. Once you are done, you are done. There is no coming back. But, even if it were, such a thought would cause repulsion of the worst kind. As Vivekachudamany scenically states it: you don't wish to think about the content of something you once vomited.
To help you deal with the fear you'll experience when the light of truth starts to destroy your reality, let me show you what you'll lose and what you'll truly gain. Look at the table below:
Ananda, punya, and prema are desirable experiences, even when you look at them now, from the standpoint of illusion. They are the object of spiritual search but, unfortunately, can not be permanently established without a moksha, true liberation from bondage. So, they stand as high ideals, seldom and only temporarily achieved by spiritually mature people.
The funny thing is that you'll actually not lose experiences in the left column of the table. They will happen as long as you'll stay in a human body. Perhaps, they will happen more often than now, although there is no guarantee. The experiences of happiness, success, and relationships will not be gone. They'll just have a different, more intense quality, and at the same time, they'll lose the importance they have now. I'll write more about the post-enlightenment life without a center in the last chapter of this book. But, it is clear: not much to lose on this side.
On the other hand, the right column experiences will become prominent. There is a lot to gain here!
Ananda is a permanent feeling of inner bliss, independent of outer circumstances. That means, whatever happens to your body, environment, things, and people, the truth of oneness will not disappear. And with that comes the bliss.
Punya is the feeling of fulfillment that arises with recognition of the indicated function and the action that should be performed to carry out that function. To some readers, the word dharma should ring the bell. However, there is a danger in translating that word as a „purpose“. The purpose could imply preexistent intention, which is not the case in the „all is one“decentralized reality of consciousness. Nonetheless, punya is an exciting companion of enlightenment. As a conscious part of the wholeness, the localized point (ex I-ness) sees its role and performs it effortlessly.
Prema is individualized, directed, but unconditional love. Some idealistic interpretations claim prema is universal love, love towards all, or divine love. All correct, but the essence of prema can be felt only when that kind of unbounded love is focused on something or someone. When the ocean of love starts to flow in a particular direction, prema shows its real value. One localized but liberated point of consciousness, fully awakened atman, directs the unbounded ocean of love towards the other localized point of consciousness. If the receiving point is not awakened, it will not be able to feel it fully. But that will not stop the giving point from continuing to overflow with love. Prema is a part of reality, even though some sleeping ahamkars (I-nesses) do not see it. And if both conscious points, the giving and the receiving ones, are liberated, then... Well, there are no words to describe the experience of fully awakened prema that flows between them. I'll not even try. Please, discover how that feels by yourself as soon as possible.
Ananda, punya, and prema – not so bad, isn't it?
If you still remember the fear, don't be a fool and a pussy. Fear will pass.
The bliss is forever.
***
Next Chapter: Ekam Evadvityam: Living without a Center